Another Life
by Lindslay
Summary: Linstead AU: Jay Halstead is a former Army Ranger turned high school history teacher and coach. He meets Erin Lindsay under the most terrible of circumstances; a shooting at his school. How will tragedy bring them together and will their bond be strong enough to survive the stresses of her job?
1. Chapter 1

_Easy Chicago Prep Academy; Thursday May 22 12:38 PM_

Jay Halstead had worked at East Chicago Prep Academy for the last three years. After serving in Afghanistan with the Army Rangers for two tours, he'd returned to his home state of Illinois to finish his degree at University of Chicago; double majoring in History and Political Science. He'd gotten a job at ECPA just after graduation and after his first year teaching freshman level history courses and coaching the girl's soccer and boy's basketball teams, he'd easily become one of the most beloved teachers on campus.

It was six days until summer break and he was dreaming of his impending plans; heading up to his family's cabin in Wisconsin for some much needed rest and relaxation, as he headed into the cafeteria to do his lunchroom duty. He'd drawn the short straw on this one and he'd have to spend his lunch break roaming the cafeteria, making sure no one was smoking weed in the bathrooms or making out on the benches.

He was in high spirits despite having to watch a giant room full of horny, angst-ridden teenagers. Next period was his Debate Class elective and they'd be presenting their final projects. He was nerdy enough to admit that it was one of his favorite parts of his job; watching the students plan and prepare their impassioned arguments about real world issues they actually cared about. Despite having to keep most of his own opinions close to the cuff as a teacher, it was pretty obvious that he held some rather liberal views, even in spite of his time in the service.

A pair of his favorite female students had pulled him into a conversation; both dressed up in pantsuits and Bernie Sanders pins for their upcoming debates next period in his classroom. They were discussing some statistics about Planned Parenthood when he would hear the first shot ring out.

It would alarm him in a way he hadn't expected and he'd find himself grabbing the pair of eleventh grade girls and bringing them down to the floor with him, seeking refuge for them under the cafeteria table. Screams and shrieks would ring out in the wake of that gun going off and for a moment he'd hear a sharp ringing in his ears as his mind seemed to zero in on his gut instincts. "Stay down!" He'd yell before pulling himself back up form the floor. Two more shots would ring out before his eyes would fall on the shooter – eyes narrowing on the small frame of the obviously male student, flanked in all black, with a ski mask on his face. It was as though he could feel Jay's eyes on him because he'd hesitate for a moment and then tear off towards the double doors that lead into this giant room. The signature gait would let him know exactly who was behind that mask. He'd go after him without thinking, leaving that eerily quiet cafeteria behind him, hoping that it would be the last time that room saw tragedy today.

 _District 21, Chicago Police Department 1:13_

Antonio's phone would buzz with a text as he sat at his desk, surveying the contents of his wallet, deciding what from the vending machine he might decide to call lunch today. One glance at his phone and he'd basically jumped from his desk. "Lindsay!" He'd call his partner to action as well and the shorter, brunette female would look up from her computer screen to meet his eyes. "Active shooters at Eva's school…" Was all he'd say and the entire team would join them in their rise to action.

 _Easy Chicago Prep Academy; 1:28 PM_

Less than fifteen minutes later, they were flanked with the gear and meeting with the SWAT team leader whose men were already scoping out positions on roofs of surrounding buildings. Antonio, Erin, Hank, Al, Kevin, and Adam would be the first team to breech the doors and they'd split into groups of two and navigate the silent hallways with guns drawn, protective gear in full effect. There were no fatalities reported yet, only one student had been hit but it had been a non-life threatening shot to the leg and since he'd been in the quad, they were able to get him out of there pretty quick.

They'd identify the injured student as the eldest son of one of the Latin Player's ringleaders; Edizio Quinceros. They suddenly had a motive for the shooting; gang retaliation. Quinceros had been fingered for the rape and murder of a G Park Lord girl; the fourteen year old sister of one of that gang's own big wigs; JaBarias Smith. Hundreds of students were still trapped in the school and one of what they'd identified as three potential shooters was still inside. The only hope this knowledge would provide them was, these shooters weren't looking to kill random children; they had specific targets in mind. They'd find some relief in the idea that, they probably weren't going to be walking into a blood bath.

Antonio and Erin would come to a crossroads in their quadrant of the school, one that would lead them to split paths for the first time since entering the building. She'd take slow, steady breaths as she walked down the hall he'd directed her down alone, trying to convince herself that there was nothing to be afraid of. Quiet steps would move her down the length of the walkway and she'd take a large gulp when she heard muffled voices coming from the bend at the edge of the hall, where it looped around into an L shape, connecting to the cafeteria. "I've got voices in the G wing, approaching." She'd whisper into the mic attached under her Kevlar.

"Copy. Finishing a sweep of F wing and I'll be at your six." Antonio would respond.

She'd take another sharp breath as she rounded the hall and her eyes would fall upon the frame of a tall adult male, hands raised, standing about ten yards away from a masked assailant, flanked in all black. She could deduce that the man was a teacher from the black slacks and blue button up he wore, a simple striped tie hanging from his neck. He looked surprisingly calm and collected given the circumstances.

The shooter was clearly a student and she could see his Adam's apple, which would identify him as a male. He was short, only slightly taller than she was herself, maybe standing at about 5'5. All of his face was covered by the ski mask but she could see in his eyes he didn't want to shoot the man who stood in front of him. That was something she could use to her advantage. "Chicago PD, drop the gun and we can all walk out of here." She's said, her voice even despite her panic, her gun trained on the suspect's head.

"Come on Tre, do what she says…" The man's voice would come, his tone one of remorseful begging.

"I can't do that Coach," The teenager wielding a deadly weapon would come back with his obviously definitive response, and though his hand was shaky, he kept the gun aimed at the teacher.

"Come on, you don't want to shoot him." Erin would suggest, moving slowly closer towards the pair of them until she was almost next to the adult male. "You doing okay there, pal?" She'd direct her question to him even though her eyes and gun would stay locked on the assailant.

"I'm fine, we're just talking, isn't that right Tre?" Again, his voice would remain calm and Erin had to give the man her respect, she'd seen even tough cops crumble in situations less stressful than this.

"You're right, I don't want to shoot him, but… I have no problem shooting you." The boy's gun would swing slightly to the right so it was trained on her now. _Good_ , she thought. That was what she was hoping would happen.

"Tre…" The man's voice was even more desperate now; he'd have preferred that gun stay pointed at his own chest, not hers. Tre Dobbins was a kid with something to prove. His whole family was G Park Lords from the jump; but he'd gotten lucky. He won one of the lottery seats for this charter school and it had changed his life. He was on the basketball team and as a sophomore; schools had already been looking at him for college ball. They had a good relationship, there was no way he could pull that trigger when it was aimed at him; he was sure of it. But this _beautiful_ woman, it was a fact you'd think his brain might skip over given the circumstances of their meeting but it was such a striking thing about her he couldn't help but notice, she was a factor he had no control over. Tre's brothers had called him weak, he'd been pushed around by them a few times for not really being part of the G Park Lords; he spent too much time focused on school and basketballs and that "little white girlfriend of his" as they liked to say. These were all things Jay Halstead knew because they'd been told to him in confidence inside of his office, when his beard had grown scruffy and his glasses were resting farther down on his nose than they needed to be. He was being forced to be a part of this act of violence, of that he was sure. But, if you didn't comply to the gang's wishes in the neighborhood Tre came from, then; you'd probably find it was you who wound up dead. "Don't do this man…" But, this kid had something to prove and this situation had already gone out of control. "Don't throw away everything you've been working for…" He'd plead with the boy he'd coached since last year and seen make immense strides both on and off the court.

"Man…. just shut up, okay? Let me think…" The kid would waver in his resolve a little, which Erin would find promising. Antonio's voice would come into her ear letting her know he was approaching from the other end of the hallway, via the cafeteria, he'd be there in a few moments, she just needed to keep this kid talking. Adam and Kev would murmur similar updates on their position as they headed towards her location.

"Listen, you haven't shot anyone yet, right? That was your friend out there who lit up the quad? You put the gun down, you cooperate, and you still have a chance here." Erin would try to reason with him again.

"Nah…" The boy's hand would grow less shaky as he seemed to find his confidence. "If I can't cap a Latin Player today, I may as well earn my stripes doing in a cop." And he would give those words _no_ other thought as he took a breath and pulled the trigger.

Everything from that point would seem to happen in slow motion. She vaguely remembered bracing for the impact of a bullet against her vest but she'd find her body being knocked to the floor by the force of the taller man instead. It wasn't until he was in a heap on top of her that she realized he'd moved in front of her to take the impact of the shot before it could find her. This stark realization would cause her to push him off of her gently and roll him over, she'd felt his blood pooling by her own neck before she'd even gotten her arms on him to roll him. "What did you do?" She screamed at the stranger, her eyes moving towards the shooter who'd taken off down the hallway only to be close lined by Antonio, who was throwing him to the ground and cuffing him after tossing the gun away. Kev and Adam would burst into that breezeway moments later as well, providing back up.

With the immediate threat gone, she'd focus her full attention on the wounded man in front of her. She'd identify that the bleeding was coming from his upper shoulder area and it appeared that the bullet had only _just_ struck him, it was a through and through shot, thankfully. "Roll an ambo. I have a white male, 30s, GSW to the left shoulder. Dawson has the offender in custody."

She'd pull the man's upper body into her lap while she knelt behind him, her hands stacked on top of each other to apply pressure to the gushing wound. "Stay with me buddy," She'd whisper soothingly, her eyes searching his face. "What kind of idiot dives in front of a bullet meant for someone wearing a Kevlar vest?" But if she was being honest, she knew exactly where that bullet would've hit her if it had in fact made contact with the shooter's intended target. Given that when they were both standing, her throat came level to the space on his shoulder where the bullet had cut through, she could only swallow hard at the thought of what state she'd be in now if he hadn't decided to play hero.

He'd smile, despite his current situation. "Idiots who don't want to watch beautiful girls they just _met_ get shot in the head?" He'd offer. She couldn't help but smile at that whispered confession and even though she was _not_ the kind of girl who got hung up on pretty, charming, clean cut boys like this; she felt a giddiness swell up in her. _He thought she was beautiful. More than that, he was just shot and, he was still able to flirt._

This notion would have her ride in the ambulance with him to Med, explaining to Hank that he'd taken a bullet for her and she had to see this through now. Hank had nodded in understanding and she'd been on her way, her fingers interlaced with this stranger's in a silent offering of comfort and support as they rode to the emergency room.

 _Chicago Med, Late Afternoon_

The ambulance ride there had felt like an eternity. Erin always found herself becoming invested in the lives of the victims they met working cases, but she felt a very particular draw to this man, who had been willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her without so much as second thought to the matter. That detail would puzzle her the entire time she'd sat in the waiting room.

She'd spent a considerable amount of time scrubbing his blood from her hands and she'd thrown away the plaid button up shirt she'd been wearing, which was also covered in crimson liquid. There were still traces of his blood on the white v-neck she had on underneath but it was less noticeable and she could really care less about these things if she was being honest. All of her concerns were in one place now; with _him_.

She'd wait for a couple of hours before a nurse was telling her she could go see him. She'd walk into the hospital room and find him in a bed, gauze and ace bandages wrapped around his shoulder. The nurse had told her that he was extremely lucky and that given his height and muscular build, the bullet had grazed the top meaty part of his shoulder and it had only taken a couple stitches for him to be good as new. He'd have a scar and a story to tell, but, he could go home that night with a prescription for pain meds and orders to get lots of rest and stay hydrated. If anything felt weird with the stitches, he should call to speak to the resident on call that night. She'd been relieved to hear that he was going to be fine and she'd contemplated just leaving after getting the update but something kept her there and it wasn't just that she wanted to say thank you for what he'd done.

"Seems like your heroics panned out, it's all over the news; Hero teacher saves female cop in dramatic shoot out… I think they're going to make a lifetime movie about you…" She'd offer as she walked into the room, his eyes were already open and staring at the news splayed across the television screen mounted to the wall that told a tale very similar to the one she'd just given.

"You stayed…" A smile would grow on his face and her own smile would follow suit and he'd notice those dimples that would make her even more radiant in his eyes, causing him to swallow hard.

"Well, a guy takes a bullet for me, I feel like I owe him the courtesy of seeing if he needs a ride home or…." She'd be bolder than she usually was with her next statement, "… if he has a _girlfriend_ I should call who he'd want to pick him up?"

Amusement would play on his face as she did some not so subtle investigating into his personal life. "Nope, no girlfriend. I'm kind of… married to my job. Single dad, lots of kids…. not many chicks are into that." He'd jest, referring to his commitment to his relationship with his students, and she'd appreciate the fact that despite meeting under stressful circumstances and not really having a chance to talk, they already seemed to have a very easy natural rapport with one another.

He was so charming. She was in trouble. These realizations would have her biting her lip. "I'm married to my job as well so… maybe we cheat on our significant others tonight and I drive you home from this place and get you dinner to say thank you and maybe to also say sorry for calling you an idiot. The truth is…. you really did save me out there. That bullet hits your shoulder it…" She'd trail off.

"It hits you in the throat or maybe, if your lucky, less fatally in the chin," He'd finish it for her. "Yeah… I know. I realized you had the vest but it wasn't any use to you covering those areas. I calculated the trajectory of the bullet as soon as he'd shifted the gun towards you and I just… knew I couldn't let anything happen to you, not before we had a chance to actually meet." His words would charm her further and the blush that tinted her cheeks would evidence that. He'd end her embarrassment there though, "Dinner sounds great, by the way. I'm just, waiting to sign the discharge papers and change out of this dress and we can head out."

Bullet's trajectory? That sounded mighty informed for a high school teacher. "You ever in the service?" She'd ask, studying him carefully.

"Yeah," He'd laugh gently and she'd noticed the freckles that lined his nose and her eyes would trail down to his well defined forearms that were also adorned with them. "I was an Army Ranger; did two tours in Afghanistan before I came back to finish my degree and get a job at East Chicago Prep." He'd confirm her suspicions that he wasn't just your run of the mill high school history teacher.

"Well, aren't you just full of surprises." He'd grin at the woman when she said that. "I'm Erin, by the way. I know your name because I went through your wallet in the ambulance." She confessed. "Feels only right you know mine as well."

"You're very thorough." He'd compliment her playfully and they'd fall into a comfortable silence just staring and smiling at one another, and she'd saunter closer to his bedside until her hands had come to rest on the white blanket that covered his legs and her knuckles had brushed timidly against his fingers. He'd reach for her hand just as the door opened to his room causing her to take a step back as the doctor came in.

"You look like absolute shit." The redhead doctor would remark with a serious face and Erin would have an expression of shock written into her own features at his lack of bedside manner. Both men would pause for a beat and then dissolve into laughter.

"This nitwit is my brother." Jay would laugh gently; motioning at the man who she'd study and realize did look a lot like him. Certainly much less handsome though, she'd think to herself.

"Yes, I'm his _much_ more successful, older brother. Doctor's make a lot more than teachers, you know." He'd wink at Erin and she wouldn't be able to stop herself from rolling her eyes at his antics.

"Well, he took a bullet for me so…. I'm good with my prospects." She grinned and Jay would feel a sense of pride at the fact this insanely hot woman had not only shut down his brother in favor of him, but, that he'd gotten to witness it.

"Fair enough, if you feel you owe the man… I get it. But, when he disappoints you…. just ask him for my number." He'd grin. "I'm Will, by the way," He'd finally introduce himself properly, extending his hand to her.

"Detective Erin Lindsay," She say, punctuating her title to reinforce the fact that she wasn't just some prize to be won after a fight between brothers.

"Nice to meet you detective." He'd grin again and it would soften her annoyance at him slightly. "Glad you're okay, brother." He'd add, turning his attention back to the bed where Jay was laid up. "April is bringing the paperwork now. If you need a ride I—" Jay would cut him off with an emphatic look.

"Nah, I'm good there." He'd say firmly and Will would take the hint and give him a sly smile.

"My man," He'd whisper, clasping his brother on the shoulder. "Shoot me a text if you need anything," He'd add, heading back towards the door. "Nice to meet you." He'd acknowledge Erin once more and with that, he'd be gone.

The nurse would appear in the room not too long after and he'd sign the paperwork and get the pamphlets on wound care before she too was rushing off to help some other patient. Erin would leave the room so he could change. She was waiting in front of the double door entrance way to the room when she noticed it open slightly. "Hey, _weird_ favor… can't figure out how to put on this shirt because my arm is numb so…"

Erin would enter the room with a roll of her eyes but as soon as she took in his shirtless form, she'd find herself slack-jawed. _Holy fuck_ what kind of teacher had a body like that? Was this man grown in a lab? Her eyes would navigate his toned stomach hungrily and she'd take a deep breath as she forced her eyes to his, a slight blush tinting her cheeks at the very obvious way she'd just checked him out. He was kind enough not to call her out on it and he handed her the white shirt that sat folded in his own pair of hands. "My shirts were soaked with blood so they threw them away but they gave me this…" He said, placing the fabric into her palms. It was a standard issue white t-shirt.

She rolled it slightly in her hands and motioned for him to duck so she could lower it over his head. It would cause her to move closer to him and he'd inhale the scent of her shampoo and the faint perfume on her wrists and neck. It would make him close his eyes, his brain willing his olfactory senses to memorize those smells. He'd slide his good arm through one arm hole and then she'd use her own hands to gently navigate his arm through the other sleeve and she'd slowly work the fabric up his arm until it was secure over his wound. She'd smooth out the fabric over his torso and they'd both draw in sharp breaths as their eyes met. She'd swallow hard and part of her wanted to lean up onto her toes and kiss him right there but she didn't have the nerve to do it.

His hand would rise and brush some hair out of her face and they'd study each other tepidly for another moment, both sort of hoping the other would make a move to take it further but when neither of them had found the confidence after two long minutes, they'd take a step back from each other slightly and the moment would fade. "Well, you've got your shirt on now." She'd say lamely, because she knew she should say something to fill the void of silence, but she just wasn't sure what.

"You sound disappointed," He'd tease, taking the opportunity to bring up her earlier ogling of him, which he'd previously let slide.

She gave him a nervous laugh and rolled her eyes but she wouldn't do herself the disservice of pretending that statement wasn't one hundred percent true. "Easy there, teach." She'd giggle as he finished putting on his shoes.

"We are quite the pair aren't we," He'd suggest as they walked to the hall. He noticed the blood on her shirt and his own pants still had some stains of it as well. "I'm not sure what restaurant would allow us in in this condition but, there is a really amazing pizza place next to my apartment and I swear I'm a gentleman if you're interested in grabbing a pie and enjoying it on a leather couch in front of a 65 inch plasma screen?"

"Only if we can watch Stanley cup highlights?" She'd ask, after pausing a minute to contemplate his words.

 _Holy fuck_. It was his turn to have that thought about her this time. He was going to marry this girl someday; of that he was convinced.

 _Jay's Apartment; Evening_

His ideas about her would only be confirmed the more time they spent together. She'd agreed to the triple meat deep-dish pizza and that right there was almost grounds for him to propose. They'd driven to get the pizza from the place he's talked up by his house in relative silence, a couple stolen glances and nervous giggles exchanged between them. They'd parked outside of his place; a quaint two bedroom near Edison Park and walk to get pizza. Their hands would brush timidly again while they walked and made small talk about the Cubs and the best pizza they'd had in Chicago. He'd regale her with stories about his students as they walked back with the pizza in tow. The way his eyes lit up when he spoke about them would do her in completely; there was a genuine sweetness to his words. She wished she could've had a teacher like this growing up; maybe things would've been different.

"So anyway, that's why I no longer grab drinks with coworkers, let's just say you only need to be invited into one awkward threesome with the ladies of the Spanish department before you learn to be less _social_ with your colleagues." He'd finish the story he'd captivated her with as he slid the key into the lock. They'd both share a laugh at the way it ended.

His apartment was clean; _spotless_ compared to hers. Everything seemed to have its rightful place and the mat next to the door that currently housed a pair of sneakers would indicate he preferred guests to remove their shoes. She'd step out of her brown boots and it would leave her even shorter as she stood in front of him. He'd smile down at her as he kicked off his own shoes and placed them on the mat. "Army habits," He'd note, alluding to what felt like his former life. "The couch is in there," He motioned with his head as he took the pizza from her hands, she'd insisted on carrying everything because of his shoulder but the bullet wound seemed more like a blessing than anything else right now, because; it had brought her here. "I'll get some plates, make yourself at home." He'd suggest and if they were only more familiar this would be the part where it felt natural to press a soft kiss to her lips. But, he'd squelch that thought and disappear into his modest kitchen as she made her way to the couch.

The decorations were simple; a few posters in frames hung carefully at angles she was sure he'd taken the time to measure. A bookshelf held volumes on history; probably textbooks from college and others that looked like they must've been his favorites because the binding was well worn and there were sticky notes protruding from them at varying angles like he'd poured over their accounts more than once; memorizing anecdotes to undoubtedly share with students.

There were a couple pictures on that shelf; one of him in much younger days with a boy who must've grown up to be that redheaded doctor she'd met at the hospital. The pair of them had to be preteens in this photo and it seemed like they were on the porch of a cabin, arms slung around each other, each holding popsicles in their free hands, evidence of that sugary sweetness rimming their lips. "Cute kids, right?" He'd ask, ambling out towards the living room with two plates with slices of pizza and two bottles of water tucked under his good arm. He was already imaging how _she_ would look sat on the porch of that family cabin in Wisconsin; where he already felt compelled to make new memories with her.

"Grew up to be little heart breakers, undoubtedly." She'd grin, moving to grab the plates of pizza from him. "You should take it easy, your shoulder is numb from the morphine but when the pain catches up to you…"

"Yeah, I've…." He swallowed hard because this wasn't something he talked about outside of therapy and certainly not a topic he usually broached with total strangers, but she was _different_. His usual rules didn't seem to apply here. She could ask him anything and he'd tell her an answer as long as she wanted. "I've been shot before." He'd confirm. "Part of the reason I got out of the Rangers and finished my degree to become a teacher." He'd supply and she'd nod in understanding.

"Where?" Her voice was quiet and unassuming enough. And even without clarification, he'd know she meant where had he been hit.

"Back of my left leg, broke it in two places. Took a long time to recover, but, it was great for sitting there and doing coursework." He'd indicate the books on the shelves he'd found her studying when he walked in. "Blessing in disguise?" He'd suggest, funny how getting shot always seemed to find him some consolation prize that made it worth it. The woman in front of him, sitting down on his oversized distressed leather couch, would be the greatest one of all though.

"Tell me more teacher stories." She'd plead between bites of pizza.

He'd tell her a few tales that left her in a fit of giggles and he couldn't help but notice that she'd moved closer to him as the time had passed and once they were both full and plates had been abandoned on the coffee table, she'd been close enough for their legs to touch and for his arm to come around her so that she was settled in the crook of it wordlessly.

He'd put on a documentary he'd told her about; something about Yemen and farms and child trafficking that was neither romantic or mood inducing but he'd been so passionate about his description that she'd agreed to watch it. The toils and stresses of the day would take their toll on her and twenty minutes into the film, she'd drift off with her head moving to his chest and his heart would flutter at the closeness of her and how the scents of her he'd tried to memorize about her earlier would come flooding back to him with ease. A loud bang emanating from the scene unfolding on the TV would startle her and she'd stir awake, her cheeks tinting pink with embarrassment as she realized she'd fallen asleep. "Sorry-" She began, but he'd end her apology before it was finished.

"Don't be. I liked it…" He'd whisper and as they stared at each other she'd finally be compelled to make the first move and she'd find herself leaning into kiss him and though it would start tender and timid, he'd quickly grow the passion of it. If she could make the first move then he'd be more than happy to take it to the next level. His hand would come up to grip her face possessively in a move she wouldn't even have known she would like but the aggressiveness of it made her feel sexy and wanted, but the gentleness of the way he held his hand there against her face made her feel safe and cared for. The simple act would have her climbing towards him and her hands would tangle into the hair at the base of his neck as his own hands moved to grip her hips.

She'd move to press things further by removing her own shirt and his hungry eyes would take in every bit of her exposed skin and tight body that was now revealed to him with the break in their make out session. "I should… take you on a proper date first…" He'd trail off as his lips seemed to ignore the words falling from them and they pressed open-mouthed kisses to her neck and trailed down dangerously close to her chest, which was rising and falling more rapidly now with her heightened desire.

"You took a bullet for me; you don't have to wine and dine me to take me to bed." Would be her husky reply. The reminder of their shared experience, the tragedy that had brought them here (though they'd both be thankful for how things turned out, it could've been far worse for everyone involved), the gun that could've taken her from him before he'd ever tasted those sweet lips or discovered her most sensitive of places; that would motivate him to break his rules of being a gentleman. Even with that wounded shoulder, he'd pick her up from that couch and her legs would wrap around his waist as her lips found his again and he carried her to his bed.

He'd lay her down on dark cotton sheets and make fast work of the rest of her outer layer of clothes. Once he'd rid her of her jeans, he'd pause to really look at her as she lay there, propped up on her elbows, staring hungrily at him. "You're the most gorgeous woman I have _ever_ seen," Would be his whispered confession into the nape of her neck before he pressed kisses there.

She'd work so gently to take his shirt off, similarly to how she'd helped him get it on in that hospital room hours before and then his slacks would come next and she'd blush in the dark at his confession about her beauty and she'd show her appreciation for that sweet sentiment by pushing him onto his back and sliding herself down his long torso while planting kisses there. She'd honor his heroism with her lips in an act she performed for very few men because it certainly wasn't her favorite way to get someone off but he'd risked his life for her today and it had made a real difference in her existence so it felt like the _least_ she could do to show her appreciation of those efforts.

He wouldn't let her finish the job though before he was using one strong, freckled arm to pull her up and for his lips to find hers again as his hand made work of the clasp of her bra and then she was helping him remove the unmatched panties she had on the bottom; her lingerie choices made that morning hadn't figured they'd been seen by anyone. The seconds it took for him to remove those last bits of fabric would tick by like hours in their minds and finally he was thrusting into her with ardent intentions and they'd share tempestuous kisses with roaming hands until they'd each found release and she'd collapsed against his strong chest, breathlessly. "That was amazing." She'd admit into his neck as she snuggled against him, not wanting this moment to end.

He'd seem to share a similar sentiment as he drew her against his chest, clearly intent on keeping her there, flush against him, as long as possible. This was the part of the night where she'd usually find herself slipping out; hoping the guy she'd fallen into bed with would hop into the shower so she could do so without awkward conversation about leaving. But tonight, she wanted nothing more than to stay tangled in those sheets with him until sleep had found her again like it had on the couch and before she knew it; she'd be doing just that.

The last thing she'd remember before drifting off to peaceful sleep was the way he pressed his lips against her forehead and his hand had come to rest against her lower back.

She felt _safe_. Even after everything that had transpired that day; it seemed that this place she'd found, nestled into him and intoxicated by the pheromones around them now, was where she meant to be all along.


	2. Chapter 2

_Jay Halstead's Apartment; early the next morning_

Their amazing night together would come to an abrupt end sometime after 6:30 AM when her phone had rung and she'd been forced to roll out of his arms to find it in the pocket of her pants that had been discarded to the floor the night before in a passionate rush. "Hello?" She'd speak into the receiver, her eyes catching her partner's name on the screen before she'd answered. The tiredness was evident in her voice, but she'd blink the sleep from her eyes as she leaned the phone against her ear and shoulder as she sat on the floor, trying to stay quiet as not to wake the man, still tangled in bedsheets, who'd slept next to her all night.

"Long night, kid?" Antonio Dawson's voice would ask on the other line, far more chipper than it should sound this early in the morning if you asked her.

"How's Eva?" She asked suddenly, aware that once she'd left the school with Jay in that ambulance; even though she'd stayed in contact with her partner to get updates and information, she hadn't _really_ had her head in any of it because _he_ had occupied a majority of her thoughts all day.

"She's fine; doing okay. Worried about that teacher though, the one who saved your ass… _Coach Halstead_." Hearing him called that would bring a dimpled smile to her lips. "You stayed at the hospital right, give me some good news for her. He's her _favorite_ teacher you know…"

Erin bit her bottom lip as a guilty smile grew on her lips and she sat up on her knees to survey the still sleeping form of her would be savior. "He's fine, they let him go home, he made it out with just a few stitches, thankfully."

"You know Linds, that guy doesn't think he's superman when he dives in front of you, then you…."

"Yeah," She'd sigh, cutting him off before he could finish. "I know, trust me."

"You okay?" He'd ask her, after pausing a moment.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just, heavy; you know?" She'd said quietly, looking down at her bare legs.

"Well listen I got your coffee this morning and since you had a rough day; I'll even get you a bear claw. See you in…. thirty? Voight wants us all there early; some big press conference going down at 21 at 8:30… little birdie tells me that your prince charming will be invited too so, make sure you do your hair."

"Ass like this, you don't have to worry about doing your hair to impress men." She'd dare back with a giggle. "See you in thirty," She'd agree to those terms, even if she wanted nothing more than to curl back up next the six foot something frame that had left her speechless last night, "…. and skip the bear claw, I want a chocolate croissant." And then she hung up on her partner as she moved to pull her jeans back up. Fuck, she had thirty minutes to get to the district and she couldn't very well wear a blood stained undershirt in, especially when the chief would be hosting a press conference, lest she want her career to be overshadowed by a walk of shame.

"That is _very_ true by the way," His voice would startle her from her thoughts and she'd turn around, topless, but her arms were crossed over her chest to keep her modesty; despite the fact that he'd seen it all before. "About having an ass like that." He'd add, as if she wouldn't get what he'd meant. She'd smirk and those dimples he'd already fallen for would reappear.

Ever the gentleman, he'd toss her bra to cover up with fabric instead of fingertips and then he stood up to move towards her, pulling her against him before she had the chance to put it on, and capturing her lips in a kiss. "Last night… that was; unexpected." He'd admit, and she could feel her eyes flutter closed at the way he nuzzled her hair. "And incredible." He'd add, though that fact would be acknowledged by both of them even if it had remained unspoken. His lips would drop to her neck to remind her just how lovely the previous night had been when she was putting her hands up to his chest to stop his advances; albeit halfheartedly.

"I have to go to work…" She'd sigh, but her lips would find his even though she was trying to keep her emotions removed from their situation this morning. Sure, last night had been some of the best sex she'd ever had. Sure, this man was pretty much the hottest person of any gender she'd _ever_ met in real life. Sure, he seemed interested. Sure, she wanted nothing more than to have him peel those jeans back down her legs and leave her weak in the knees again like he had _twice_ last night; but, she had obligations. And her life wasn't exactly one that allowed time for falling in love with schoolteachers. She'd swallow hard at the way her mind had worked out that last detail. She definitely couldn't let her mind go _there_. "Last night was…." She literally wouldn't be able to find the words so she'd settle for a shrug of her shoulders and a look on her face that let him know just how much the way he'd handled her body had melted her mind. "… _but,"_ They'd share a sigh when that word fell from her lips. "I think for me, it was—" It would pain her to say the next words because she didn't _really_ mean them, but the false conviction she'd managed to lace through them would tell him otherwise. "… just a one time thing."

The way his features would so quickly become crestfallen would make her wish she could shove the words back into her mouth but this was for the best. This sweet, gentle man deserved more than a woman like her could ever give him; she was positive about that. "Oh," He'd say softly, vulnerably. But, he'd recover with that witty charm she'd already grown to adore about him. "Night like that; worried we could never top it?" He'd kiss her temple despite her words. "How about I give you my number in case you change your mind?" He'd suggest, his eyes searching hers for at least a shred of hope.

"You happen to have a shirt I can wear somewhere around here then; I'll give you _my_ number instead." She'd cave, because if she was forthright about it, she wanted him to call her as soon as she left and she wanted him to take her on that _proper date_ he'd mentioned last night when they were so consumed by each other.

His eyes would light up. "In fact;" He'd draw himself away from her finally and disappear out the bedroom door, leaving her to finally put her bra back on and saunter out, arms by her sides, to meet him as he came out of the guest bedroom holding a black t-shirt. "My brother's girlfriend's, I promise." He'd hand it to her. "I don't bring girls back here often." He'd offer, because he wanted to make sure she really understood that last night _meant_ something to him. He wasn't the kind of guy to want or seek out a one-night stand. That was the _last_ thing he wanted with this incredible woman but; if it was all he ever got of her then; he'd treasure the memory.

"You don't owe me any sort of explanation about who you bring back here or—"

"I do, actually." He'd say and even though she'd said it was a one-time thing he'd find himself unable to accept that and he'd grab her waist and pull her in and his lips would crash against hers.

She wouldn't be able to stop herself from getting lost in that kiss and she'd rise up onto her tiptoes as her hands grasped his muscular chest and her tongue found his in a show of giving up restraint. "Last night _can't_ be a one-time thing," His voice; husky with desire, would plead.

She wanted to cave fully, right here. Tell him that _yes_ she would come back here after work and they'd do it all over again but she knew it wasn't going to work out that way. It might be wonderful at first but like every good thing she ever touched; it would fall apart and she'd ruin it eventually and she couldn't allow that to be what came of the beautiful night they'd shared. "I have to go… I'm sorry." She'd whisper and she'd press one more passionate kiss; full of longing, to his lips before she was pulling away and headed towards the door to shove her feet into her shoes and get herself out of there before she gave in to the urges threatening to overtake them both.

"You were supposed to give me your number…" He'd say after her as her left foot refused to cooperate as she tried to jam it into her ankle high boot.

"I… it's not a good idea, Jay… you are sweet and handsome and… you are going to want a woman who can cook dinners with you on weeknights and binge watch weird documentaries and bake cookies for the kids you coach when they win championships and—I cant bake, okay? " She'd almost shout all that at him as her left foot finally agreed to cooperate and she bounced up to her feet. "I'll… _see_ you, okay?" She'd say quietly and then she was out the door before he could say anything else.

Despite how her words had come out and how they'd said everything to indicate the opposite of what he wanted them to; it was clear that she'd at least imagined a future with them together and that would give him hope. He was sad she'd left though; because he would've told her she was wrong. He didn't need a girl to bake cookies; his were the favorite at the school bake sale at spring fling three years running. And he'd settle for her falling asleep on him while he watched those documentaries alone _any_ time she wanted. Maybe he did want to cook dinners with her on weeknights but if all her schedule would allow would be three am jaunts to diners for crappy pancakes; he'd take it. He'd take _any_ chance he could get to spend time with her; he was sure of it.

When a phone call would come inviting him to District 21 for a press conference in an hour, he'd agree to it without giving thought to his abhorrence for being the center of attention in something like this. He'd let them blast his face all over their cameras if it meant he'd see her.

 _District 21; Morning_

Jay would dress in nice dark blue suit to head down to the press conference, a crisp white pearled-button up shirt underneath; a skinny charcoal colored tie would complete the look. His blue eyes would spend a majority of the time searching for her but he'd navigate through that sea of uniforms four times before accepting she wasn't out here.

He would have to fight the feelings of dejection that swelled in him at the lack of her presence there. Had she not shown up because she didn't want to see him? Maybe it was simpler than that—perhaps she'd just caught another case that was more pressing than this. That last idea would give him hope and as the press conference had wrapped up he'd found his feet pacing in front of the steps leading to the district's doors, because he wasn't sure what he was going to say or do if he actually did see her now but; he had to take a chance.

He'd be left with no further time to consider this when he saw the black fabric of the t-shirt he'd loaned her that morning moving down the stairs. Aviator sunglasses covered her eyes but the small smile that tugged at her lips when recognition had undoubtedly passed under those lenses had been enough for him. He'd move to meet her at the base of the stairs before she could pretend not to see him. "Hey." He'd begin, almost shy.

Her breath had caught in her throat at the mere sight of him, especially given how he wore the _hell_ out of that perfectly tailored suit. She'd take a deep breath when he approached her. "Hey…" She'd rasp in return and she'd slide the sunglasses up to the top of her head to give him the courtesy of looking into his eyes.

He was all prepared to go with some lame line about how he'd given her that t-shirt so she needed to make good on her promise of giving him her phone number, but at the last minute, he'd go another route. "I can bake my own cookies—you'd be lucky to taste them, they sell out first at every school bake sale." He'd begin, taking a step closer. "And I don't care if documentaries are your thing because the only way I want to watch them now is with your head on my chest, awake or not." He'd swallow hard and then there was almost no space between them. "And I'd gladly cook for both of us and wait up for you to get home and heat up the left overs…." He'd say softly and she'd find that her hands had betrayed her and were cupping his face; despite the fact that standing on the staircase leading up to her place of work was the absolute _last_ place she would want to find herself feeling this vulnerable. "So, please don't presume to know what I want from you because I don't even know what it is I want… other than _everything_ I can get." He'd whisper and even though it was not the time or the place, she'd press a soft, chaste kiss to his lips.

"I'm at work," She's whisper and then her hands would rudely explore his pockets in a way she didn't have a right to yet until she found his phone and added her number to his contacts. "I…" She'd stop pretending she had enough restraint or desire to keep resisting him or his advances. "You should call me later." She'd whisper. Then, she leaned in to press a soft kiss to his cheek, and then head towards her car, which had been her destination before he'd accosted her on those steps.

She'd only be five minutes down the road to meet with one of her CI's when the first text came.

 _ **Dinner? Dessert?**_

 _ **Sorry, this counts as calling you later, right?**_

The messages, sent in quick succession of one another would make her smile as she talk-to-texted her response:

 _How about both? My place this time._

Almost soon as she'd sent that text, he'd respond.

 _ **Perfect. Just text me a time an address later. Can't wait.**_

She'd bite her lip to quell the absolutely shit eating grin that was spreading there and she would do her best to keep her emotions at bay as she spoke to her CI and again when she headed back to the District to finish up some paperwork.

The time would tick by slowly and she'd be going over a witness statement for the fourth time when Adam Ruzek approached her desk. "Hey, beautiful;" He'd interrupt her concentration and she'd give him an annoyed look at his use of that word in place of her name. "Want to grab dinner and drinks at Molly's tonight? Burgess and Atwater are in." He'd said, perching himself on the corner of her somewhat cluttered desk

"Nah, I have _plans_." She'd state simply and she'd look dismissively down to the papers in front of her, willing him to leave and not implore her further, but of course he wouldn't give her that luxury.

"Sexy plans?" He'd ask, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

She'd take his bait if only because she knew she couldn't hide her own happiness once those dimples of hers made their appearance with his question. "Maybe." Would be all she'd offer him, smirking.

"With who?" He'd ask, crossing his arms over his chest as he surveyed the most attractive member of the unit.

"A lady never kisses and tells," She'd respond playfully.

"Good thing you aren't lady then;" He'd wink and she'd smack him on the chest in good fun.

"Ass!"

"Come on, tell me… is it someone I know?" He'd ask, moving closer to her so he could try and study her face for an answer.

"Not really?" She'd shrug, she enjoyed watching him squirm. "But, lady or not, it's none of your business."

"Then, just know I'm pretending its Gabby Dawson." Adam would smirk and she'd roll her eyes, as Antonio approached her desk now too.

"What about my sister?" The older man would ask.

"Adam is imaging us having a lesbian affair!" She'd throw Adam under the bus and rise from her desk to leave him to deal with that mess as she headed into the break room to get fresh coffee and check her phone, she'd find a text from _him_ waiting.

 _ **You treated me last night at my place, only right I return the favor.**_

Once again, she'd smile at her screen and she'd lick her lips thoughtfully as she crafted her response.

 _I guess that's fair_ , _how about…. 8pm?_

She'd have time to finish preparing her coffee and even to take a few sips before her phone would buzz to indicate another message had been received.

 _ **I'll see you then, beautiful.**_

And for some reason, _his_ use of that adjective in place of her name wouldn't elicit the same annoyance from her as it had when Ruzek had done the same.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment, Evening_

Erin would bust her ass to get home by seven o'clock and create some semblance of order in her apartment because when she'd invited him over she'd forgotten that she'd left her place in borderline hoarder status over the last week. She'd shove things into closets and the guest room would become a dumping ground she could conceal by closing the door. By 7:45, her place was looking presentable but she still didn't.

She only had fifteen minutes to look effortlessly sexy and convincing that she hadn't spent too long after work making herself that way. What had this man done to her? Since when did she _care_ about things like this? She'd turn her hair upside down and tug it down from its ponytail, shaking it out and then looking in the mirror, deciding it was presentable enough. She'd more carefully select undergarments tonight; she wouldn't delude herself to pretend as though she didn't know _exactly_ where they both expected this night to end; in her bed (or maybe the shower first?).

A dress seemed like too much; and she wasn't sure where they were going or if he was showing up with food because when she'd texted him her address on her way home he'd only indicated that he'd had an _idea_ for dinner and she'd been surprised at the fact she hadn't questioned him further on the matter because usually she wasn't a fan of unknowns. She'd settle on a pair of high waist black jeans and a pale green off the shoulder crop top that left only a slight patch of skin showing above the high waistline of her pants.

She'd do her make up in ten minutes and he'd knock on her door five minutes early, so she wouldn't bother with shoes yet as she padded out through her living room to answer the door. She'd take a second to appreciate her own clean up job before pulling the door back to reveal the object of all her most pressing desires; clad in an olivine Henley and a pair of jeans, brown paper shopping bags flanking both arms. "I would've cooked you breakfast if you'd stayed this morning so, I thought we could do it for dinner instead." He'd grin at her, and she'd lean up on tiptoes to capture his lips in a kiss she'd been expecting even less than he had.

"You're cooking for me?" She'd ask, tepidness in her voice showing she was unsure of herself. She'd never had a man do something like that for her before. This notion would have her lips finding his again and the grocery bags would go to the floor gently as his hands took up residence on her hips as the door closed behind them.

Thirty minutes later she'd be sitting on the counter next to the oven as he prepared the meal for him and he'd become impossibly more attractive in those moments. "You seemed like a cinnamon roll type of girl," He'd say, brandishing the tube of them in his hand.

She'd have no shame in her next admission; "Oh, definitely. Total junk foodie." She'd smile and he'd lean over to steal a kiss from her. "So, tell me more about you." She'd request, as he made himself at home searching for a baking pan in her cabinets.

"What do you want to know?" He'd ask, standing back up once he'd found what he'd been scavenging for. He'd begin to prepare them.

" _Everything_ ," She'd confess honestly as he set the pan down and put his hands on either side of her legs and she found hers coming up to wrap around his waist as he kissed her again.

"I like watching hockey, soccer, any sport really." He'd begin, and he'd reward himself for sharing that piece of information by stealing a kiss. "My favorite color is…. well, your eyes now." He'd whisper, staring into the hazel orbs before his lips found hers again with ardency. "Sorry, it's hard to think of what to say with you here, looking like that." He'd admit, and she'd deny him his pleasures no more as she pulled him in for a deeper kiss, her soft hands traveling up under the hem of his shirt to brush over those abdominal muscles she'd not so subtly appreciated yesterday. "One time thing, hmm?" He'd ask against her lips, ruining the moment slightly.

But the oven would sound to indicate it was done preheating so he'd place the pan of cinnamon rolls in there and then close it to survey her.

"Maybe a two-timer." She'd giggle, refusing to admit that she hoped that he'd be here every night when she came home; unless they'd decided to stay at his place; from now on. She was, whether she wanted to be or not, absolutely smitten with this man.

"Multiply that by like…. a thousand."

"Only a thousand?" She'd smirk.

"Oh, _well_ beyond that actually, I just figured after that many orgasms; you'd stop pretending there was a need to count." He'd reply with a sensual gruffness to his voice that would _do things_ to her.

"Someone is confident." She'd say, her own raspy voice quivering slightly.

"I'll deliver on that promise every single day that you'll let me…" He'd whisper and his eyes and lips would find the matching pairs of hers again respectively as she hopped down from where she'd been perched on that counter top and her arms would wrap tightly around his waist, pulling herself flush against him, so she could kiss him properly.

She'd break the kiss because she knew he needed to get back to cooking if they ever wanted to eat and she was _really_ looking forward to the part that came after that. "You want some wine? A beer?" She offered, pulling herself lazily away from him.

He'd shake his head, "I'd rather recall every second of this night with perfect clarity." He'd shrug and she'd find herself moving behind him now as he cracked eggs into a bowl she wasn't sure she'd ever actually used to cook with, and she'd snake her hands across his ribcage, her hand coming to rest over the space where she could feel the thumping up his heart against the tips of her fingers, and she'd lean her cheek against his back.

They'd both take deep inhales at the _rightness_ that new position would have them feeling.

He'd keep his attention focused on preparing that meal by telling her more stories about school. It was all he could do to keep himself engaged with the task at hand because if it were up to him he'd have already cleared that counter top and taken her on it; given what his heart and mind both wanted. But he'd settle for the tickle of her breath against the back of his neck when she'd throw her head back with laughter from one of the stories he'd told.

By the time the oven timer was going off to indicate the cinnamon rolls were ready, he'd already plated them equal portions of cheese covered scrambled eggs, extra crispy slices of bacon (they both agreed that was the only way to cook it), and pieces of cantaloupe that he'd already hand fed her samples of; having no problem pressing kisses to the places on her neck where the juice of those bites and trailed down.

They'd enjoy their meal on the couch, wasting no time with television. She'd put on some soft music to serve as background noise while they shared easy conversation; getting to know each other. The first test of how honest she could be with him would come when he posed a seemingly innocent enough question. "What made you decide to become police?"

She contemplated giving him the generic answer she gave most people who didn't know about her past; that she loved this city and wanted to do her part to protect it. But, she felt bad giving him a half-truth; even if she wasn't sure where this overwhelming sense of obligation she felt towards him had even come from.

Tough as it was, though, she'd tell him the _real_ truth; at least more of it than she'd told anyone who wasn't Hank Voight. "Oh… well. It's kind of a long story but," She'd sigh but she wouldn't let that waver in her conviction stop her from telling him more. "My mom, she wasn't the best. She was often in trouble with the law or bringing bad news into our lives in the shape of would be step dads and _friends_ who she had no business allowing around me." She'd spare him the gory details; that was a story meant to be told from a plush couch in Dr. Charles' office. "She was always getting us into tight spots and they'd usually mean the police would get involved. I met a cop as a kid; he sort of… took me under his wing. He gave me a way out when I needed it. Taught me how to stop being a destructive little shit and turned me into a productive member of society. That man would become my sergeant, and he's the reason I even applied for the police academy and didn't end up on the streets or dead before I turned twenty." She'd admit.

He'd nod carefully as he hung on to her every word; sad that there'd been no one there when she was growing up to protect her from the unspeakable parts of the story she'd obviously left without detail for a reason. He'd make a silent promise to himself that; he'd protect her heart now, as long as she'd let him. He leaned in to kiss her, to convey that he wished he could fix the parts of her childhood had left broken, and to show her that he was here for her now; to make sure she didn't feel that type of sadness again.

That kiss would deepen in passion quickly and they'd stop prolonging the inevitable and she'd find him sliding her sleeves down so that her shirt would be at her waist as she slid into his lap. They'd waste no time; not bothering to move to the bedroom, and they'd lose all their clothes into a pile on the living room floor as the couch served the purpose that too far away bed would have all the same.

They'd take turns being on top and they'd used every inch of that couch to give in to their desires before she was leaning her head back against the arm of it; spent. "Didn't you promise me dessert?" She'd ask, her hand coming to move her messy hair out of her face.

He'd lift his head up from between her legs and trail kisses back up her bare stomach and across her _perfect_ chest before they found her mouth again. "I just had my dessert." He'd boast, licking his lips to indicate that. "But yes actually, award winning chocolate chip cookies; in a Tupperware in the kitchen." He'd say, kissing her neck and then he'd move himself off of her to pad naked across her living room and she'd take a second to scan over the backs of his thighs, over that _sweet_ ass, and up his equally as taut back; his front side wasn't the only equipped with features resembling that of a Greecian god.

All of that would turn her on again but none more then the cookie he slid between her lips that she took a bite of and could instantly see why he'd expressed how he didn't need some woman to bake for him. "Holy shit, these are amazing." She'd say, taking another bite as he sat down next to her and drew her back into his lap.

She'd still be finishing that cookie when he was steadying her hips down against his as he took control of the third round of pleasure they'd engage in that night.


	3. Chapter 3

_Jay Halstead's Apartment_

A week would go by and they wouldn't get tired of each other. It seemed every other night it would alternate whose place they stayed at, whose bed they'd fall into with insatiable need, who would brew the coffee that would have them both feeling human again the next morning.

Immediately following the shooting; the school had been closed. But a week later it reopened; but not for the sake of resuming classes or finalizing end of course exams. Grief counselors, trauma teams, and various psychologists would be there for students and staff to talk with and help work through the tragedy they'd faced. Even though there had been no fatalities, witnessing a safe place get shot up was scarring; it would impress upon their lives forever.

Jay's shoulder was sore and aching and he'd gotten rid of the pain pills they'd prescribed him because he'd seen far too many guys from his PTSD support group go down the rabbit hole taking them often opened up, so he'd flushed them the first night and not looked back. But this morning when he'd woken up, the pain had seared more than usual. She'd notice him wince as he'd risen from the bed that morning and she'd gotten up behind him, wrapping her arms around his hips and popping up to her tiptoes to kiss the bruised area around his shoulder where the stitches were taut and covered by only a gauze pad now. "You gonna be okay today?" She'd asked softly and he knew she didn't just mean his shoulder.

"It'll be;" He'd seem to search the spot on the wall above her head for the words. "A lot." He'd finish with a sigh. "I don't want some hero's welcome… but I have a feeling that's what it's going to be. I don't feel like a hero. I'd have felt like a hero if I could've talked him into putting down the gun and walking out with me; saving the future he'd been working _so_ hard for. I don't feel like a hero. I feel like I _failed_ him." He'd confess more than he meant to, but; they'd been known to have that effect on one another.

"You _saved_ me though." She'd remind him, her hands tugging at his hips so he'd turn around to face her now. "And you tried _really_ hard to get through to him and you almost had him. But he made his choice, babe." She'd say; that nickname falling off her tongue without even meaning to. "You made a difference to him; he couldn't pull the trigger on you, not on purpose at least. Don't let yourself forget that." Her words would warm him all over and they'd share several slow, open-mouthed kisses, ones neither of them could ever have gotten their fill of.

Despite the fact that she'd spent literally every night with him since they day they'd met, she was still pretending things between them were casual. It was a lie she told herself to make believe that she wasn't already far too attached to this tall, strong armed, freckled pretty boy.

Hell, he'd already taken the time to memorize the way she took her coffee and when she'd walked out of the bedroom dressed for work, he'd hand it to her prepared perfectly. "Am I going to see you later?" He'd ask her over the rim of his own mug before he took a sip. He'd let her keep up the pretense that they weren't a _them_ and that this was really just _fun_ like she kept reminding him.

"Maybe," She'd shrug, but they both knew that meant yes. "But, it'll probably be a late night… we've been closing in on a case and;" There weren't a lot of details she could really provide. "I'm just not sure how things will play out. I'll text you though." She offered, before taking a long sip of the liquid gold that she swore some days was her only life source. "If it's not too late maybe I'll come climb into your bed." It was really more of a promise.

"Could _never_ be too late." He'd admit and he'd lean down to kiss her softly before looking down at his watch. "I should get going, I want to get there early, hide out in my classroom to avoid having to walk down full hallways." He'd confess and he'd lean forward to kiss her forehead gently before they were both walking towards his door to put on their shoes and their fingers would intertwine as they walked down his stairs towards their cars and she wouldn't protest when he leaned her against her passenger side door and gave her a few reasons to come back here later.

 _East Chicago Prep Academy_

As he'd expected; there had been far too much fanfare for him when he'd arrived at school. It had started at the staff meeting when they'd all given him a standing ovation and people had cried and told him he was amazing. But; he didn't feel amazing. In spite of Erin's warm, soothing, _honest_ words; he couldn't shake the feeling that he couldn't save that boy from himself; from a stereotypical life sentence for the boys in his neighborhood.

Tre had been meant for so much _more_ than that. Now, in the blink of an eye, he'd taken that from himself. Jay wanted so badly to speak with him, see if he was okay; let him know that he himself was. Because even when he'd been bleeding and shot, laying in Erin's lap he'd heard Tre screaming and asking if he was okay and telling him he was sorry and the desperation and regret in that sixteen year old _boy's_ voice would haunt him forever he was sure.

But he'd grinned and bared it, survived the hugs and pats on the back and unnecessary compliments. He'd be remiss to find that meeting to be the easy part of his day. Once the students had arrived; he'd become almost unraveled. They were angry, hurt, confused; how could this happen here? Too many kids had asked him that this morning. Too many kids had told him they wouldn't have known what to do if they'd lost him. He supposed those heartfelt confessions should've made him feel better; been a balm for the aching part of him who felt like failure. But it hadn't; it had just reminded him that of all the good he'd done around here; he'd still managed to let one fall through the cracks. Tre was in the system now. And that's where he'd get lost forever.

He'd been sat at his desk, half-heartedly eating a protein bar when he'd hear a knock on the wooden door frame of his classroom and he'd look up from the window where he'd been staring off into space; lost in those thoughts, expecting to find a student but instead; he'd find _her._

"I thought you might be hungry." Her now familiar raspy voice would say and his face would shift from a look of tortured contemplation to unbridled happiness almost instantaneously.

"Erin!" He'd smile and he'd take his feet down from where he'd propped them on his desk , stand up, and move to meet her. He'd lean in to kiss her before she could stop him and a blush would tint her cheeks as he pulled away.

"You can't kiss me here, we're at school!" She'd giggle playfully, but there was genuineness to that remark. "The door is open!" She'd add nervously as they moved further into his classroom. She'd take a moment to survey it; this little piece of him she was able to glimpse into, before his next sentence would distract her from doing so.

"I can kiss you _wherever_ I want." He'd supply simply and she wouldn't argue because _damn_ if he wasn't right.

"Hmmm." She'd seem to mull over that claim thoughtfully before rolling her eyes and moving on, because even if she wouldn't refute his claim she also wouldn't _exactly_ prove it either. "The other night you said that Joey D's had the best pizza but I still maintain that it's Fratello's. So, I got us a slice from each place so we can settle the debate once and for all."

"I love the way your mind works, woman." He'd grin at her and he'd offer her his desk chair and pull up a student seat next to it for himself so that their knees were touching as they ate.

Having her there would almost make him forget the heaviness that his morning had held. He'd get lost memorizing her dimples and staring into her eyes as she spoke; telling lighthearted stories to keep his mind off things.

She'd find herself mapping the freckles on his arm because he'd pushed up the sleeves of his hunter green button down and his strong forearms looked well defined with the way the sun poured in through the long windows that surrounded his classroom.

There conversation had come to a lull and they'd resigned to just _looking_ at one another and her hands were resting gently on his knees when they'd hear another knock on his open door and then two girls would appear in the doorway. "Coach Halstead?" The more petite, redhead girl would inquire. The announcement of company would have Erin retracting her hands back into her lap and her head would turn to face their visitors.

"Erin!" Hearing her name pass through Antonio's daughter's lips would bring her to a stark realization that this little secret that she and Jay had been keeping would be no more and that thanks to this teenage chatterbox, her partner was going to know she'd come here for lunch. Ever the older brother figure, he'd probably lecture her on not getting involved with _anyone_ at this stage in her career and how it was even more of a dumb idea when it was a victim from a case they'd worked that she was shacking up with. That was going to be super fun.

"Eva!" She grinned and rose from his chair to go hug the girl she'd known since she was just a little bean sprout. "I was hoping I'd see you while I was here, pretty girl." She'd say, drawing her in and kissing her forehead.

"She's my dad's partner." Eva would supply, filling in that missing detail for both Jay and the redheaded girl, who Erin would learn was called Hannah later. "Coach totally saved your ass, huh Erin?"

"Eva." Jay would warn because even if he could more than appreciate the sentiment of those words, she couldn't just cuss in his classroom and get away with it.

"Ooh, sorry coach. But, Erin's got a mouth like a sailor you know…."

"Wow, kid. There is no use of this guy taking a bullet for me if you're just going to throw me under the bus like that!" She winked though because she was kind of proud to know she'd rubbed off on this sassy girl, even if it wasn't in the best way.

"So are you two like…" Eva's eyes would go wide as she shared a look with Hannah; she would press the limits with that question because Erin was like family and Coach Halstead's perpetual bachelorhood had more than half of the girls in the school fantasizing it was because he was waiting for them to be old enough to date him; and she was most definitely amongst that crowd.

"We're just _friends_ , Eva." Erin would roll her eyes. "A guy takes a bullet for you, you owe him a few slices of pizza, right _coach_?" She'd use another new way of referring him for the second time that day. They'd both prefer when she'd used the word 'babe' in place of his name more.

Amusement was already playing in his face and he'd shake his head as his smile grew. "Yeah, something like that." He remarked and then he'd address the girl's more seriously and stop this intrusion into his private life in its tracks. "What can I do for you girls though?" He'd say, shifting from playful flirt mode to his stern yet loving teacher one.

"We just wanted to say that," Hannah would speak up now. "That we're sorry, about Tre. We know how much he meant to you. He meant a lot to us too. We all thought he was better than that." She'd whisper and Eva would nod in agreement and Jay's features would soften slightly and he'd swallow hard before he spoke.

"People make mistakes and they make bad choices;" He'd lament. "Sometimes those are choices they can't take back. Tre will live with what he did for the rest of his life knowing that he was better than that; he just chose in that moment not to be."

His words would knock her back because he was both wise and gentle, but realistic and he knew perfectly how to talk to these girls. It would weaken her resolve to enforce the fact that they were _just friends_ , because right now; she'd be more than proud to admit that he was far more than that to her.

On a regular day it might seem strange; even perceived as inappropriate when the pair of junior girls he'd drug to the floor that fateful day in the cafeteria wrapped him in a joint hug, but; not today. "Thanks coach, for what you did for us." Eva would whisper and he'd nod steadily and swallow again because he'd be damned if he cried in front of these girls or in front of Erin right now.

After a few moments he'd squeeze them each gently and they'd understand that there was a limit to the appropriateness of all this; even in times of grief. "Now get back to the cafeteria before Mrs. Morris catches you without a hall pass because even on days like today you know she always has demerits ready to hand out." He'd warn and they'd nod in understanding and exchange pleasant goodbyes before skipping out of the classroom.

She couldn't help but be enthralled with him but her phone would buzz and it would distract her from telling him how amazing he'd just been and how attractive it was. Instead she'd sigh and look at him, "Duty calls." The words would annoy her as she spoke them but she'd known going in to this idea of bringing him lunch that they would only have a short time together. Things were getting hot with a crew running meth from Canada and she had a feeling things would be popping off tonight. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to see you later, I'm stuck on surveillance tonight and I'm not sure when we'll get off… that's part of why I brought you lunch…." She'd trail off and blush because when the hell had she become so considerate.

"You're a really great _friend_ , Erin." He'd remark simply and the playfulness alit in her eyes would make her giggle even if he was annoying.

"What, did you want me to say, that we're friends with benefits to a pair of sixteen year old girls who were totally undressing you with their eyes and, by the way, throwing daggers at me with them simultaneously. I used to babysit Eva and let her do my make up; I'm pretty sure she'd still find a way to destroy me if she even knew we so much as kissed so…." She smirked and in spite of herself, she leaned up to kiss him gently. "And as she mentioned, her dad is my partner. My very nosy, overly protective like the brother I never had nor wanted partner. So…. _yeah._ " She'd sigh.

"Friends with benefits? Is that what you're telling yourself we are to keep up the illusion you've built up in your mind?" He'd ask with a sly smile and laugh; and yeah, maybe he was calling her out a little. "The only benefit of you being my friend is that I have fallen for you, completely; yes _already_. And I know you have too. And we can keep pretending that you don't call me your boyfriend in your head because I get it, you like to play it cool and keep your heart protected and I can respect that. But, we are not _just_ _friends_. We will _never_ be _just friends_. And you wouldn't want that anyway. Now, get to work detective, I can't have you drooling all over me when I have a class coming in."

 _Jay Halstead's Apartment_

She should've called or texted, she knew that. But, he'd said that it would never be too late for her to climb into his bed and she was pretty sure he hadn't intended for her to show up at nearly two o'clock in the morning when he'd said that but; she didn't really care because she was battered and bruised and she wanted to be held tonight god damn it. Scratch that; she didn't just want to be held. She wanted to be held by _him._ And for that matter; kissed, hugged, loved, snuggled, enveloped, cuddled; the list went on and on of all she wanted from him that would make the night's misfortunes seem like distant memories. All of those things would have her knocking in his door in spite of her better judgements.

She and Ruzek had been working surveillance on a small restaurant in Chinatown. They'd suspected that the owners were running meth from Canada and Al had bugged the place earlier. It was just past midnight and the place was pretty much dead. Even the sounds of the nightshift cleaning had come to and end. She'd found herself suffering through Adam's lame jokes far too long; her own special brand of torture, when, suddenly they'd heard a girl screaming over one of the mics and it sounded like someone was forcing themselves onto her and it would be enough to make both of them move before Hank had even picked up the phone to deliver the okay.

There'd be no time to gear up so they'd gone in with their sidearms only; no vests or long guns; there was no time. Adam would kick the door in and she'd file in after her and they'd clear the dining area and the kitchen and he'd head towards the bathrooms as she went towards the office.

Fortune cookies. She'd always hated them because she abhored the taste and she always seemed to get lame paper messages inside of hers that told her pointless, generic sentiments that were often unobtainable, if you asked her. But she'd especially hate them tonight because her stepping on one and causing the plastic wrap around it to crinkle and pop, crunching the cookie underneath her boot, would be what gave her away and when she rounded the corner and into the office; that man who'd caused the girl to scream would be waiting for her.

When she'd pushed in the door, he was already waiting and one expertly landed kick would knock her gun from her hands and then he'd be pile driving her out of the doorframe and back against the wall she'd just rounded. His fist would connect once with her chin and then his other hand would connect an uppercut to her rib cage; and then another, before her reflexes were kicking in and her knee was coming up to slam between his legs. The way he'd recoil from that would allow her to jam her elbow down into his eye and he'd crumble back away from her and fall to his back. She'd be on his waist, straddling him in an instant and though she was small, she was sure as fuck mighty and she'd let her own fists wail on his face until his body wasn't writhing underneath hers and then Adam was there grabbing her and pulling her off of him and pushing her back before she'd made this perp's face unrecognizable. "You good?" He'd shout at her and she'd swallow hard and nod and then spit a bit of blood out of her mouth because when he'd caught her in the chin she'd bit her tongue and drawn blood. She'd move to wipe the residue of it away from her lips but as she tried to drag the back of her hand against it, it would smart and sting. Her eyes would look at the already turning purple skin of her knuckles; littered with tiny scrapes and scratches, and shutter from both the pain and the sight of it altogether.

After receiving confirmation that she was okay, Adam rolled the offender onto his back and cuffed him while she moved back into the office to find and holster her firearm and check with the girl who, though she'd been shaken up, had gotten away from the encounter relatively unscathed.

He'd called for an ambulance and back up and then he was behind her in the hallway, placing a hand on her shoulder once the nearest patrol unit had arrived and they were investigating the man Adam would identify as Haung Chen, one of the low level members of the crew they'd been tracking. "Hey, you alright, let me look at you." He'd say, turning her around to survey the damage the perp had done to her. His thumb would brush gently over the bruise on her chin and she'd flinch at the feeling of it. "You fucked that dude up." He'd acknowledge with an air of pride in his voice as he picked up her hands to study her bruised, broken knuckles.

"He got lucky getting the jump on me; or so he thought. Had to prove him wrong." She'd wink to reassure her partner she was all good and when he'd offered to let her crash at his place since it could suck to be home on night's like this she'd made some excuse about needing her own bed and a hot shower and she'd be just fine and after they'd called Hank and packed up the van, then he'd driven them back to the district and she'd gotten into her car.

She'd fully intended to go home and take that hot shower and crawl underneath those soft, freshly laundered by Jay sheets, but; before she even realized it, she was parking at _his_ place. It was as if she'd gone there on autopilot.

So, those were the events that had led her to knock on his door and she'd be shocked at how fast he'd answered but he wouldn't admit he'd been sitting on the couch waiting for her to turn up. "My phone died." Was all she'd say when he pulled back the door and his face would shift into an expression of shocked concern as he took her haggard appearance in.

There was a bruise on her jawline, where the man had caught her in the chin. But it was nothing compared to the one's he'd find later on her ribs when he was undressing her carefully to help her into the shower. His eyes would scan her hands as he took hers into his own wordlessly and gently kissed the cuts and bruises there in a similar way to how she'd done it to his shoulder the morning before. He'd pull her against him then, safely inside his wooden floored apartment, and close the door before asking her; "What happened?" The way his voice was so full of worry would be a glaring reminder of why she'd been so hesitant to take things further with him then _just friends_ like she'd said, because she didn't want him to stay up worrying about her, he didn't deserve the sleepless; anxiety filled nights that came from being with a cop; especially one who worked in a unit like Intelligence.

"Some bastard got the jump on me because I made a stupid mistake, he heard me coming." She sighed. "Shoved me into a wall, landed a few blows before I got my wits back and took care of him." She lifted her battered hands as proof. "You should see the other guy." She'd add with a wink and a giggle, because she found sometimes in cases like this using humor would go a long way.

But not with him, he found nothing amusing or funny about this. But it was her job, he understood that, so he wouldn't patronize her with concerns about her safety because her hands would certainly be evidence that she could hold her own. Plus, she seemed like the kind of woman who would be more than happy to rid herself of any man who even implied that she needed protecting when it came to her line of work. So he'd go another route, instead. "Let's get you cleaned up." He'd murmur against her temple before placing a kiss there and then sinking down to his knees to untie her boots and help her slip them off. She'd take her holster off and set it and her gun on the high counter top of the kitchen near to the doorway and then he was leading her by the hand to the bathroom in silence where he'd take just as much care as he stripped off the rest of her clothes and got the shower ready.

With each article he removed he'd replace the fabric he'd taken away with a kiss and soon her body had been covered in them; even the parts that were battered and bruised; he'd paid special mind to them. Despite the fact that any time his eyes had the pleasure of taking her in they'd become full of desire, tonight he looked at her only with tender care and concern. He wanted to erase these reminders of the nights transgressions from her skin. But, since he couldn't, he'd settle for being able to soothe them with kisses and whispered sweet nothings that he hoped would bring her peace.

"Will you?" Was all she'd say, but her eyes would finish the question and he'd nod, because _of course_ he would. They'd step into the shower together and stand under the hot stream of piping hot water and her head would rest against his strong chest as his arms came to wrap around her. She may not need protecting from men like the one who'd roughed her up tonight, but; it was still nice to feel safe.

Sex was the last thing on her mind because her body ached and her head throbbed but she'd find that her lips had sought his out and they'd share soft, tepid kisses every so often as he had moved her slightly out of his arms so he could use a wash cloth to eradicate the layers of sweat and blood that had mixed together on various parts of her skin.

His fingers would work shampoo and conditioner into her hair when her eyes had closed and she'd hunched against him again. Even after every bit of soap had been washed away from their bodies, they'd stand there in the water until it grew warm and then a little cold and finally he was compelled to shut it off before they'd grown uncomfortable by the shifts in temperature. He'd put a towel around his own waist before moving to wrap one around her shoulders and she'd capture his lips again as he did so; more passionately this time.

"Okay so, you're my boyfriend, right?" She'd ask in a rather lame concession of her obvious feelings for him. After the tenderness and care with which he'd just treated her, there was really no more point pretending he hadn't made her _his_ now.

"Oooh—awkward, I kind of wanted to keep this _casual_ …" He's smirk but he didn't want to ruin the sentiment of her words completely so his teasing would be brief. "I mean, if you're not one for titles I can respect that but, I'd really like to be." He'd add more seriously, his tone hushed with vulnerability.

"You're my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend." She'd confirm and she'd punctuate this new fact with another kiss and then she'd step out of the shower and let the towel fall down. "We should celebrate." She'd add with utterly devious intentions as her fingers came to make his towel join hers on the floor.

He'd try to be careful with her because of the bruises but she wouldn't allow it. His thumbs had brushed over the softball sized smattering of blueish purple damaged skin on her rib cage with uncertainty until her eyes had found his again as her head leaned back against the pillow. "Make me forget," She'd request and he'd honor that wish to the fullest extent.

Their newly cemented couple status would be the driving force behind that sensual encounter and it would be almost three am before they'd both felt the climax of pleasure and she'd spoon up against his chest and fall asleep with a happy smile on her face afterwards almost immediately. "You called be babe and boyfriend, all in one day." Would be the words he used that put that smile there as she drifted to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

_District 21, The Bullpen_

As if the bruises left on her from her attacker wouldn't be enough pain; she'd have to deal with Antonio's antics first thing in the morning when he'd arrived at the district and Adam had been an unfortunate bystander to his teasing; so of course he'd joined in. "So; I had an interesting conversation with Eva last night, Detective Lindsay." Her partner would start and she wouldn't even look at him because she knew where this was going and if you asked her; it was nowhere fast.

"Whatever did you talk about, Detective Dawson?" Adam would ask, moving over to sit intrusively in Erin's personal space, propping his foot up on the arm of her chair. She'd roll her eyes at him and then shove his foot off with her hand, causing him to stagger forward slightly before he repositioned his perch on her desk's corner.

"Funny you should ask, Officer Ruzek. Because she told me, she saw Erin _yesterday_ , at her _school_. When she was eating lunch with a certain history teaching soccer _coach_." He'd annunciate a few of those words more than the others to express their importance. His articulation of that claim would elicit very different reactions from each of his teammates; Erin would be annoyed, Adam entertained.

Erin would roll her eyes at their exaggerated way of having this conversation and having no time for their shit she'd answer; "Yes, we ate lunch together, in his classroom, it was _very_ scandalous." But even as she painted the innocent picture of it, there would be a telling look in her eyes that only someone who had seen them alit with passion before would've been able to recognize.

"Wait, _wait_ …" Adam would study her very carefully because of that and she'd get a guilty look on her face when he asked the next question, "He is not the one you had _sexy plans_ with the other night, he can't be." But her moment of hesitation, before drawing in a breath to refute was all it took and he'd shake his head and speak before she had a chance to lie about it. "You dirty dog." He'd scan her face with amusement written into his own, though a bit of a self-deprecating one. "She's banging him." He'd sanction.

She'd neither confirm nor deny his statement and instead she just got up with a pointedly exaggerated shoving back of her chair to go check on the coffee she'd started brewing being that she'd been the first one in the bullpen that morning. "Adam, jealousy doesn't look good on you." She'd winked just before she'd disappeared into the break room.

She'd gasp a little while later when, after filling her cup, she turned to find Ruzek standing there with an unreadable expression on his face. "We do this dance for three years, Linds. And there's always some excuse with you as to why you just aren't ready to try it and now this guy comes along and…." He'd let it all out at once.

They were great friends; really. But one drunken night at Molly's after a particularly emotionally taxing day, at least two years ago now, had found them in bed together after a long time of harmless and playful flirtation that had created a sensual tension between them that was only natural for two young, attractive people such as themselves. Their schedules were aligned and it would have made sense, really but getting serious with him hadn't even been a fleeting thought in her mind. In fact, it wasn't something she'd ever been interested in exploring further.

Which was why she _never_ should have let it happen _again_ but it had one other, more sober time. Really, it had been fun and even kind of lovely if she was being honest, she would never have denied that, but; it just wasn't _right_. Conversation between them was easy, she was attracted enough to him, especially when he'd let his scruff grow long. He was funny if not sometimes tactless about it. There were many reasons to like the guy, really. But, it still didn't feel right. Even after they'd both found release in each other's arms that night, she'd known that it could never go further between them.

Take away the fact that if Hank found out he'd probably kill Adam and dispose of his body before Erin ever found out and it still didn't seem to quite fit for her. But up until this point; she'd always done better on her own. Sex was for fun and for pleasure only. Feelings just made things more complicated. Or, so she'd thought. But the feelings between her and Jay only made their sensual activities more incredible and as such; more frequent. She'd have to fight to keep herself from letting her mind drift to thoughts of them because she owed Adam the decency of having an actual conversation about this topic, one that they'd (really, _she'd)_ avoided for so long.

"Ruze…" She'd sigh. "We are both assholes, we would never be good together, you know that." She poured him a cup of coffee as a shitty consolation prize. "You only wanted me for my body anyway." She winked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Not even remotely true but; we are definitely assholes." He'd agree and he'd take the mug from her. "He make you happy?" He'd ask after a beat, and the way his eyes found hers from across the rim of that yellow mug would show that he actually did care to know. He was asking as her friend, her teammate; not as the guy who'd tasted her forbidden fruit and had spent months trying to find a way to get even one more bite of it.

"Like an annoying amount, actually." She'd admit, granting him the honesty he deserved. And one, that she hoped would help to finally close that door between them for good.

"Big dick?"

She'd choke on her coffee and shoot him a warning look. "This conversation is over." She'd state simply, mortification written into her forehead, though a laugh would still come with those words because fuck if he didn't know how to relieve the tension from a situation.

"That big, hmm?" Adam would tease even as she moved to abandon him in the break room. "Wait…" He'd say, his tone shifting to a more serious one. "You're like my best friend. I mean, after Kevin of course because hello, he's the literal best person either of us has ever been friends with."

"He really is." She'd agree, because you had to give it up for Kevin Atwater; he was high caliber.

Adam would shift the conversation away from the lovable teddy bear of the unit and back on to the topic at hand, "But for real, Er. You are the dopest girl I know. And you are still like a sister to me. Maybe more like a step sister and our parents got married after we both grown up and moved out so it isn't weird that I was attracted to you…" He'd go off on a tangent and she'd reel him back in with a pointed look, though it would be accompanied by a giggle as well. "So because we are good friends, you got to let me meet this guy, come on. I'll be on my best behavior and I won't make any jokes about comparing notes on sex with you, I swear."

She'd take an annoyed breath as she looked at him, but she could appreciate what he was trying to say even if his delivery had been more than a little off. No matter what had happened between them, they were friends first and always would be. "I'll think about it," She'd offer genuinely, and she _would_ consider it, but not yet. "Don't try and compare notes, babe. He's got way more to chose from." She'd wink and smack him playfully across the chest. "Oh and, Adam?" She'd say as she moved to the door's frame so she could pass through it and head back to her desk. "It's fucking huge." She'd wink, and he'd know exactly what she meant as she walked back to her chair with a very satisfied smile.

Antonio would approach her desk again right after she'd returned to it, this time alone and he'd again interrupt the peacefulness of sitting there to enjoy her coffee. These boys should really have known better by now than to try and fuck with her before she'd finished at least one cup. "You know that he was with Eva when the shooting started?" He'd ask quietly, looking at her.

Even though that statement would seem like it actually belonged in the middle of a conversation instead of the beginning of one, she'd be on the same page as he was instantly. But, his words would perplex her because it was certainly the first she was hearing of this. "No, he didn't mention that…"

"Yeah, they were talking during lunch, she and her friend…. Hannah, they'd called him over to chat. She said as soon as they'd registered the sounds of the first shot, he'd already pulled them both down and pushed them under a table." He'd acknowledge, and Erin would be shocked to learn this detail. Jay hadn't said anything about it, even after they'd run into Eva during their not so private lunch the day before. But, it made sense to her now, why they'd taken the time to stop by and privately show their gratitude.

"So to say thank you, we are inviting him to dinner tonight. You should come. I mean, you think about it; this guy protected my two best girls that day. I kind of owe him one, in a big way. Besides it's my first whole week with the kids, they'd love to see you." He'd note, seriously; patting her shoulder gently as his words sank in. Jay was so hung up on the fact that he hadn't been able to help Tre, he'd failed to even recognize that he'd done more good that day than just shielding her from a bullet that could've ended her life.

"That is definitely true." She'd laugh gently, in regards to him saying that comment about Jay saving his two best girls, but then her mind would start to wander to him and how selflessly amazing he always was. She was so far gone over him now she honestly couldn't remember what it was even like before him. That would scare her; a lot. It would prompt her voice to be wrought with hesitation was she spoke, "I don't know about all that Antonio," She'd say with a reluctance to her words.

"What, it's not like I invited him because he's your little boyfriend… or whatever feminist term you want to give it; I did it for Eva. And, I'm only really inviting you because I'm making my _famous_ carnitas and you know you can put a hurtin' on some spiced pork, baby girl."

"Carnitas?" Her eyes would light up at the mention of her partner's signature dish. If an orgasm could be made into an edible substance; she swore to god it would be that citrus marinated pork he expertly prepared for special occasions. " _Fine."_ She'd sigh. "I'll come, but… can you please promise not to make things weird and get all protective older brother cop mode. I don't want Eva to know anything is up."

"I can't help but notice you didn't refute my use of the term boyfriend?"

"He's…. we're…." She'd shrug. "It's private. I'm happy. Can we leave it there?"

Antonio would nod and let her off the hook because truly; that was all that mattered to him. That she was happy. And, Jay Halstead seemed like a good man on all accounts. Maybe he was inviting him over to check him out a little more than he'd let on to his partner; but she would never had allowed it and she was like a sister to him and sometimes; a surrogate mother figure to Eva and Diego because ever since his divorce; dating had been on the back burner and even when he had met people; they weren't worthy of meeting his kids.

When the two of them came to stay with him on his weekends, and Eva's antics had gotten too much to handle; Erin would show up with ice cream and they'd hole up in her room and deal with things until the younger girl would eventually come out and apologize to her dad for her overly angsty ways. Maybe it was on those conversations; that would take on a Vegas-esque motto of "what we say here stays here" that had Erin's sass rubbing off on her. Antonio wouldn't mind though; because if Eva grew up to be like Erin Lindsay; she'd be doing more than alright.

 _Antonio Dawson's place_

After wrapping her shift at the district, Erin had gone home to shower and change and she'd decide to play a fun little game when Jay had texted letting her know he had dinner plans that night and asking would it be okay for him to come by afterwards. She'd said no; told him she had her own plans. But; she'd be the only one of them to know they were the same as his.

When she arrived at Antonio's, Jay was already there and despite the fact that he was supposed to be taking it easy; gunshot wound and all, he would be in the front yard playing soccer with Diego and Eva when she pulled into the driveway. He wouldn't notice her until the ball had rolled in front of her and she'd placed her black high heel clad foot on top of it to stop it. "I would've worn sneakers if I'd known there were plans for some two v. two soccer tonight." She'd wink. She'd prove to be slightly over dressed in those black heels, red skinny jeans, and black v-neck. Jay would appreciate every bit of that outfit and of the way those jeans clung to her hips.

"Erin?" Jay would ask, confused, but then Diego and Eva would be moving to greet her with gentle hugs and she'd hand Antonio's youngest child the box of churros she'd picked up from the Spanish bakery two blocks west of her place, with instructions to give them to his dad who was still getting everything ready.

Jay would smile eagerly at her; it took everything in him not to grab her and kiss her because Eva was there and he tried to keep things at least decently professional when around his students. But the way the pair of them grinned like idiots at each other would tell Eva loud and clear the message they were both trying to conceal.

"I thought you said you two were just _friends_." Eva would say, crossing her arms as she looked at them now that they'd moved closer to one another and shared their own awkward hug because they knew how to fit against each other perfectly now with practiced ease, but they'd work to make it seem like this hug between them hadn't been done earlier that morning devoid of clothes at his place.

"What, Eva we-" Erin would begin, but her white lie would be cut short by his interruption.

"Well, it wasn't the appropriate time or place to tell you the nature of our relationship, Eva. But this is outside of school so; you are allowed to know that Erin is my—" It would be her turn to interrupt.

" _Friend_." She'd finish the sentence for him with a word different from the one she knew he'd intended to use before he'd have the chance. Erin thought it would be better to try to ease the girl into this before he was dropping the g-word on her. She knew how fragile a teenage heart could be and she had seen the look of devastation from in Eva's eyes when Jay had started to explain. "We have gone on a couple of dates…" She'd admit, though that was actually a lie because every single one of their encounters had seemed to take place in the safety of one of their apartments but that was story for another time. With that offering of half-truth, Eva's sad eyes would turn into mad ones, and she'd glare at Erin before turning to flee back inside.

"What, why did you lie?" Jay would ask as he turned to look at Erin who'd been about to move past him to go after Eva but his words would stop her.

"Jay, she doesn't need to know that… you are her teacher."

"And you're like family to her, what made her upset is you clearly lying to her about us when I think the chemistry between us makes it more than obvious that something is going on here..."

"No, what made her upset is that she has a huge crush on her ridiculously hot soccer coach/debate teacher and she and all her friends have built up this idea of you in their heads that I am totally ruining for her right now…" She'd sigh. "I need to talk to her."

"Erin; I've dealt with this before. Eva is not the first or last students who is going to get her feelings hurt over this. Her feelings are inappropriate; at best. It's better to completely shatter the illusion. She'll get over it; I have broken a lot of teenage hearts these last three years and not by choice. It's actually supremely uncomfortable for me, to be honest. It might be nice for the kids to _know_ I have a girlfriend." He'd confess and she'd look at him and a smile would grow on her lips.

She'd shake her head as she took a step towards him. "I guess I didn't really consider how you might feel in all of this." She'd admit, placing a hand gently on his chest. "And maybe, a little bit, I was using Eva as an excuse because; I am afraid of what happens when we let other people in. We are in this perfect little bubble right now; I don't want it to get ruined, by _anything_." It would be her turn for a confession.

"I get that; I really do, babe." He'd whisper gently and his hand would come to rest on her hip with unmistakable familiarity. "But it's not realistic to stay in a bubble. And, honestly; I don't want to. I'm not the sneak around and keep secrets type of guy. Makes it seem like we have something to hide or be ashamed of and we don't."

Antonio clearing his throat would keep her from responding and she'd look Jay thoughtfully in the eyes for one moment longer before turning her attention to her partner. "Dinner is ready," He'd say with a giant smile.

Diego was already sitting at the table and Erin would sit next to him and Jay across from her as Antonio took the seat at the head of the table. The last chair would remain empty though and family's patriarch would frown. "Where's Eva?"

Erin would sigh gently, biting her lip and then she'd rise from the chair she'd only just begun to occupy. "I will go get her." She'd look thoughtfully at Jay as she stood up and then descended down to the hall, following the familiar route to the teenage girl's bedroom where they'd had many heart to hearts in the last few years. "Eva," She'd say gently, knocking lightly on the door. "You know I can pick a lock in seconds so, save me the trouble and open the door." She'd add after trying the knob and finding it locked.

There would be some rustling around in the room and than Eva was opening the door just a crack and looking at Erin with a smug look. "What?" She'd say rudely and Erin would fight her urge to roll her eyes because Eva's teenage sass had literally _nothing_ on hers. She would refrain from patronizing her as she shoved the door in easily because she was much stronger than the other girl and she'd move into the room and close the door behind her.

"I shouldn't have lied to you," She'd admit, sitting on Eva's bed and looking over at her, nodding with her head to beckon the girl to join her and she would, albeit reluctantly. "We went through something really intense together and it bonded us very quickly and he is… incredibly handsome and charming and all sorts of things that every woman pretty much dreams of finding in a man." She'd find a smile spreading on Eva's lips as she nodded in agreement. "And we kissed and we've… _had dates_." Well, that was sort of true, right? It would nag at her again that they'd never actually gone out anywhere yet. "But we are still figuring out what's going on, because it's new and we're still getting to know each other."

"But he's your _boyfriend_?" Eva would ask bluntly; recognizing fully that Erin had purposely been tiptoeing around that subject.

She'd hesitate at first before replying, but she'd have to admit that the next sentence would feel _really good_ falling from her lips; "Yes, he is." She'd say, almost shyly and her dimples would be tinted red with a flush of nervous excitement.

Eva's anger would dissolve almost instantly because some part of her teenaged mind that was logical knew that Coach Halstead was just an unobtainable object of her affection that was never going to happen. But perhaps having Erin live out this reality was the next best thing. "Oh my god, so…. is he a good kisser?" She'd ask, a giggle bouncing from her lips as she grasped Erin's hands and waited for the girl talk to commence.

"The best." Erin would smile back and a laugh would spring from her own lips.

"So have you two…" Eva would raise her eyebrows pointedly. " _You know_!"

"Eva Dawson that is highly inappropriate!" Erin's cheeks would flush a darker red now, but she was still laughing even as she rolled her eyes.

"What happened to being one hundred percent honest with each other?" Eva would press, using Erin's words from another time against her now. "Besides, your face and that reaction _totally_ answered the question anyway, so we can just skip over it." She'd giggle and Erin would roll her eyes again.

"Oh someone is a regular junior detective over there now, eh?" She would smirk gently at the younger girl who had grown to resemble her father a lot more as she grew older. "Come on let's join the boys, before Diego eats everything." She'd say, slinging her arms around Eva's shoulders before rising with her to head back to the table.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

"I've been asked far too many intrusive questions about our sex life today." Erin would note as she came to sit down in his lap, despite the fact that there was plenty of space on the couch next to him for her to sit instead. He wouldn't protest this action though; in fact his arm would come around her waist to secure her position there.

She handed him a beer that he'd taken appreciatively and he would take a long sip before addressing her statement. "Do I even want to know?"

"Eva," She'd smirk at the way is eyes widened. "Don't worry, I kept the entire talk very G rated." She'd offer to soothe his sudden panic. "And, one of the guys on my team; but… that's a long story." She'd start to think maybe her conversation with Adam, and the implications that came with it, were a story for another time.

"Well, I've got plenty of time for long stories so…" He'd tug at her so that instead of just sitting in his lap, she'd turn to face him and straddle him.

"It's really nothing."

"Then just tell me," He'd press further and it would kind of irritate her but then she'd offer some information any way because as had already been established; it just seemed to be the way it was between them.

"We…" She'd hesitate. "I wouldn't even say we had a thing because it was _never_ actually a thing. We slept together; twice. He's always kind of carried a torch for me ever since but we're just friends." She'd shrug.

"It wasn't a thing for _you_ or was he also aware it wasn't a thing?" He'd ask, a surprising amount of jealousy rising in him now.

She'd grow slightly defensive at the tone he'd given which she'd felt was somewhat accusatory. "It wasn't a thing for either of us. And it was like two years ago. Someone really close to me had….died." She'd sigh. "Actually, she'd been murdered; because of me. And we went out drinking after her memorial service and I was in a bad place and I got hammered and we shared an Uber home and I invited him upstairs because I didn't want to be alone and then… I was sad and depressed and he was there and we're both attractive and then suddenly…" She's shrug. "It wasn't impressive; neither of us even remembered much of it because we'd killed a handle of rum between us when we got back here." She wasn't sure why she even felt the need to explain to him the story of something that had happened before she even knew he existed; but for some reason she did.

"And the second time?" He'd inquire, taking in her words. He wanted the whole story before he made any decisions about it because as evolved as he considered himself to be; it was still hard to stomach the idea that she worked with a guy who could very well be in love with her if his experience with her had been even a fraction as powerful as they were with Jay.

"We were sober; we were supposed to meet the rest of the Unit for drinks but everyone bailed after we were already there and we shared a beer and some wings and he'd looked at me and said something about how it was a shame he'd had me and couldn't remember and I guess I found it charming, and I was probably feeling particularly lonely, because I told him if he could pay the tab and get us a ride in under five minutes I'd give him a chance to find out and—he made it happen."

"And…?"

"And what? And nothing. It was a good time; I guess. I _came_ if that's what you're wondering." She'd communicate her annoyance that was threatening to turn angry. He'd quell it though, by putting his beer down on the side table and then placing his hands on her hips and giving her a reassuring squeeze he hoped would communicate he was just asking not accusing her of anything. "And then I left, while he was in the shower that he'd begged me to join him in but I had declined and then I sent him a text and said we were better as friends and that our boss would probably castrate him if he found out so it was probably better if we never did this again."

"And he was just okay with that?" Jay couldn't imagine he could be because he himself had had the immense pleasure of taking Erin Lindsay to bed and it was enough to change a man's life and spoil him for any other woman; if you asked the tall brunette man his thoughts on the matter.

"I mean… I'm sure he would have liked to keep fucking but I was afraid he would have too many feelings that I just couldn't reciprocate." She'd reply honestly. "And he was fine, he didn't like mope around or something. He has taken plenty of lovers since then, he bounced back more than enough times."

He could respect that she was a woman who knew what she wanted and didn't play games; even if he felt that ending a love affair via text was somewhat of a gutless move; he could appreciate the fact that she hadn't just led the poor sap on. It would bring a smile to his lips as he realized that; try as she may to do the same to him, she hadn't been able to. "I remember a time, not so long ago when you wanted to pretend you didn't feel anything for me beyond wanting to fuck."

"I didn't want to feel all these things for you." She'd admit and a small smile would form on her own lips then. "But I couldn't help it." She'd add to her confession and any annoyance she had at explaining herself to him would evaporate and instead be replaced with relief because she felt almost like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders each time she shared something honest with him, even when it was somewhat uncomfortable to do so.

His hands would run up her sides, starting at her hips and travelling north until they'd found both sides of her face to bring her lips down to his. "I couldn't help feeling all of these things for you either, but, I was happy about that," He'd mutter against her pouty lips in a hushed voice before actually pressing a kiss to them.

She'd smile into the kiss that would soon grow passionate and he'd rid her of her beer and then her shirt in quick succession. His hands would travel from her face to her neck and then down towards the straps of lacy black fabric that clung to her shoulders and had been made and worn clearly with the intention of being taken off.

His fingers would slide the straps down her shoulders, giving her a chill that would send a shiver up her spine and cause the tiny hairs on the back of her neck to stand up; but he wouldn't unclasp it yet. It was as his lips had trailed further south, towards the supremely soft and supple skin that protruded from the lacy cups that were all that covered the upper half of her body that she'd make another whispered statement, though perhaps not at the most opportune time. "We still haven't had a proper date." The words would be uttered seemingly out of nowhere, even to her. The thought had struck her suddenly though and had just come out to make itself known.

"Where do you want to go?" He'd ask, his hands still roaming up her back as he'd murmur those words into the place between her breasts were his mouth had just been giving sensual kisses before her statement had come. "I'll take you anywhere…"

And though her mind had just been on getting dolled up and having a nice dinner out somewhere; her answer wouldn't even touch on date plans because the only way she could think to answer that question right now, as his fingers came to find the clasp that held that black lace together would be; "To bed." And the words would be so breathless and real that a smile would grow again on his lips as he finally lifted them from her chest and then in one strong, steady motion; he'd risen from the couch with her still straddling his lap and he'd bend his knees slightly so he could hike her up and then his fingers had finished the task they'd just begun and the black lace would become just another forgotten article on the floor as he carried her to bed.

Hours would pass and they'd make love through almost every minute of them even though they'd take turns saying how they should really get to bed because they had work the next morning. That statement would be amended to _later_ this morning once she'd realized it was now after one o'clock when she'd felt her legs quiver against his hips for the third time after they'd moved out of the bed and up against a space on the wall where her back would arch off of as she'd moaned his name; which would send him over the edge as well.

"Baby;" Her lips would whisper the pet name into his shoulder as their chests seemed to heave and fall in the same rapid rhythm and then slow down together simultaneously as well after they'd both found the apex of hedonistic lust. It wasn't until he'd lain her back down against the soft jersey knit sheets that adorned her bed that he'd finally pull out and away from her. As soon as that ardent connection was broken, she'd reach to pull him against her again; this time for the warmth, comfort, and safety that his arms always seemed to provide as she drifted to sleep.

She'd find him very distracting though because even though he'd had more than his fill of her tonight; he always founding himself wanting more, and he was still pressing soft fluttered kisses to her neck and shoulder and again goose bumps would prickle her skin. "Purple Pig," She'd mutter as her eyes had started to drift closed from the soothing way in which his breath tickled her skin as he kissed it.

To anyone not from or familiar with Chicago, that statement might seem like the gibberish ramblings of a half asleep person but; he'd recognize it as a restaurant boasting a James Beard award winning chef. "For our date, _tomorrow._ " She'd add as she rolled over so that her lips could once again be on the receiving end of those kisses he'd been offering to other parts of her body for the past while.

And they would be bequeathed with many kisses, until they'd both fallen asleep with lips still pressed together, legs tangled, chests touching, and breathing finding the same rhythm until the sun would rise and wake them in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

_Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

It seemed almost silly that he was coming to pick her up for a date considering that they'd basically lived inside each other's pockets since the moment they'd met. Their attempt at a _proper_ first date had been delayed twice; both due to her job and it was now Friday night instead of Monday as she got ready to finally be wined and dined by him at the Purple Pig. As she zipped herself into a green dress, she surveyed the seven other discarded ones that were strewn across her bed in evidence of her indecision.

Her phone would buzz and seeing Adam's name, she'd ignore it the first time and stay focused on the task at hand but when her phone had lit up with it again moments later she'd sighed and then picked it up. "What?" She'd asked, turning around to survey herself in the mirror. Well, she couldn't wear _these_ underwear with _this_ dress; that was for sure. She'd move to the top drawer of the dresser tucked into her closet to pick out a _smaller_ pair of panties to replace the current ones with as she waited for Ruzek to respond.

"And hello to you too, kitten." He'd laugh gently, imaging the eye roll that nickname would've earned him in person. "What are you doing tonight? Atwater got asked last minute to do an Open Mic Night at club, we're all grabbing a bite first and heading out to see him after, you in? Al already agreed to be DD, Kim and Antonio are in too…" He'd emphasize the fact that other people were going to be there; not just the two of them.

"Aw, shit. That sounds amazing, but… I have plans that have actually been rescheduled twice and are finally about to start in less than fifteen minutes." She'd confess, but with a sigh she'd add; "but text me the address of the club and maybe I'll swing by after _if_ this thing I'm doing wraps up early?" She'd offer that big if, shimming out of the panties she'd been wearing before slipping in to the new pair that wouldn't show through her tight dress before heading back to the mirror and sighing, she still wasn't sure it still wasn't right. She didn't want to be _too sexy_ ; but she also wanted to be just the _right_ amount.

"What's with the sigh, buttercup?" He'd inquire; figuring what her plans must be if she wasn't going to jump at the chance to be there in support of their friend. She had plans with _him_ , probably _a date_ , which would indicate something else to him. If Erin was really going out with this guy, letting him take her out on dates, she must be serious about him. He'd swallow that realization with a grain of salt.

"Can you just call me Erin or, something normal?" She giggled gently and then, for some reason, she offered the next bit. "I can't decide what to wear." She shook her head at that admittance. "I am not usually this kind of girl."

"Okay, _something normal._ " Again, he'd imagine the way her eyes would roll on her end. "But, don't stress so much over what kind of girl this pretty boy is turning you into. I think it's cute," He'd remark in reply. "And trust me when I say you will blow him away with whatever you put on. You want some advice though?"

In spite of her better judgment she'd reply, "Sure." And then she'd brace herself for whatever vulgar thing to come next but she'd find his suggestion surprisingly tame.

"If it's me? I want to see _you_ in whatever would look best as I took it off you at my apartment later that night. But, this dude seems classier than me. Go with that…. green dress. You know the one; it makes your ass look ridiculous and you can't get mad at me for saying that because if you put it out there; then I've got the right to look. But, that's the dress. It's classy and sexy and gives just enough but leaves the best parts to the imagination."

She'd smile both at the genuine thoughtfulness of _parts_ of what he'd said and at the fact that the green dress he was referring to was the one that adorned her now. "My ass does look _pretty great_ in this," She'd agree, turning once more to survey it in the mirror.

"You were already wearing it? Lucky man," He'd respond and she could feel the smile spread on his lips through the phone. "You should bring him to the Open Mic you know… we _all_ want to meet this guy!" He'd add and her own blushing smile would come to her face as she moved to the bathroom to put on her make up.

"Maybe," She'd offer him that much and it would be more than he'd anticipated getting from her because truthfully, they'd both expected her to say no to that suggestion right off the bat.

"Well, I am going to go and try to get myself to look half as good as you probably do in that dress of yours right now. I think this new EMT I met working a case last week we called CFD in on has been vibin' on me lately, and I'm gonna make my move tonight." He'd add and she'd hear him clap his hands together in the background noise as if giving himself a high five over that. Envisioning that accurate idea of his actions would make her giggle.

"Good luck with that, Adam. And thanks, by the way. I think I am going to wear this dress. Don't forget to text me the address, Atwater is my _favorite_ human so… he might be worth cutting my _evening_ short to join you guys, we'll see." She'd act like they hadn't just been transparently talking about how she was fretting over an obvious date with Jay Halstead. But he wouldn't allow her to keep up that pretense.

"Don't cut it short, bring him!" Adam would remark and she'd roll her eyes and laugh gently before they were both saying goodbye and she was finishing up her make up.

She'd just have finished sliding her feet into her shoes when she'd heard the knock at her door and the dimpled smile would grow on her lips before she could stop it. "Coming," She'd call as she stood up after jamming her foot into the chocolate brown shoe.

The new adornments on her feet would click-clack against the floor as she moved towards the door and when she drew it open she'd find him standing there in a light grey suit that he wore even better than the last one she'd seen him in, with a bouquet of flowers in his right hand. Instead of offering a hello he'd start with, "Though giving flowers as a token of adoration was evident even in prehistoric times and very prevalent by the Middle Ages, it was the Victorian era people that would really assign symbolism to the act." He'd extended the ones he'd brought for her then and she'd take them with an even bigger smile than the one that she'd worn since hearing the sound of his arrival as he continued. "They took flower giving very seriously; even wrote books about it. There were all sorts of rules. For example," He'd move into the house and kiss her swiftly on the lips. "Red roses have always signified love; but if you delivered them upside down to someone; they'd actually be an indication of ferocious anger; usually sent from a scorned lover." He'd wiggle his eyebrows and her dimples would come in to play. "But beyond that, they would use flowers as a sort of… unspoken language of all the things to could be improper to articulate out loud, especially during a Victorian era courtship." He'd wrap his arm around her waist and press a kiss to that smitten smile on her lips that would grow in passion before he pulled back, "Sorry that was my very long, nerdy history teacher prelude into telling you, hello gorgeous _girlfriend_." They'd both love how that word sounded as he used it to refer to her now. "I am so excited for our date tonight." He'd add, his nose coming to nuzzle against hers before capturing her lips in another intimate kiss.

 _All_ of that would leave her both breathless and speechless for a moment before she found her free hand resting on his chest and she found his eyes with her own. "Wait so… what Victorian message do these have?" She'd ask and her eyes would leave his only to linger on the brightly colored purples and yellows of the floral arrangement she held in her right hand. She was no expert on receiving flowers; but she knew they weren't any of the familiar ones like roses or lilies. That would tickle her a little; she liked the idea of going out outside the conventions of flower giving to find something a little less expected. It sort of mirrored them, if she thought about it.

"Ahh, yes." He'd grin at the fact that she seemed to be taken with his story on the flowers and not put off by it. "Pansies," He'd identify them for her. "They were meant to convey a message to your lover that translates to 'you occupy my mind' or… a more modern; I think about you all the time." He'd add and that would charm her instantly. "Because, I do." He'd add thoughtfully, his eyes staring in to hers intimately.

A surge of feelings she had _never_ felt ever in her life would swell up inside of her as she leaned up to kiss him with a hungry, passionate need she'd never known before. There was an urgency in the way her lips moved against his and then in the way her tongue danced with his and they'd both be breathless as the kiss ended up with him pressing her against the wall. His roaming hand would come to rest on her the curve of her butt, if she'd asked him; he would have agreed that it looked _damn_ good in that dress she'd chosen. "We have a reservation," he'd moan into the place on her neck where his lips had travelled during their passionate exchange. "And if we hadn't already cancelled the last two then it wouldn't matter but…" Their kiss would break and they both knew he was right.

She'd let out a small laugh of sexually charged frustration yet also indicative of understanding and she'd nod as she caught her breath. "To be continued," She'd say with a wink.

"Oh, definitely." He'd agree and they'd share one more kiss; though this one was much more chaste. "You look… _wow_ by the way." The incredibly articulate man, who'd prepared such a brilliantly anecdotal story about the flowers he'd brought her would find himself at a loss for words when it came to describing what a knockout she was in this dress; even more so than her usual breathtaking level of attractiveness.

"You look _wow_ yourself, babe. Incredibly dapper." She'd run her finger over the front of that fine fabric and appreciative the feel of it under them. "You sure know how to wear the fuck out of a suit." She'd add, and he could definitely appreciate the way her crassness could lighten the tense feelings that surrounded them as they admired and regarded one another, not just for their looks. If he wasn't convinced doing so would scare her off and send her running; he'd have told her right then that he was quite positively in love with her.

 _The Purple Pig_

Dinner had been amazing and not just because of the small plates appetizers they'd shared. He'd ordered some weird ones she never would've tried on her own and she was quite certain he was the only person she'd ever let push her outside of her comfort zone like that.

"What does it even mean when it says. Fava bean puree?" She'd ask, once the waiter had set the first round of appetizers in front of them.

"Just try it; I could tell by the way you enjoyed that pork at Antonio's in a way that, if I'm being honest; was rather sexual." They'd smirk and her leg would knock against his under the table. "There's a little foodie trapped inside of you. I just have to expose you to all these new foods and flavors you haven't tried. But, you've got to open your mind to it."

Her mind would drift to the idea of him exposing her in other ways as he drew the small piece of crostini smeared with that adventurous puree to her lips and she'd lean forward to take a bite of it, because his amazing way with words had once again convinced her. His thumb would swipe gently at her bottom lip as he drew his hand back and her eyes would flutter closed slightly as she tasted the flavors. "Okay, okay; that is really fucking good." She'd say after she'd chewed and swallowed the bite and then she'd agree to surrender the ordering to him and submit to trying whatever he'd recommend.

Over the course of dinner, her phone would vibrate and glow in her purse, but it would sit there forgotten until she and Jay were stood in line at the valet kiosk waiting to get his car. It was then that she'd see the various picture and text messages from Adam, Burgess, and Kevin in various states of sobriety as they'd eaten dinner and drank merrily at the little hole in the wall place a few doors down from the comedy club Kevin sometimes preformed at. The images would tug at her heartstrings, as would the several text messages saying it wasn't the same without her and in particularly the ones from Kevin that promised to poke fun at Adam in ways that she would find especially hilarious, and warning that she wouldn't want to miss it. And she wouldn't, truly. But this night was amazing and she didn't want it to end with Jay either. The world always seemed a little brighter with him around and she feared ending their night early would find her sleeping alone for the first time in who was counting how long; and she knew that it wouldn't be the same now without him there next to her. She was surprised by how much she'd grown used to having him there and how reliant she already felt on his presence.

"What are you smiling at?" He'd ask her, after he'd handed the valet ticket to the parking attendant and he'd turned to look at her with his hands in his pockets. The windy nature of the night had created a chill in the air that already had him wrap his jacket around her shoulders when they'd first stepped out into the cool night air. She'd taken it gratefully and more than the warmth it brought her, she'd appreciate how it smelled like him.

"Oh… nothing, just thinking about _us_ and how disgusting we are." She'd grin happily and his facial expression would mirror hers as well. Then, she'd also add; "And, my friends too, actually. They sent me a bunch of pictures and messages because they're trying to guilt me about something." She laughed gently. Any ideas she'd had about cutting her time with Jay short tonight to join her friends had pretty much vanished sometime around her second glass of sangria and her lips would press lazily against his now as she realized that she'd made her decision about how her night would end well before he'd even picked her up for this date, honestly.

"Making you feel guilty about what?" He'd ask, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back.

"They are all at this comedy club, Atwater; he's in my Unit, he's doing a set for this Open Mic thing and I'm the _only_ one not there; but it was super last minute and we had already rescheduled this date more than once and I would be damned if I did it again. So, any other time; I'm totally there. But, nothing was getting in the way of this date; not this time."

He'd be happy to hear where this date had fallen on her list of priorities but he'd frown at the fact she'd had to miss a special time with her friends that was probably not something she often had chances for with them with how hectic her life always seemed to be. "I'm sorry you missed it." 

"Actually he doesn't go on until 10… they were just sending me pictures with all sorts of silly filters as they ate dinner. The last photo was an empty seat between a bunch of them and Antonio holding up a napkin with a poorly drawn stick figure and my name under it," She'd show him the photo on her screen and they'd both laugh gently at the group antics.

"We should go then!" He'd suggest, noticing on his watch that it was just before nine thirty.

"Hmm?" She was slightly taken aback by his recommendation, figuring that both of their minds were most certainly focused on that _to be continued_ they'd promised each other earlier before leaving her place to make their reservation.

"Let's go to the club, we can totally make it. I can tell from the picture where they are; one of the Chemistry teacher's at my school has done an Open Mic there before." He'd realize he may be getting ahead of himself, but; he didn't want her to miss out on something important like this on account of him. "Listen, if you don't want to introduce me to the team yet, which I totally understand by the way, then I'll drop you off and… I can even come back later to pick you up if you have more to drink or can't get a ride or whatever—"

She'd interrupt him with a kiss because how fucking sweet and perfect could this man be? Any doubts she'd had about bringing him to meet her _family_ would go out the window at the genuinely kind offering he'd just made. "Yeah, let's go. Both of us. Together. As an _us._ " Her fingers would lace with his as she'd kept amending her original statement to clarify that she was more than ready now, to introduce him finally and officially as her _boyfriend_. Even if things between them had seemed to move at warp speed; she just knew it was _right_. This wasn't just some guy that Hank would throw into what he'd call her long list of broken hearts. Jay was more permanent than that; she felt it at her very core.

She'd text Adam and let him know _they_ were coming and then, as the attendant pulled up with his car, Jay would hand him a tip and then move to help Erin into the passenger's seat himself, opening the door and then pressing a hungry kiss to her lips that would bring her back to earlier in their night and that place on her wall where he'd been pressing her before they'd left for dinner. The recollection of that would have her feeling rather hot and bothered as they drove the short distance from the Purple Pig to the comedy club to take their relationship to the next; more public level.

 _Riddles Comedy Club_

"ERIN!" The loud chorus of whoops and hollers would emit from her friends as she walked up to them, Jay following behind her. She'd be pulled in her for hugs and kisses on the cheek (multiple times from a rather drunk Burgess), as he stood awkwardly in the back before she was free enough to introduce him to the whole lot of them.

"Sorry, babe." She'd say gently as she came back to his side and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Alright you crazy kids, this is my _boyfriend_ Jay." She'd giggle and kiss his cheek to prove her case and that would elicit more whoops and hollers and some raisings of glasses and beer bottles. There would even be shouts of _'here, here'_ from a couple of them. "Jay, this is; _everybody_. I'll let them tell you who they are individually because that is a lot of work. But, here is the man of the hour; the hilarious Kevin Atwater." She'd move to clasp Kevin on the shoulder and kiss his cheek platonically before moving to abandon Jay and throw him to the wolves as she went to the bar. "You want anything to drink?" She'd called over her shoulder to him.

"Just a water," He'd grin, kissing her forehead as she sauntered past him to the bar.

"JAY!" The chorus of voices would sing for him now and in a swift move he was seemingly enveloped into the group as they exchanged greetings and introductions.

When she returned with water for him and a glass of white wine for herself, she'd be surprised to find him sitting shoulder to shoulder with Adam.

"What, no seat for me?" She'd tease, handing Jay the glass he'd requested.

"Oh, there is one," Adam would say and his hand would come to shove at her hips in such a way that it would cause her to stumble slightly and then fall to sit in her boyfriend's lap. She and Adam would share a smile over this action.

A couple acts would be up before Atwater took the modest stage and they'd all be laughing through those sets but; once Kevin had finished; they'd all have tears in their eyes.

Jay had excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Erin to take his seat and she'd turn to face Adam, who'd just knocked his knee against hers. "You _love_ him,"

"Excuse me?" A nervous laugh would fall from her lips. "I haven't even known him a month."

"I know," He'd nod in agreement. "But, that doesn't matter. You still love him." He'd say more wisely, shrugging in that matter-of-fact way that she usually found annoying; but instead founding endearing right now.

She wouldn't deny it and her face would flush red with emotion. "Things are… _different_ with him. It's… nice. I really don't want to fuck it up."

"You won't, Erin." He'd regard her _finally_ with her name and not some fluffed up version of it. "This is amazing, I'm happy for you. Watching you two together is; _eye-opening_." He'd affirm, his fingers tapping against her leg. "That's the man for you, for sure. And I can't even be bitter about it. We could never have what you two clearly have; which is that natural spark that means you couldn't stay away from each other even if you tried." He'd add and then he'd lean in to hug her and she'd squeeze him gently and kiss his cheek; his words would be a staggeringly accurate account of the nature of their feelings and connection for and to one another.

"Thanks, _sweetness_." She'd say, offering him a gentle pet name like he'd always used with her, even though most of the time he'd only served to bother her with it. They'd share a happy smile between them and she'd know that the feelings between them would remain platonic on both ends of their relationship now.

Jay would return with a fresh glass of white wine for her ands he'd enjoy it slowly while they talked to her friends and she would mostly watch as he told them stories about school that had them all laughing and everything had felt so natural with him here that she'd begin to open herself to the idea of the love she knew was growing for him in her heart.

A break in the group's conversation would have her leaning over to whisper in his ear. "It's time for you to take me home," In a husky; sultry way that would have him doing just that. They'd say their goodbyes and he'd be clasped in hugs that were already familiar after only one night and promises of getting together soon would follow them out the door and down the block to the parking garage where they'd left his car.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

They'd resume their heated make out session like hitting play on a paused movie. His hands would be trying to find her zipper as her hands had started to unbutton his shirt. The combinations of wine she'd had tonight would have her slightly less adept at unbuttoning and they'd have to stop their heated attack on each other's lips, necks, and chests in order to rid each other of clothing that got in the way of skin-to-skin contact they both longed for and had spent the better part of the last hour lusting for with flirtatious touches and stolen kisses that would turn more passionate than they'd intended to let them in such a public setting. His hands would tangle in her hair as she worked on his shirt, "Tonight was fun; all of it. The date, the comedy club; _this…_ " Her words would trail off into a kiss as she reached the last button and then came to let his shirt fall open. She'd be disappointed that his washboard abs would still be hidden by his white undershirt and she'd tug less than gently to get that outer layer off him and her hands would come to grip his strong muscular arms as he drew her against him and his hands hand roamed up her back to find her zipper, which he'd finally be successful in locating.

"A _perfect_ night." He'd agree once he was tugging it down and peeling the fabric off of her shoulder to replace it with kisses he'd been thinking about pressing to that exact spot since he'd woken up that morning.

He'd be tempted to take her right there, against that wall right inside the doorway but their kisses would carry them down the hallway towards her bed and as he came down over her in the middle of the queen sized mattress, he'd whisper fragmented words as they were interrupted by the kisses he trailed over her chest and stomach. "Come- away—with- me." He'd rise up to hover over her so their eyes could meet.

"I'd go _anywhere_ with you," She'd confess, leaning up to find his lips again, her legs coming to wrap around his waist, begging for more closeness.

"Then come with me; to Wisconsin. I have this cabin… it's beautiful; especially this time of year. I always go after school gets out; to decompress. And this year; I need it more than anything. But the idea of being there; as wonderful as it is; it just wouldn't feel right without you. I don't want to be gone a week and not sleeping with you in the same bed, waking up lazy kisses from those pouty lips of yours…" He'd punctuate how much he'd miss kissing those lips by doing so now and his hands would come up her side and up over her bare breasts where his fingers would trace lightly, teasingly. He hoped that lust might overtake logic before she gave him an answer.

"I… _can't_ take a week off." Was all she'd say at first and her eyes were fluttering closed because his hands were being _very_ distracting right now and this was no time for a conversation because she might end up agreeing to quit her job to get him to have his way with her right now with the way he was driving her crazy.

"Okay, I realize that was probably impossible…" He'd mutter, licking his lips as he looked down at her biting down on her own bottom one. "So… what about five days?" He'd asked, his lips moving to follow the trail his fingers had just left behind. Her only reply would be a soft moan and a smile would form on his lips as he looked up briefly to take in the pleasure filled expression that was on her face as a result of his tantalizations. "Is that a yes?" He'd ask, and she'd arch her back slightly to ask him to talk less and use his lips for other more pressing matters. He'd oblige this request and his lips would finish their journey around her breasts and come back to her lips to silence them both in the best way to prohibit conversation.

Her obvious love for him would be evident in her green eyes as she stared up at him after they'd finished devouring one another with intensely passionate yet still unspoken love and reverence. She would force herself not to vocalize those words in such an obvious way as she snuggled against him. "I think that _maybe_ I can swing _possibly… potentially_ five days." She'd nod, kissing him softly before nibbling at his bottom lip. "No promises." She'd add, because she had a feeling that when Hank found out he was the last person to meet her boyfriend; he'd be less than pleased and who knew how he'd end up taking that out on her. She'd have to have a sit down with the man tomorrow and lay all her cards on the table about her budding romance and relationship with Jay. But, she didn't want t think about that right now; instead she wanted to enjoy the post-coital glow that still surrounded them now that she kind of hoped might turn into another round or two.

 _District 21; The Bullpen_

"Yeah, Eva showed it to me on Instagram this moring; which she mistakenly left logged into my phone and now I am going to shamelessly stalk her." He'd get a devious look in his eyes as the group of men surrounding him shared a laugh as he pulled up the photo he'd been referencing. "They submit photos to this anonymous account 'East Prep Anonymous' and they captioned it hash tag HalSTUD. Get it, it's a play on words; cause…his last name is Halstead" Antonio was laughing with the boys around his desk as he held up his phone, the confused look on Adam's face had been the reason for Antonio's drawn out explanation of the hash tag.

"What are we looking at; idiots?" Erin would ask, approaching them with two drink carriers full of coffee because she'd be using the small gift as a way to soften up Hank before the conversation she was about to spring on him and for some reason she had been feeling generous towards the rest of the team as well. They could thank her environmentally conscience teacher boyfriend and his ideas about water conservation, who fortunately felt just as passionately about that cause as he did about making his girl orgasm because he'd found a way to combine them both this morning in a way that had put in her in an exceptionally good mood. She set the drink carrier down on Antonio's desk in front of them and raised her eyebrow expectantly.

They'd almost feel bad they'd been getting entertainment _sort o_ f at her expense when they saw the carrier of cups with their names written on them, _almost_. "Oh, well a kid from Eva's school was at Purple Pig with his family last night; played prep school paparazzi on you and your lover boy." He'd turn and angle the iPhone screen towards her and she'd take it out of his hands and into her own to study the picture of her and Jay, standing outside of the restaurant in the Valet line, his hand on her back as she stared rather adoringly up at him. They both had smiles on their faces; but since it was a photo taken in secret, it _wasn't_ exactly the highest quality image taken at the best possible angle. Her eyes would drift to the photo's caption.

 _Coach Halstead looking fine asf with his super hot girlfriend? #CoachHalSTUD #goals #weallwanttobegreendressgirl #sheishotasf2tho_

Reading those words would have her laughing out loud as she shook her head and rolled her eyes at them. How could she really be mad though? She'd leave the guys with a nod as they thanked her for the coffees and she'd walk up to Hank's office with the carrier than held a coffee for him and one for her as well.

"She brings gifts; must be begging for forgiveness. I know this trick all to well."

"Nah, haven't used that tactic in years!" She'd defend. "Just; in a good mood, wanted to treat everyone." That was halfway true; you had to give her that.

Hank would eye her suspiciously, "What has you so cheerful?" He'd inquire, playing along with her obvious game.

"Because I met someone, Hank. And he is a _really_ great guy. He's a teacher; actually… he's _the teacher_ , from the school shooting. And listen—I know what you're going to say, okay? But, you can't help who you love or how you meet them. Think of how you and Camille met… it was a suicide or something right?"

He'd been about to say something that she'd squash the validity of her mentioning of the off-color way in which he had and Camille's epic love story had first begun. To her surprise, and his own as well really, instead of coming back at her with reasons why this was stupid; he'd simply nod. "Well, then… good for you kid. You ever tell this guy you love him, that's the day I care to meet him. Before that; he's just some friend of yours to me." He'd add and then he'd nod dismissively at her and she'd rise to return to her desk, relatively unscathed by the exchange. "Erin," He'd call out just as she was about to walk out, causing her to turn. "Thanks for the coffee." He'd say, and she'd nod curtly, because she'd hoped he'd have stopped to tell her he was happy she was happy, but she guessed a 'good for you kid' would have to do.


	6. Chapter 6

_District 21, Intelligence_

She should've known that her request for time off would be met with resistance from her boss who had neither time nor patience for even considering the idea that things between her and Jay were not only real; but also exceptionally serious. Late night pillow talk had them tiptoeing around the idea of only needing one apartment when his lease expired in two months. Her head and her heart were, for the first time, on the same page. She wore her happiness like a crown these days and it seemed evident to the entire unit, with the exception of one member, of course.

Intelligence's fearless leader was _less_ than on board with Erin's newfound lease on life. As was his typical methodology, he'd taken absolutely no time to get to know or understand the details of this complex situation and had instead based his opinions of preconceived notions and ideas already existing in his own head, rather than gathering any actual facts or information before forming his opinion.

Hank had always felt that he'd known what was best for Erin and he'd stubbornly resigned himself to this fact again now as he refused to even consider that her relationship with Jay was both meaningful and legitimate. Instead; he saw it as a distraction, one he was more than happy to nip in the bud whether she'd asked for his advice on the matter or not. Because Hank Voight knew best, always; and he'd let _no one_ tell him otherwise. Not even Erin Lindsay, who'd had him wrapped around her finger for the better part of nearly two decades now.

He'd developed some sort of hero complex over the years though, one that made him feel like she had this debt to work off. That she owed him some part of her for all he'd done and it was something he'd never seemed to have a problem reminding her of or throwing in her face from time to time. If she'd ever really stopped to consider it, in some ways; he was no better than _Bunny_.

Due to all of this, he'd constantly leaned on her for support and as an accomplice to his various misgivings and questionable plots and practices. She'd show up _every_ time he'd ask her to. Regardless of what was being asked of her she'd resolve herself to do nothing less than her best, tucking her tail between her legs when she hadn't adhered perfectly to his every whim while vowing to do better next time.

It was then, when she was at her most weak, that he'd draw her in with an 'atta girl' that would keep her on the hook as it always did. It would be the constant that found her rising up to take it again next time, and every single time after that. It was what she'd been groomed and conditioned for her entire life. She'd put herself through that process with him, her mother, and countless others throughout her decorated personal history. She'd take it from all of them, time in and time out, because above _all_ else; Erin Lindsay craved love and validation. But now, for the first time in her _entire_ life, she'd found someone willing to give her both; yet expected nothing in return but the same reciprocation of devoted adoration.

She'd put in her time off request for those five days she was already dreaming of spending in that cabin with Jay two days ago and she usually heard back relatively quickly, but things between her and Hank had been tense at best lately. It was because of this that when she'd gotten in to work that morning, she'd asked Platt if she'd gotten her time off approved. The older woman had made a face and said; "Huh? That request was pulled by Hank yesterday. You've been detailed to undercover." When Erin's only reply had been a confused look Platt's expression had softened slightly but she'd still shrugged her shoulders and added, "You'll have to take it up with him."

Platt's words would send her trudging up the stairs to Intelligence where she'd walk too quickly into Hank's office to have time to get her emotions in check. "What's this bullshit about being detailed to UC?" She'd be indignant, her hands resting on her hips as she scowled at him. It wasn't lost on her that this all aligned to her asking for time off for the first time in forever. Hank had rolled his eyes and scoffed when she'd mentioned the trip and had made some snide remark about how she was wasting this poor sap's time. She'd never feel the need to explain or validate her feelings for Jay to anyone, but she couldn't deny that Hank, this person she loved more than anyone else up to the point where she'd fallen for Jay, had an almost almighty affect on her in a way that would have her doubting even the surest thing. "This supposed to keep me from Wisconsin?" She'd ask, her arms coming in front of her chest now, seemingly crossing there in order to protect her heart.

He did want to protect this girl at all costs, he had since the moment he'd first lain eyes on her dimpled face after he'd gotten her to smile finally after the shitty circumstance she'd found herself in that had prompted their first meeting. But, whether he knew it or not, he'd unknowingly used and abused her in many of the same ways Bunny had, even if his had been completely unintentional. But his love for Erin, strong as it was, was no match for his stubborn need to be heard, to be right, and to have his opinion held in the highest esteem. That stubbornness would have him taking a malevolent approach to the duration of their conversation. "You're very vain to think I put that much thought into this, Erin. We needed a female for the job; you're a female. Burgess is too green. We need to send someone into Brady; the girl's home, the assignment is to pose as a counselor. It's right up your alley. These girls are addicts, runaways, troubled in tortured ways Kim can't even fathom… I think you can relate to them a little better than a suburbanite and former flight attendant." There'd be some malice in the way he'd said those words that wouldn't go unnoticed by Erin.

He'd walk out of his office, effectively ending their conversation, and into the bull pen and she'd have no choice but to follow because he'd start to outline the details of the case. A girl from the home had been found dead and the medical examiner would say that she'd been deceased for at least thirteen hours, but somehow, she was marked present for the morning's head count. Erin would be going in as a counselor who would live at the home and work closely with some of the girl's who'd previously shared a dormitory with the deceased. The girl's body had contusions and sexual evidence would suggest she'd been prostituting herself. Hank wasn't exactly sure how long she'd be in there but she'd work to gather intelligence that could help them figure this all out and hopefully stop the trafficking of young women they feared Brady may have become a front for. Adam would pose as her boyfriend and he'd bring her lunch twice during the week to check in with her, get information, and give her any they'd come privy to on the outside.

She'd be fuming when the team briefing had ended and she'd escape outside to the stairs leading up to District 21 to call him with the disappointing news. "And, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone either…" She'd sighed.

There'd be no rage or anger at her from him, only disappoint that his plans to whisk her away would be slightly delayed. "Listen, Wisconsin can wait. I have the entire summer and the cabin is ours when we want it. You do your thing, babe. When we have time to get up there, we'll go, no rush."

She'd smile gently, appreciating his understanding. "You sure?" She'd ask, gnawing on her lip. "I'm sorry, you know."

"I am sure. And I know you are, but you really don't need to be. You're a bad ass, Erin. And you're really good at your job. You're going to have tough cases that require all your time more than just right now, I'm going to have to get used to it." And he wanted to get used to it; because it would mean he got to stick around.

"You are so sweet." She'd sigh meaningfully. "Thank you; for understanding. I have to go and get ready to get introduced in and I won't have my phone or any way to contact you for the next few days until this case gets solved or blows up. But… I…" The words would be tempting to say but not this was; saying them for the first time over the phone didn't seem right. "I'll miss you." She'd settle for instead.

"I'll miss you, too." He'd agree and the sadness would be evident in his voice. "I'll show you just how much when you get back." He'd add more deviously and her smile would grow.

"Oh, I'm counting on that."

That would be her last conversation with him for five days that should've been spent packing for and travelling to Wisconsin, but would instead find her investigating the head of the security team as well as several of the counselors she'd worked alongside in those days. The answers to the case would come to fruition on the night of the fifth day and Erin would find herself back at the district to fill out paperwork after the team had successfully come to Brady to close the case and pick up the three people, two women and one man, who were responsible for trafficking the girls out as prostitutes in exchange for favors and a cut of their money.

She'd been on an adrenaline high when she'd ridden back with Ruzek and Atwater and as soon as she'd gotten to her desk, she'd turned on her phone, which had been left there since she'd gone undercover, and she'd have just enough time to text him before Hank was summoning her into his office:

 _Hey, I'm back. Still some things to wrap up, but I NEED to see you tonight._

"You did good work on this, Lindsay." He'd start with a compliment but something about the way he leaned against the front of his desk with arms crossed, studying her let her know that she wasn't just asked in here to be lauded with praises for a job well done. "So did all this help put it in perspective?" He'd ask and there wouldn't even be a slight moment of recognition that passed o her face so he'd try again, "Did you get it out of your system?" He'd ask after a beat of silent they'd both stared sturdily at each other through.

"What out of my system?" She'd ask and she wasn't playing coy here, she really wasn't sure what he was trying to let on to.

"Traipsing of to Wisconsin for weekends away with some guy that… let's be real Erin this doesn't work out, okay. He's a nice, college educated guy who is going to lead a quiet life taking his kids to soccer games on Saturdays and camping trips in Indiana. He's going to want a wife who goes to PTA meetings and takes turns hosting family Christmas parties in the foyer of his townhome… that's not your life. That's never what you imagined for yourself." There he'd go; doing that thing where he decided he knew what was best for her or assuming he had even the slightest clue what she wanted for her future, or what Jay would want or expect from her for that matter.

"Hank—" She'd elect to use his name there in place of the choice words she was calling him in her mind. She'd ignore the rather stinging way he'd just described all of that. "Can you not comment on shit you have no idea about, please? And what is your hang up on this any way? You don't even know this guy. Is that that problem? Are you upset he didn't come up and ask your permission to court me in some antiquated show of misogynistic bullshit?"

"No, Erin. That isn't it at all. But; this is just another of your passing fancies. Another of the things you get yourself wrapped up in and…" His eyes would study hers with an almost wickedness. "You have this addictive personality Erin; you always have. You find a way to replace one addiction with another and this guy; playing house, pretending you're someone you aren't? It's just the latest manifestation of that. I don't mean to sound harsh, kid. But, you know I'm always going to tell it like it is. This guy had been distracting you from your job whether you think he has or not. I can't have detectives in this unit who aren't one hundred percent focused on their job one thousand percent of the time. If you're more interested in shacking up with him and taking days off at a time to go away with this person you barely even know to visit Wisconsin, then by all means, go. When you get back, we can see about reassigning you to a less demanding unit or maybe even back down to a uniform beat that will allow you time to doll yourself up for nights out at fancy restaurants and little jaunts to family cabins. There are a lot of men who promise pretty girls they can give them the moon; but very few of them can ever deliver. This guy; this…. life you think you are going to have with him? It's a fantasy."

Her mouth would hang open in disbelief and the fire in her eyes would threaten to burn down his entire office with them both still in it. "Are you _fucking_ serious right now?" She'd ask, her eyes narrowing in a way that would actually cause Hank to shift uncomfortably. In fact, he'd rise from where he'd been leaned in front of her and walk towards the door which he'd promptly open and clear his throat to let her know he was done with privacy and if she didn't want a lot of her dirty laundry aired out, she should keep her mouth shut. Her voice was louder than it should be when she stood up. "So what? You think you can control my personal life now too?" She'd scoff and shake her head at him.

"I'm looking out for you, Erin. Doing what's best like I always have. You have worked hard to get where you are. Lots of police officers with more experience under their belts are still killing themselves to get assigned to a unit like this. I'm just trying to put it into perspective for you." He'd offer, not backing down on his stance even remotely despite the emotional response he'd elicited from her.

She didn't say anything else, just looked at him with another heart stopping glare before she was storming out of his office, grabbing her shit from her desk and bolting out of there.

Hank's words would be in her head as she drove out of the parking lot and she wouldn't even pretend that she was going to go anywhere but _his_ place when she'd found herself peeling out of there. She'd take the long way there though, because she wanted enough time to analyze and process exactly what came next. As she sat at a stop sign on a relatively abandoned street she'd find herself lost in the swarm of thoughts and feelings Hank's confrontation had left her with. Even though she'd had so much conviction against assigning validity to his harsh words when she'd been stood there in front of him when his office had felt more suffocating and smaller than usual, uncertainty still found her now. Was Jay her latest addiction? The newest thing she'd found to let consume her? Was it selfish of her to let him fall more and more in love with her each day when she knew there was some truth to Hank's sentiments about the things he'd want for himself that she might never be able to give him? They echoed her own doubts, the ones she'd expressed to Jay at the very start of all this.

She wasn't even sure when she'd started driving again but she'd know she had because she'd find herself pulling in front of his place and she'd made up her mind how this would play out. There was no world where she could quit this man cold turkey, ever. She'd already been without him for a week and she'd ached in all kinds of ways over it; but none of that pain was felt more strongly than the one in her heart. Regardless of this, she'd bring herself up the stairs and she'd plan to tell him they could have tonight—she wouldn't deny either of them that pleasure; she'd never have had the resolve to any way. But, after that; they'd need to cool things off.

That idea would send her up the stairs before she lost her nerve and she'd rap rather impatiently on his door to beg entrance, lest she find her resolve gone given any more time for quiet reflection over it.

 _Jay Halstead's Apartment_

It wouldn't be the time that did her in, though. It would be his soft smile as he opened the door and the way his hands had come to her face to pull her in for a hungry kiss without so much as a hello that she'd faintly recall hearing just before his lips had crashed against hers. He'd shower her with kisses and she wouldn't find it in her to stop them. His hands roamed appreciatively over her body, and each place his hands left would be tingling in the absence of his touch. "I missed you so much beautiful." His words would finally come and they'd fall against her neck as he hugged her against him tightly. She'd take a deep breath and a quiet observation of everything; the smells from the kitchen, the sound of whatever Indie rock band he was playing on that vintage 8-track record player of his that he still bought for and played all his new music on. He'd sworn to her that music just sounded more _pure_ when it was played from a record.

Tears would threaten in her eyes because she knew what she was about to say would completely damper the extremely tender and incredibly sweet moment they'd just shared. But before she'd find the words to do that, he'd speak again, drawing himself away from her to look at her. "I… hope you're hungry because I cooked us dinner. It should be done in…." He leaned back to look at the timer above the stove. "Fifteen minutes? It's lasagna… my mom's recipe!" Those final words would have him beaming proudly down at her.

That would be what undid her resolve completely and she was done pretending that she could keep him at arm's length or that he didn't matter a thousand times more than her Unit right now despite how much she loved her job, partner, and teammates. He was… _everything._ "I…." She wasn't sure what she'd intended to say when she started to speak but one look at those beautiful blue eyes and she'd know exactly what she wanted to have him hear. "I am so _completely_ in love with you." She'd whisper, her confession born from a pure and vulnerable honesty.

Erin Lindsay didn't need a man to get her the moon. All she needed was the 8-track player, the facts about Victorian flower languages, the tender kisses, the cooking of his mom's lasagna. Scratch that, _he_ was all she needed.

Jay's whole face would be aglow with the way her eyes had caused his own to light up and he'd close the space between them once again and pull her in for the most tender, slow, purposeful kiss ever exchanged by any two people it seemed. He'd break it only when he realized he'd yet to reciprocate those words that he'd been longing to say since the very second he'd laid eyes on her it seemed now. "I love you too," He'd drawn himself away while keeping his hands on her so he could look her in the eye to deliver those words which he'd add one final affirmation to, " _Completely_."

They'd both find themselves lost in kisses that seemed to be making up for the lost time of those five days apart. Her jacket would hit the floor with a thud and she'd will her shirt to follow suit; his hands would help it off and their lips would find each other again with insatiable need as they found themselves bumping clumsily into furniture and walls as they couldn't be bothered to part from one another to more easily move this to the bedroom. She'd be halfway out of her pants when the timer would go off interruptedly and he'd tug those jeans down anyway and trail his fingers over newly exposed skin with promises of to be continued. "Get comfy, take a shower whatever you need, I'll fix us plates" He'd say, stealing a couple more kisses before disappearing to the kitchen to make sure his lasagna wouldn't be ruined.

She couldn't bare the thought of ruining this night he'd so thoughtfully put together so she'd keep the looming thoughts at bay as she let her bra become another lost item on the floor and she'd replace it with one of his t-shirts and that would be all she wore. She'd slip into the bathroom but opt to skip the shower; hoping they'd end up in there together after dinner. But, she'd splash some water on her face, tie her hair up, and then come back out to find him with plates fixed waiting for her on his couch. "Red or white?" He'd ask, brandishing a bottle of wine in each hand.

"Red, I think." She'd say after a moment and he'd nod in agreement and disappear to get the wine opener and she'd stop him before he'd made it back and capture him in another kiss. "I missed you so much," She'd whisper and those words would make her ache because part of her still thought maybe this would be their last night together for awhile, because Hank Voight was stubborn and her job was all she'd had before that fateful day when she'd found _him_.

He'd pour them each a glass and she'd pretty much die at the taste of that lasagna that he'd fed her the first bite of and his tongue would peak out to lick the drip of sauce from the spot on her chin where a drop had unintentionally dripped. The simple act would curl her toes and catch her breath. She was over the moon for this man; forget him giving it to her, she wanted to be the one who gave it to him.

Conversation would be easy as they ate; she'd hang on every word of his stories that would break off into tangents about the history of random parts of his tales and she'd be enraptured by every one of them. Half that bottle of wine would be gone before their meal was finished and her cheeks would tint pink from the consumption of it as well as the lust she felt. She'd be less than coy about her intentions when she rose from the couch, pulled the shirt she'd borrowed over her head to remove it so that she was left standing there in just a pair of panties, and said quite bluntly. "You promised to show me how much you missed me when I got back."

"That I did," His voice would turn husky as he rose from the couch as well and he'd grab her around the waist and tug her against him in a way that would make her shiver. "I'm going to spend _hours_ showing you." He'd promise with a low growl and his lips would find hers in a way that would have them stumbling around his apartment once again until they'd decide that the hallway would do just fine and they'd acquaint themselves with the wall there twice before dragging themselves to bed for _real_ lovemaking.

"I love you so much," She'd whisper as she grabbed handfuls of bed sheets when he'd made her hips arch and toes curl for a third time. His lips would find hers and he'd taste a salty wetness on them that told him she'd been crying.

"Baby, what is it, are you okay?" He'd ask, suddenly full of concern.

"More than alright… I've just never… _made love_ like this." She'd confess and she'd find more tears in her eyes as she gripped his shoulders. "Don't stop," She'd add quietly, her lips finding his again. He wouldn't stop; not until a lot more time had passed and they were both numb from the amount of times they'd found the sweetest release and more 'I love yous' would be whispered throughout that night and into the morning.

He'd hear the shower later in the morning after they'd found hours of sleep and he'd figure it was her getting ready for work so, he'd roll over to look at his phone before joining her and be shocked to see it was nine in the morning. "Erin!" He'd pull back the world map shower curtain she was hidden behind and she'd turn and face him with a smirk.

"I was hoping you'd join me," She'd say, before he could get anything else out and she'd bite her lip with a seductive playfulness.

 _Holy fuck_ , he'd shutter slightly at how ridiculously hot she looked naked, dripping wet, biting her lip in that way that drove him crazy. "No, babe… it's nine, you're late for work!"

"I'm actually not, I…. I'm fired? Or, to be honest I don't really know." She'd shrug so nonchalantly about the fact that she'd just shared that he'd be distracted from staring blatantly at her wet body.

"What? What do you mean? Why didn't you say anything last night?" His voice would be laced with much more panic and worry over this than hers had been and it was a fact he'd find rather troubling, it was actually quite eerie just how calm she seemed.

She'd shrug again with the same nonchalance, "It's…" She'd look thoughtfully at him but abandon the sentence she'd been about to start because, she didn't really want to talk about it honestly. "We can totally go to Wisconsin now!" She'd smile brightly, more than happy to change the subject and completely ignore the topic of conversation that was most certainly causing her more anxiety than she was letting on right now. "Now get in here," This time, she'd be making a demand, not a request, and her hand would come out past where he'd drawn back the curtain and she'd grab the waistband of his pajama pants which wouldn't put up much of a fight as she tugged them down.

He'd let her rid him of his clothing because his resolve had weakened with each second he'd watched that water drip and fall from her Adonic body and he'd climb in with her and she'd waste no time finding his lips. She'd trail nips and kisses down to his neck and shoulder and once she'd freed up his lips he'd try to bring their earlier topic of avoided conversation back up again. "Baby, can you please tell me what is going on with work?" The gentleness he'd spoken those words with would both frustrate her and make her feel warm everywhere all at once.

She'd let out a very frustrated grunt as she stopped trailing kisses and playful bites across his the wet landscape of his bared chest, and her eyes would narrow slightly as she stepped back and surveyed him. If he was going to press this issue during a time he could be bending her over in this shower, she knew he wasn't going to let it go. "Hank… he got really out of line last night. He basically said I had to choose between staying in the unit and being in a relationship."

Jay's eyes would narrow this time, "I'm pretty sure he can't do that."

"Oh, he can do whatever he wants, he's Hank Voight." She'd shrug and she'd think that was enough of an explanation so she'd continue her hungry pursuit of him and her hands would move back to where they'd been poised previously to complete the trail down his chest but his own strong pair ofhands would stop them at his waist before they'd made it to their intended destination.

"You… can't just give up your job for me, babe. I love you too much to let this happen." He'd remark softly and she couldn't help but feel her own features mollify as he continued. "Maybe you can talk to him and help him see that he's being ridiculous…" He couldn't, in good faith, let her sink down on her knees in front of him in the shower right now when there was so much obvious turmoil surrounding her now. Staying committed to his pursuit of this truth should be considered no small feat.

"There's no talking to him, listen, I know you want to fix this but…. honestly it's for the best. Half the cops at my district think I only got the job in intelligence because Hank's my dad. A huge portion of the others seem think it's because I fucked him. And then maybe there's actually like one outlying percent that know and understand I earned my spot there because I'm damn good police. It could be time for me to branch out…. his loss. He asked me to make a choice and I did; I choose you."

"But it shouldn't be a choice, baby. You can have both; he's being unreasonable. Would he do this to any of the men in your unit? I mean… seems like he is overstepping a lot of bounds with you given your personal history."

She'd suddenly wish she weren't standing there naked. In order to allay some of the vulnerability of this she'd actually set to work on the reason she'd gotten in this shower. He'd purchased her shampoo and stocked his shower with it by the third time she'd stayed the night here. He'd taken note of the brand of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash she used when he'd stayed with her and used her shower. Going out of his way to have it here for her use was just one of the many innumerable thoughtful things he just seemed to do without even thinking, those things that had made her fall so hard so fast about him.

This reminder would bring her some ease as she massaged the shampoo into her scalp. Closing her eyes would give her more confidence to be vulnerable. "Hank… he pulled me out of some really bad shit when I was fifteen. I've already told you about some of the stuff with my mom," She'd remind him of more of those late night pillow talks that had always inevitably led to whispered confessions she'd never shared with anyone else. "He and his wife took me in and they raised me like their own after that. They got my in to a good private school and paid for it…. he is the only reason I even got that badge that had us meeting, Jay. I owe him my life, I do, and I'll spend forever trying to repay him for saving it." And she would, because she'd felt indebted to him for years now. She'd done all she could to prove that the chance he'd taken on her was worth it, but the stubborn old man had never been great at offering her that validation she'd always craved. "But, I guess, some time between leaving the district last night winding up at your door, I realized that there was no point in him saving my life those years ago if I wasn't going to live it the way I wanted to afterwards…"

 _District 21_

She'd ask Jay to come with her for moral support because after their deep conversation in the shower had faded into another round of lovemaking she was more than secure in the decision she'd made. If Hank wanted her to choose, she would. She _had_. Hear heart had made the decision for her, really. And she was more than contented with that fact. She'd also maybe brought him as a show of defiance towards Hank, but that was just a fraction of all of this in the grand scheme of it. So, she'd punch in her numbers for what she supposed would be the last time and hoped the team might be at lunch when she showed up but, alas, they were all sitting around the bullpen at their various desks and she'd find they would all stop working at look up at her, most of them with sad expressions.

Adam would approach her instantly. "Er, babe… what the fuck is going on?" He'd ask, accosting her at the top of the steps. He'd nod in acknowledgment of Jay, "Hey, brother." He'd add before shifting his attention back to the petite brunette.

"You heard him yesterday, the door was open. He wants me to choose; I made my choice."

Adam would study Jay tepidly and then place his arm on Erin's bicep to draw her closer. "Babe… come on. Don't throw this all away, cool it with lover boy for a week or two and this all blows over."

"Don't call me that again," She'd warn after letting his misuse of a nickname she'd only want Jay calling her from now on. "And no; sorry that's not how it works. I'm not entertaining his temper tantrum this time." She'd say matter-of-factly, turning to grasp Jay's hand in her own and lead him to her desk. They'd both silently work on gathering her things and her back would be to Hank's office when he'd appear in the doorway. She'd quickly become aware of his presence because of the eerie silence that befell the room suddenly.

"So, that's how you're going to play this?" The signature gravel would seem to boom even louder in the starkly quiet room.

Erin would stiffen a moment, exhale a shallow breath, offer Jay a slight smirk and then; sass would take over and she'd whip around to stare down the man who, for so many years, had been a person she'd admired but who she'd watch fade into someone else entirely in the past few years. "You're the only one playing games here, Hank. I'm just trying to live my life."

The older man would shift his attention from her to him; deciding the stranger might be an easier target because he hadn't expected Erin to come in with this much fight in her and the easiest way to weaken her resolve was to cut him down first. "So, this why you took the bullet for her? So she'd feel some sort of obligation to her knight in shining armor?"

There would be no fear or hesitation from Jay as Hank had expected. Instead, he'd respond immediately with strength and conviction. "Sir, with all do respect, only one of us saved this woman and has ever made her feel like she owed them anything for it." This boldness would drop the jaws of Burges, Ruzek and Atwater, who were already watching this unfold intently. Antonio had risen from his desk and moved closer as the scene had started to unfold, deciding to bide his time and see how Jay handled himself, but ready to step in for his partner in an instant if it were necessary.

Hank would laugh at the unanticipated balls on this guy, "I don't know what sort of sob story she'd painted this all out to be for you but, I picked this girl up when she was a teenaged junkie and wanna be prostitute. If it wasn't for me, she'd dead before 21 the path she put herself on, she'll tell you that herself, won't you Erin."

Jay wouldn't have the time to waste on letting Erin respond. He'd handle this himself right the fuck now, Hank Voight had nothing to laud over him to make him hold back, so he wouldn't. Even so, he'd address the man with revered respect at first; "Well sir, that's something I'd have to shake your hand for if this was another time, because I must say I am eternally grateful for anything you did that brought her here today, I will give you all the credit in the world for that. But, she doesn't owe you. She never did." He'd gain some traction there and feel inspired to tap into his own personal experience to drive his point home. "You see I'm a teacher, I work with kids _all_ the time that are;" He'd borrow Hank's description of Erin rather poignantly. "Teenaged junkie prostitutes. Drug addicts. Kids whose parents blow all their money on booze and leave none for new shoes, or breakfast, or field trips to art museums. So, I step up. And I get them those things. I buy them the shirt for the class trip to St. Louis. I keep a loaf of bread in my cabinets with peanut butter and jelly in constant supply for hungry kids whose lunch balances are left unpaid. Maybe that isn't a house to live in and tuition to a private school, but it still makes a difference." He'd take a defiant step closer to Hank now, to show him that he wasn't going to waiver on this, not even for a second. "And when I give these things to those kids; I make sure to make one thing crystal clear to them; they don't owe me anything for it. Because, way I see it at least, when you help someone you do it because you care and you want to save them, even in some small way. You don't do it do have them indebted to you. You do it because it's right, because it's what they deserve. Because you're a decent human being." There was fire in his eyes now. "So she doesn't owe you. She doesn't need to keep working to pay off this invisible debt that never should've existed in the first place. She paid her debt, man. By living for fifteen years with a woman who treated her like shit. Who let her become a teenaged junkie and put her in a position she needed saving from. That was her paying her dues. She owes you _nothing_." He'd repeated that sentiment one final time to punctuate the end of his diatribe.

They'd all be taken aback by the speech that had come from this relative stranger who, in that instant, would win almost all of them over immediately. Kim's eyes had even welled with tears and she'd drawn her hands up to swipe them away before Hank might have a chance to see them. Both Ruzek and Atwater wold find themselves gathering their jaws from the floor. Antonio would stare at him with an unmistakable pride. Al, who'd stayed hidden through most of the exchange, would have a smile playing on his lips that he'd turn away to avoid Hank seeing.

No one would be more floored by all that had just unfolded than Erin, who would have her own mouth agape now at the strength of his articulation of all the things she wished so badly she could say to Hank herself but never had the courage to. She'd love Jay even more now, because he'd been forceful yet respectful. He'd defended her honor. He'd validated her in a way no one else ever had. She wasn't sure she'd ever find the words or even a physical expression of the gratitude she felt for him.

Hank would stare into Jay's eyes, his own beady ones boring into the taller man's gorgeous baby blues. But Jay would pass his test; there would be no hesitation or backing down, no averting his eyes in discomfort. His own gaze would be unwavering as he kept the man's eye contact. "Okay." Hank would say finally. "Okay, the undercover job earned you the personals you asked for. Resubmit the request to Platt. We'll see you in five days, when you get back."

Something about the way Hank's eyes cast towards her green ones now would communicate so much to Erin. The look he gave her would show her so many things, amongst them was that he knew Jay was right and he'd been humbled by his dead accuracy. He'd nod at her and she'd give him her own in return because the way his lips had tugged slightly at the corners had told her that he _knew_ things with Jay were more real than he'd given credence to before. It was his unspoken approval and acknowledgement of their love. The moment between them would be brief and almost as quickly as it'd started, it would end because he'd disappear into his office and close the door.

Erin would turn back to Jay and find tears in her own eyes and she didn't care where she was, she'd lean up and kiss him deeply, because _holy fuck_ , frankly in confronting and standing up to Hank, he'd just done the equivalent of staring down the barrel of an AK-47 and he'd lived to tell the tale.

She'd abandon the box of things they'd been collecting in the middle of her desk. She'd unload it when she got back, right now, she was getting out of there and on her way to Wisconsin before Hank had come to his senses and stopped reeling from the metaphorical bitch slap Jay had just bestowed upon him in his own bull pen, in front of his entire team. Considering _all_ of this would prompt her to press another kiss to his lips before she was lacing their fingers and saying, "Let's get out of here."

Antonio would stop them at the stairs and extend his hand to Jay for a handshake. "Respect man, that was…" He'd nod and give the younger man a look of reverence. "You're a good man, you keep proving that every time the chance comes to do so. Respect." He'd say again and he'd pull Jay in with their handshake and clasp him on the shoulder in what could only be described as bro hug.

Adam would join them and lighten the mood, "I mean, I kind of want to fuck you after all that so… you might want to get her home like, twenty minutes ago." He'd wink at them and Erin wouldn't blush this time, but she would roll her eyes. Adam was kind of right though; she had big plans to show him all sorts of appreciation and gratitude. Watching him stand up to Hank was invigorating and adrenaline pumping and she was planning to ride more than just the high from endorphins tonight.

"I love you even more now," She'd whispered into his ear when she'd leaned him up against his car, her lips finding his again. "Thank you… that was so… beautiful and…" Each trailing of her words would be due to the kisses she'd pressed to his lips. "I just, I'll never forget what you said."

"I'll show up for you, any time you need me." He'd promise. "And I love you, so damn much. Now get in this car and let me take you home. We have love to make and bags to pack because we're going to Wisconsin tonight and I'm spending the next five days showing you just how much I love every single part of you."


	7. Chapter 7

_Jay Halstead's Apartment_

Manitowish Waters, Wisconsin was roughly a six-hour drive from Chicago. They'd leave the district just before noon and swing by his place for him to pack a bag. The process would be one of precision. All of his clothes seemed to have a proper place in a proper drawer and the rest of his belongings had their homes as well. It would take him less than twenty minutes to get his carry-on size suitcase from the top of the closet and pack it with the essentials he'd need for five days away. He'd just moved in to the bathroom to collect some items from the shower when she appeared in the doorway and leaned against the frame. "I'm pretty sure the way you phrased it back at the district was that we had love to make; _then_ packing to do."

"There was, but _someone_ fell asleep…" He pointed out, turning back towards her, he'd lean his arm on the space above her head and lean in for a kiss. When they'd arrived home to his place, he'd sent her to the bed for the intended purpose of using it for anything but sleep while he grabbed some water for them but as soon as he'd come back he'd found her curled up, her face snuggled into the pillow. It occurred to him that between five days of undercover work and a night spent without any sleep courtesy of his insatiable need for her last night had turned into maybe three hours of shut eye that morning. So, he'd let her sleep, tuck a blanket gently around her, and kiss her temple with a soft hum, because she was his and sex could wait when you were looking at forever.

"You should've woken me!" She protested, her hand coming to rest gently on his chest.

"Well, I have five days to have my way with you, at a cabin with very few neighbors, _so_ …" He grinned down at her and found his lips moving against hers softly again. "And; if we can leave by 1:30, we should get there before eight and we'll have plenty of time to settle in and…" He'd raise his eyebrows emphatically and she'd more than catch his drift.

He'd finish gathering his things and they'd head to her place to do the same and find the process there would not be nearly as quick and orderly.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

It wasn't really that her place was messy so much that it was _cluttered_ like her mind. In fact, she swore if things were in their rightful places, she'd probably have a harder time finding them. "Well, it's kind of hard to pack when I have no idea what we're even going to be doing. All I know about Wisconsin is…. cheese, and don't get me wrong I will show up just for that _but_ …" She giggled gently.

"Lay down, I'll pack for you." He offered, grinning gently as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He'd press a lazy trail of kisses to her neck and it would make her eyes close as she relaxed against him. "I figure we'll spend a considerable amount of time in the cabin," He'd raise his eye brows suggestively once he'd turned her around to face him, their arms wrapped contently around one another. "Sundays they do Music in the Park … you'll want a dress or something for that. A bathing suit or two, clothes for hiking and/or boating. Maybe some white water rafting, if you're feeling adventurous. "

"Ooh, sounds very fancy." She'd giggled and she'd steal a few kisses from him before grabbing some clothing items that would be suited to the activities he'd mentioned.

"It does get cold at night, but, I'll keep you warm." He'd promise suggestively.

"Counting on it." She'd retort and she'd let herself be distracted by another series of kisses before forcing herself to focus on packing.

They'd only be about fifteen minutes behind the schedule he'd created for them and soon enough they were loading her two bags into his trunk and he was opening the passenger's side door for her to get in.

"I'm really glad we're doing this. You're going to love it up there. It's one of my most favorite places and… I'm excited to share it with my favorite person." He'd not even bother saying 'one of 'in front favorite because it was without dispute or even a close second place that she held that title. In fact, she was, without a doubt, his most favorite person of all time.

"Is that what you tell all the girls you bring up there with you?" She'd ask with a giggle but she'd press her chest against his sensually in spite of herself.

A smile would grow on his lips at that question, "Hardly," He'd begin, his hand coming up to cup her face. "You're the _only_ girl I've ever even wanted to share it with." He'd promise and then his lips would meet hers at her own prompting and she was smitten all over again.

"So, I've taken the time to cultivate the perfect playlist for this road trip." He'd note as he'd slid into the driver's side moments later and plugged his phone in to the aux cord. He'd make a few taps on his phone screen and then indie music like they'd listened to the night before would flood the car. The music was soft and thoughtful and he kept it at a low volume at first as not to impede conversation; which had turned into more of a question and answer session, really, just after they'd merged on the highway that they'd spent a majority of their destination north on.

"Okay, favorite…." She'd trail off as she turned her gaze thoughtfully upwards. "Beer."

"Sierra Nevada, Pale Ale. You ever tried it? If not, we're remedying that this weekend." He'd note and look at her expectantly.

"I have not… I can't lie it all pretty much tastes the same to me." She'd shrug.

"Don't…. _don't_ say that, craft beer is an art form." He'd be overly dismayed with that remark and then they'd both dissolve into giggles. Minutes later he'd collect himself enough to ask his own question. "Okay. I have a good one, dig deep though. Favorite childhood memory."

She'd frown slightly, because there weren't really many to choose from. It would be a thought he should've considered given the parts of her history she'd shared thus far, but it had been asked innocently enough. "You know, I used to get asked that question a lot growing up. But it was just phrased as what's your favorite memory back then, because I was still a kid when they'd asked; social workers, teachers, guidance counselors." She shrugged. "I used to always say that my favorite childhood memory was a hot summer day, I was about five years old and it was sometime around the Fourth of July because I distinctly remembered watermelon and this American flag bathing suit and leaning over to drink out of the hose in our backyard," She'd smile thoughtfully to herself as her hands played with each other in her lap.

"Seems like a really nice memory," He'd comment, but she'd shake her head because she wasn't finished yet.

"When I was like, 17… I was at a friend's house and we walked past her living room and her mom was watching this movie; I really should've asked for the title. It had a little girl, probably five years old wearing this American flag bathing suit, drinking out of a hose with one hand, and holding watermelon in the other." She'd take a deep breath before continuing, because this was something she'd never shared out loud before. "I don't think I ever realized it was just a fake memory I'd taken from a movie until that moment but then I thought about the fact we never had a back yard or a hose to drink from. And my mother wasn't exactly the "slice up some watermelon and take the kids out back for some wholesome fun" type. I think, I just wanted her to be so badly that I just pretended that memory was mine. And at some point; I actually convinced myself it was real." The question would evoke a deeper response than he'd intended it to but he was happy it had because if felt like just another of the millions of things he wanted to learn about her that he wasn't sure he'd get the chance to.

"That's heavy." He'd say, reaching for her hand, which he'd squeeze gently. "I wish I knew what to say other then, I'm sorry and that's not even close to enough—"

"You know, it's strange." She'd interrupt him because her story hadn't been told with the intention of making him feel sorry or uncomfortable but she feared it had done both and putting a prompt end to his babbling was best for everyone. "All those things you said to Hank; that you do for kids? It floored me. You, you really don't have any idea what that means to them, I promise you. You couldn't know. I would've been one of those kids who needed you. And you're probably the only reason a lot of them even show up at school. Your gigantic, selfless heart is astounding and I… I have to admit, Jay. I was terrified of how fast and hard I fell for you but your heart is just so fucking… _beautiful._ " She'd shrug, her cheeks slightly red with embarrassment at her very real confession and he'd cast his eyes over to hers with a giant grin playing on his lips. "Okay, whatever I don't have quite the way with words that you do. But, the sentiment is there."

"What? That was… gorgeously worded if you ask me." He'd wear a smile on his lips both from her compliment but also because coming from her, those words would mean more than anything. "I am probably the most humbled I've ever felt in my entire life to be honest." His hand found her thigh and squeezed it gently as he drove down the highway. "Don't get me started on the things about you that are beautiful or, I'll talk to rest of this trip." He'd added, his fingers trailing towards the inside of her leg where they'd come to rest for the next while.

That deep exchange would put their question and answer game on hold and he'd turn the volume up on the speakers so the music would fill the easy silence. His hand would stay on her leg, his thumb tracing circles, sometimes interrupted by his hand gliding up and down in gentle, soothing motions. She'd last only thirty minutes before his calming presence, soft music choices, and the pitter-patter of fresh rain against the windows had lulled her to sleep once again. He'd take more then a few long glances at her peaceful, beautiful sleeping face trying to wrap his mind about what he'd done to deserve these moments of quiet, driving to his most favorite place with this, the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on, by his side.

He'd face a moment of longing where he'd wish his mom could meet her; hear her raspy voice fade into a laugh at a joke they'd share at his expense. He could picture the woman embracing her with loving open arms and making a remark about how adorable her dimples were before even really saying hello. The illusion would fade as his eyes came blurry with tears he hadn't even felt well up in them but he'd blink them away quickly before they'd have a chance to fall.

Hank's threats after she'd gotten back to the district from her undercover assignment had really messed up her entire process of decompressing from all she'd seen, heard, and done while at Brady. Over those five days she'd be forced to face realities she hadn't even realized she wasn't ready for when she'd look at so many of these girls and see so many pieces of herself in them. She'd spent almost all four of her nights at Brady without sleep; partially because the nature of the case and all the weight riding on her successfully figuring things out, but also; she'd realize, because she'd become so used to having him there with her to fall asleep next to, it had already become impossible to do without him. Perhaps that was why she'd found sleep so easily again there in the front seat with his warm palm pressed lovingly to her thigh, the scent of him wafting comfortingly off of his strong shoulders. She needed rest; that was for sure. Four days going nonstop had her more than running on empty; especially considering that she'd poured nearly every remaining ounce of her energy into facing Hank today.

She'd awaken as the car came to a stop and her eyes would blink a few times before opening. "Hey, sorry babe. Just stopped for some gas. You want a snack?"

"Sorry," She'd apologize, her hands coming to rub at her eyes and convince herself she was more awake. "I didn't mean to fall asleep on you, where are we?"

He'd answer with time because he new geographically she'd have no clue where they were even if he told her. "About two hours out." He'd nod, turning off the car. "Come on, we can stretch our legs a little."

She'd yawn and stretch her arms above her head before attempting to get out of the car and as such, he'd be at her door opening it for her before she'd gotten the chance to do it herself. His hand would extend to her and she'd take it with a grateful smile and use it to pull herself from her seat. Once out of the vehicle, he'd pull her against him and capture her lips in a series of kisses. "I love you," He reminded her, and the words she'd heard many times now would feel like the first time still; and her dimples would beam as she slipped her hand into his and they walked in together.

"You are not eating that!" His words may have been dripping with sweetness outside but as she picked up the tongs in front of the rotating rack of hot dogs, she'd actually laugh out loud at the look of horror on his face.

"What? I'm hungry!" Her giggle would continue but she'd abandon the tongs and survey the display of donuts instead. "Better?" She'd ask, licking her lips as her eyes travelled between rows of sweet treats.

"I will never understand how you can eat the way you do and still look like that," He'd smirk and take a moment to work his eyes over her body, lingering on his favorite parts and then taking a step towards her. "I mean, I'm not complaining, but you should definitely donate your body to science. You know, for the good of humanity."

Her hand would slide into his back pocket as she abandoned the rack of probably day old donuts. "You still gonna love me when my metabolism quits and the donuts catch up to me?"

"I will _always_ love you, no matter what." His eyes would narrow in disbelief and his lips would pucker slightly, as if it were an obvious fact by now without being spoken. The small gesture would grow a smile on her lips again and she'd bite her lip as her cheeks flushed and her other hand came thoughtfully to rest on its home on his chest. Lifting herself onto her tiptoes, she'd lean in and kiss him lightly.

"You have this way of…." She'd shake her head as she stared adoringly at him, swallowing the thickness in her throat that had stolen the words from her mouth as she just surveyed him in almost disbelief because she was more than positive she'd done nothing to deserve him. He was the only man who could make the snack aisle of a gas station in small town Wisconsin feel like the base of the Eiffel tour just after sunset.

"Leaving you speechless?" His grin would make her knees weak and she'd find herself leaning against him because of it.

"Making me melt into a puddle of goo with just, the simplest of phrases or looks… it, it's kind of troubling actually. Really cramps my whole 'bad ass tough girl cop' thing I had going on." Erin's wink and grin would produce another laugh and she'd force herself off of him to move past the case of donuts that had previously stricken her fancy, feeling a sudden urgency to get back on the road and to that cabin because he had said far too many incredible things in the last several hours and she was more than looking forward to the silent ways she could communicate her own love to him when they had a bed to fall into.

They'd select far too much junk food, driven mostly by her indecision, and when they reemerged they'd find the light rain and developed into a storm that would soak them both even as they ran the couple hundred feet to where he'd parked the car at a gas pump.

Once they were back on the road she'd turn her body slightly to angle it towards him, eager to continue their game of questions from before because she was suddenly consumed by a need to find out any detail she could about him. "So, you've never taken a girl to the cabin but, you ever take any fun couples trips anywhere?" She was usually so blunt, she could've gotten away with asking him outright to spill the details of his previous relationships and he'd have done it gladly, because as she was about to find out; there was nothing to tell.

"I… don't know that I'd say I've really been a part of a couple before. I…" He bit his lip. "This is going to sound bad;" He kind of smirked at her. "Let's just say, I haven't ever been much of a relationship guy."

This fact would delight her, actually. But she'd feel the urge to pry further as she smirked over at him. "How many hearts you broken, Mr. Halstead?" She asked her tongue peaking out briefly to wet her bottom lip.

"Not that mean, truly. But, in my defense I am always upfront with the women I sleep with but, what can I say, they taste the milk, they want to buy the cow." He'd wink at her and she'd roll her eyes but smile and laugh with amusement of her own.

"I believe it." She'd admit finally, because damn if she didn't have sympathy for those women because she knew what it was like to be with him now and if he'd thought she'd spoiled him for other women; he had no idea how impossible he'd made the idea of ever being with anyone else seem to her. "So does that mean you've never been in love?" She'd ask a more emboldened question this time, because; why not, right?

"Oh, well. I didn't say that." His face would grow serious and it would cause her smile to falter. "I've actually been married before."

This confession would absolutely drop her jaw and widen her eyes but even in spite her clear reaction of complete shock, she tried to keep her voice even as her heart thumped against her chest when he turned to look at her.

It had been meant as a playful joke but the response he'd elicited from her was completely unintended, he'd keep up the rouse though and with a straight face he'd add, almost remorsefully; "I should have told you, but it was so long ago."

She'd swallow hard and try to find the best phrasing for the next question she had for him. "I mean… care to elaborate, that's kind of;" She suck in a breath as she decided what to say next. " _Big_."

He'd have to fight to keep his expression neutral through the next part of his confession. "Well, her name was Margo Evans and she was… wow, she was gorgeous. I was the envy of all the boys in our kindergarten class when she chose me! We had the wedding during recess and the reception that followed had all of the classy favorites; juice boxes, chocolate chip cookies, and the bride's favorite, cheese crackers." She'd started to smirk once she'd caught on but she'd be shaking her head by the time he finished. He was _such_ a shit.

A laugh would still accompany her words. "You are _such_ a smart ass." Her eyes would roll but she couldn't help but feel both endeared and entertained by his charade.

"You love it." He'd grin and lean over to rest his hand on her thigh once again.

"Yeah, maybe. But… you really put a damper on all those wonderfully sweet and romantic things you said that were making me think how I was going to thank you for later…" She'd trail off and raise her eyebrows suggestively at him.

"You haven't heard anything yet, sweetheart." He'd wink and that would be a promise of more to come because there were so many beautiful things he could say to her and he'd deliver one for each piece of clothing he'd remove from her body later that night.

The last two hours of their trip would pass slowly, probably because of all the tension and anticipation that had built between them over the course of the day. They'd hit construction on a road twenty minutes away from the cabin that would make their wait even more painful and they'd pull off at a small diner to eat dinner. She'd insist they order breakfast because what else was practical to get at a diner in the almost middle of no where? They'd share pancakes and sit on the same side of the booth, their need for closeness still unquenchable. Finally; just after eight thirty, they'd pull up the long drive to the cabin he'd described so much, yet so little about.

 _Halstead Family Cabin_

It was already dark so she wouldn't get the full effect of it but as they made their way down the gravel lined path she'd roll down her window and let in the still damp air so she could get a better view the place she knew he held so dearly in his heart.

The wood paneled sides were dark and stained by age and weather giving it character and a clear mark of history. She'd imagine the boys she'd seen in that picture on his bookshelf what seemed like so long ago now, though it really hadn't been. She could picture them running up this path and up the stairs that she'd soon find herself going up as he carried their bags and moved in front of her to set them down and unlock the door. "Welcome," He'd begin, grabbing the luggage once more. "My happy place before it became you." The corner of his mouth would twitch into a half smile as he stepped back to allow her in first.

She'd be immediately stricken by the three floors to ceiling windows that adorned the back wall of the cabin's living room. Currently, you could see the seemingly millions of stars that shone so clearly in the night sky around Frog Lake, even if the view of them was slightly obscured by water droplets that clung there as souvenirs of earlier evening rainfall.

He'd drop their bags by the door after closing it and take her hand to lead her around the place for the grand tour. They'd start in the living room that had giant furniture that looked cozy and inviting. Next, they would find themselves entering the massive open kitchen where he'd promise to cook for her. They'd move swiftly through the two guest bedrooms, each decorated with their own kitschy, homey touches, until they found themselves walking into the master.

He'd pull back the heavy wooden door to reveal the rustic décor. "My grandfather made pretty much every piece in this room." He'd observe, kissing her temple and then abandoning her there to go retrieve their bags. He'd return just as a boom of thunder shook the cabin's frame and with that loud crash the skies would open up again and rain would slam hard against the windows. "Well, there goes my plan for using the fire pit and taking this tour outdoors." He'd frown, but move closer to her, drawing her in to kiss her softly. "But, those windows are epic for watching a storm." He'd note and his hand would move to hers as though his plan were to take her out there.

"Let me change and then I'll meet you out there?" She'd tilt her head to the side in question and he'd nod carefully, kissing her once more before he left her alone there.

She'd intended to change into something comfy but then _other_ thoughts would enter her mind and ten minutes later she'd emerge with three buttons done on a flannel that belong to him that would hide the incredibly sexy black lingerie she wore underneath.

The rain and thunder would've been soundtrack enough but he'd put on some soft music and the melodious beats would bring a lightness to her steps as she traipsed down the hallway. Another boom of thunder, this time accompanied by a crack of lighting that would light up magnificently through the massive windows, would announce her arrival and he'd take one look at her in the checkered red and black plaid fabric he'd recognize instantly at his own and any space that had existed between them moments before would cease to be there seconds later as crossed the room and met her there in the middle.

"You look…" Again he'd find her leaving him at a loss for articulate diction. "Stunning." He'd choose finally, but then more adjectives would come. "Adorable, sexy, perfect, did I say sexy yet? It bares repeating." His smile would grow and even though he wanted to devour her lips almost instantly, he'd instead move away from her and grab two short crystalline glasses and hand her one. "90 year old whiskey." His eyes would light up in a way she'd come to know would signify he was going to regale her with history but this time, she'd be happy to see it was a personal history he was compelled to share. "Halstead cabin tradition." He'd add, clinking his glass against hers. "Sip, not shoot." He'd add as he drew the crystal towards his lips and did just that. "My grandfather was a whiskey man. The neighbors down the street, the man fell off the rough one summer patching it up. Broke his back pretty bad. Grandpa went up there every night and finished it for them. So, they gave him this whiskey. We're talking pre-prohibition era, that's like… unheard of. It had been in their family for a while but neither of them were big drinkers. Anytime they'd had gramps over, he'd talk about how amazing it must be. So, they gave it to him as a than you for fixing that roof. He made everyone take shots, when they came at the start of summer, said it was a new Halstead family tradition. He'd let us use the cabin any time we wanted, but once we were of age, we'd have to drink some of that whiskey. After he died," He'd clear his throat. "It felt even more important to make sure we did it."

The liquid and that story would warm her instantly and she'd smile at him over the rim of her glass thoughtfully, appreciating that little lesson in Halstead history. "I love that story." The softness in her voice would make his heart sink slightly. She'd forget his rule about sipping and taking a giant drink for her second gulp and it would sting much more then the first one and she'd feel an almost instant tingle afterwards. "You trying to get my drunk, Mr. Halstead, so you can have your way with me?" She'd lick her lips to indicate she'd have no problem if that were the case.

He'd take a long sip and then study her carefully again before dropping the newly emptied glass onto the table. "Well there, Detective Lindsay," His hands would come to the first of three buttons that kept her hidden from him. "I think we both know," The first button would be undone and he'd look into her eyes as he made fast work of the second one as well. "That I can have my way with you _any_ time I want." And with that he'd need only one hand to free that last button as the other had already moved to her shoulders to guide the flannel fabric off of them. As soon as the shirt had started to slide off of her arms, his lips had found hers with an immense passion. His hands would finish ridding her of the shirt completely and then rise to her rib cage and then lower back before his hands began to wander freely, exploring every bit of her. "Admit it." He'd demand, his teeth tugging lightly at her bottom lip.

"Any time, any where…" The words of her confession were nearly breathless and she'd decide that was enough talking and her lips would find his again. He'd lay her on the couch and lean back to take off his shirt before coming down over her. The windows and rain would cast shadows on his newly bared back as he set to work kissing every single bit of her.

"You are more than beautiful," He'd whisper against her chest after he'd unclasped and ceremoniously taken off her bra, her back arching up off the blanket covered couch towards him.

He'd take his time with her tonight; almost too painstakingly if you asked her. But it was _her_ and she was _here_ with him and it was all just so perfect he had to get himself to memorize every single detail because it was the only way he could be sure this was real. "You're all I'll ever need," It was so raw; that realization. This man, his strong freckled arms, they were her reason for living now of that she was sure. At some point in the past two weeks she was pretty sure she'd come to believe not just in the concept of love at first sight, but of soul mates, destiny, and fate. He was all of those to her. It was terrifying and wonderful and honestly the kind of thing that should've sent her running for the hills but it would only push her deeper into his arms, into the ardent kisses he pressed against her skin intimately until his lips had decided her hip bones could use extra attention.

Every part of her would ache for him by the time he was rid of all his clothes and she of hers but her patience would be gone by then so she'd wriggle out from under him to crawl on top in one fell movement that would turn him onto his back. His hands would come to steady her hips as they did most of the work and they'd climb up her back when he'd move to sit up and create more closeness between them. She'd finish once but his need for her was still effervescent.

He'd roll her over onto her back again as he continued his pursuit of connecting their souls completely and she'd finish again just as he did this time and his lips would crash down against hers as the moment came to fruition. The kiss was so passionate as they came but it would tapper off slowly and the passion would be communicated differently.

Their legs were still tangled together and their breath was shallow as those slow, sweet kisses said all the other unspoken things between them making love was meant to communicate. His hands would brush her bangs from her face and then his thumb would trace her bottom lip back and forth a few times as he studied her face. "You are…" He wouldn't be able to finish without tasting her lips again so he'd kiss her in that same slow, painstaking way that made her heart stop and beat faster all at once. "The piece of me that's always been missing. I feel…" He would be overcome with emotion that would threaten tears again. "I just never want to let you go." He'd whisper and her own eyes would meet his in a surge of emotion she'd find a water in them too as she kissed him once again.

"I don't ever want you to." She'd confess, her hands coming up to his face now, it would be her thumb's turn to trace a pattern; this time along the line of his jaw bone. "Damn you for being my _everything_." She'd whisper with a grin and his eyes would find hers before he responded.

"Damn you," He'd begin. "For being my _only_ thing."


	8. Chapter 8

_The Cabin_

Sunlight would pour in through those three massive windows far too early for either of them. They'd fallen asleep in the throws of love on that massive couch and as the rays of light crept over the horizon and in through paneled glass, Jay had pulled her lazily against him, whispered something into her hair and then risen to pick her up and carry her to the master bedroom, where curtains would allow them both to cuddle into one another and find themselves lulled back to sleep in the darkened room.

His summertime scruff would brush against her cheek about an hour later when he slipped out of bed to set to work on the plan he'd had since last night. The grocery store was only about ten miles away and it would take him no time to return with food for breakfast, the fixings for the dinner he had planned for later, and an array of snacks and items they could turn into lunch; all things he knew she'd be more than excited to devour upon finding.

She'd feel so cozy wrapped up in the down blanket that covered the large wooden framed bed, finally catching up on that much needed sleep she so desperately required making up for. When she'd at last opened her eyes, she'd stretch her arms above her head and take in the faint sound of music coming mutedly through the wooden door that enclosed her in the room. Still naked from last night's romp which had lasted late into the night, she grabbed a pair of panties and thieved another of his shirts before padding across the floor and walking out of the room. As she crossed the living room, the starkness of the sun's rays would blind her and she'd draw her hand up to shield her eyes from the penetrating light.

When her hand came down as she entered the kitchen area, she'd find him turned around facing the stove, humming along to a song she vaguely recognized from the playlist he'd so carefully put together for their drive up here. Her nose would scrunch slightly as she took in the smells of the bacon, toast, and eggs he was preparing. A smile would grow on her face at the simplicity of all this; but still the absolute perfection as well. She'd never have pictured herself; lost somewhere geographically she'd never be able to point out to you on a map, completely and totally enamored by the most beautiful man she'd ever seen and not just on the outside. The thought would find her staring at him in silence until he turned around to place a plate on the counter island behind him and they'd catch each other's eyes with a shared smile. "Looks like you've been busy," She'd remark, with pronounced rasp typical for early morning conversation, descending farther into the kitchen.

"Morning, I was planning to bring this to you in bed.' He'd admit with a slight disappointment, his hands grasping for her waist to draw her in for the type of kiss he'd never have his fill of.

"That would make you _too_ perfect, I wouldn't be able to handle it." She'd smirk, rising up on her toes to kiss him deeply once more. "Good morning, by the way." She'd add almost as an after thought. "Good night as well, am I right?" She'd raise her eyebrows with a suggestiveness that would be matched by that smirk she wore.

" _Great_ night." He'd agree with his own amendment, amused acknowledgment of just how wonderful it had been evident in his smile. "As much as I regret these words coming out of my mouth, you might want to put on pants; there are a pair of Adirondack chairs down out back that have a great view of the lake, I thought we'd sit out their and eat breakfast?"

Her heart eyes would grow even bigger and she'd steal a few more kisses whilst his hands each took moments to caress and appreciate the bareness of her thighs before she'd take her leave back to the bedroom to cover them up with leggings and meet him outside where a breakfast tray sat between the two red painted chairs on the lawn that faced the quiet, calm lake.

The trees that surrounded it were unlike any she'd seen around the place she'd grown up. The fresh smell of nature all around them would tickle her nose with the sweet mix of black spruce and wild flowers. Now that it was daylight, she'd take a moment to survey the serenity of this place he'd so generously shared with her. Her eyes would cast back to the cabin that she'd appreciate now in all its glory and recall the story he'd told her on the way up about how his great grandfather had built it so many years ago from the ground up and how various family members through the years had changed and modified it with upgrades, but always left the main structure as it originally was.

"This place is something else." She'd express all those thoughts she'd had walking up to him in one sentence and curl her legs underneath her as she sat in the remaining unoccupied wooden chair. It was early enough to still feel cool, especially given the slight breeze coming off the water so she'd greatly appreciate his thoughtfulness in draping a blanket over the back of the chair for her. She'd take it, place it over her lap, and then pick up the plate he'd prepared for her, ignoring the fork also laid out for her there in favor of using her fingers as she picked up a piece of perfectly crispy bacon.

"Isn't it?" He'd smile to himself first as he looked out over the still waters that were surprisingly calm given the slight wind that was tussling her hair now, he'd find that when he drew his eyes to her. "Beautiful views everywhere I look." He'd grin at her then and they'd eat their breakfast in a silent reverence both for one another and of this placid escape he'd brought them too.

When her fork was scraping against an empty plate she'd set it back on the tray table and take a long sip of the orange juice he'd also brought out for her. "So how close are the nearest neighbors?" She'd ask, breaking the peaceful silence that sat between them previous to the words spilling from her puffy lips.

"Not too far, not too close." He'd shrug noncommittally, "Not always here either so, hard to tell." He'd be about to ask why when he noticed her kicking off the sandals she'd been wearing and then shifting around under the blanket currently strewn across her legs and when she rose from the chair he'd see the leggings she'd been wearing flop down to the emerald green grass next to her feet as she kept that checkered blanket wrapped around her waist and made her way over to him. He'd be impressed with the gracefulness in which she kept that blanket around her lower half as she came to sit in his lap.

"Have to make the most of all those beautiful views." She'd smirk before her lips found his and her hands would trail lazily down his t-shirt clad chest to rest on the button of his jeans, which she'd undo without protest from him. His hands would tuck under the hem of the shirt of his she adorned now and climb over the warm softness of her skin as the kissed slowly and longingly before passion would overtake them both right there in that oversized wooden chair, that gentle breeze tickling her skin as he removed the shirt she wore and let it fall to rest next to her leggings.

"I think I've found the most beautiful view of all," He'd say, his eyes scanning over every inch of her, drawing the blanket up to her shoulders, but keeping it open in the front so he could take her all in; as she moved down onto his lap in the ultimate seduction. He was quite sure these chairs had never seen action quite like this but he hoped it wasn't the last time because this was his new favorite memory and he wanted to relive it as many times as possible while they were here.

"That was one for the books." He'd comment once they'd returned to the interior of the cabin and she was walking out from the bedroom after showering and changing. "You are impossibly sexy. It's almost unfair. How I'm supposed to function around you is beyond me."

"You seem to hold your own." Her grin would say more even than those words had as she found her hand coming to slide into the back pocket of the jeans she'd helped him out of earlier. "So, what's on the docket for today?" She'd ask, her other hand coming under his shirt to trace against his abs in a shameless show of her very significant and equally as obvious attraction to him.

"I thought we could pack a lunch and some snacks? There's a trail head at near the river that loops up around Frog Lake; has some pretty nice vantage points and views of the lake, if you'd be interested?" He proposed, hoping she'd agree because he was relatively sure she'd seen nothing like this before and he wanted to show as much of it to her as he could, in hopes it would draw her back with him again as often as she'd allow.

"Sounds amazing!" She'd agree, even if she wasn't much an experienced hiker, she was down for any adventure; especially if it involved this strong, handsome man who she was sure could convince her to try anything at least once.

 _Manitowish River and Frog Lake Hiking Trails_

Frog Lake was 42-acres of water set amongst the backdrop of undisturbed wilderness, in the dry-mesic forest lowland that boarded the Manitowish River. An array of trees would dot the trail they took from the Manitowish River trail head where they started their journey, some similar to the ones they'd seen that morning, other new unfamiliar types that he'd give her a short history lesson on, of course.

She'd never have guessed in a million years that she'd be so charmed by a history buff, regaling her with tales about birch trees and their historical significance as she stumbled through a forest in nowhere Wisconsin. Yet, here she was, hanging on his every word and stealing kisses every so often because she couldn't stand his adorableness long enough to last even one story without her tongue dancing around against his. He'd press her to trees and stumps along that path to interrupt his own stories and as such, the short hike would take much longer than expected, when he'd bestow kisses of his own against her. Though he'd done this hike many times, this had fast become the only trip he'd ever bothering remembering.

They'd come to a campsite halfway through their two mile hike from the river's basin to the lake's shores and they'd stop to sit at a picnic table and share the sandwiches and fruit they'd prepared together before leaving. "This doesn't even feel real right now," She had to voice that thought because she still wasn't convinced it was. Maybe she'd been shot that day at the school and this was all some strange coma induced fantasy world she was currently living in. If that were the case; she'd be content to never wake up.

The lush, bright green foliage surrounding them seemed straight out of a movie. She'd be distracted from taking it all in when he was tugging her off the bench of the picnic table and into his lap, where both of them seemed pretty convinced was where she truly belonged. "It better be real." He'd grin, capturing her lips in the sweetest kisses. "It has to be. Loving you is the most real thing I've ever known…" The beauty of his words would match the scenes around them and she'd let herself loop her arms around his shoulders, lean her forehead to his, and sigh contently at how right this all felt.

The scenery would prove even more picturesque the farther they went and they'd stop to take panoramic shots of the views and snap a few photos of one another; mostly him of her – absolutely captivated by the way she still managed to be the most beautiful thing around for miles. They'd take a few photos together and it would be her who suggested an obligatory kissing in front of the water photo because; why the fuck not, right? She was allowed to be obscenely, embarrassingly happy up here and no one could take that away from her.

The way back would find a resumption of their unfinished game of questions from the car ride up. She'd trail slightly behind him as they retraced their steps back to the trail head where they'd began the day's adventure hours before now. "Hmm," She'd say as she considered her turn. "Favorite…." She'd pause thoughtfully but keep walking. "Nickname someone has given you? My personal favorite is Halstud." She'd notate.

He'd smirk even though a faint blush tinted his cheeks. "Ah, I see you found the kid's stupid anonymous instagram? You've been upgraded from the girl in the green dress. Seems a certain detective's daughter has played informant to the masses."

Erin would shake her head as he fingered Eva for the crime of giving up her identity. "Eh, there are worse things than being named as your girl, I guess." She'd joke, bumping her hip to his playfully. "You know I have some really _great_ photos of you I think the students would go crazy for." She'd tease, her hand coming up to catch his briefly as her fingers tapped against his palm.

"You wouldn't dare!" He'd say as more of a warning than a request.

"Never, those are for my eyes only." She'd say deviously and he'd wonder exactly what photos she was talking about, but he wouldn't get a chance to ask because she'd continue talking. "Actually, I take the nickname question back. I want to know more about your students. I know you've told me a lot of stories but… I can't get enough." She'd confess earnestly.

"Hmm," He'd say thoughtfully, taking a sip from the Nalgene water bottle he'd just detached from the carabineer on his backpack. "You want happy, funny? What?" He'd ask, tapping into the seemingly endless font of stories he had stored up from the myriad of kids that had undoubtedly captured his heart over the last few years almost as quickly as she'd done recently, just in a different way.

"Surprise me!" She'd say, unable to decide, taking the water bottle to enjoy a long sip that would find her having to double her steps to catch back up to him as he started to speak after a long contemplative pause.

"Okay, I got a good one, actually, a little different from my usual high school student stories you always here. During my time at University, I had to do a few different internships at varying grade levels. My second of the three would find me taking over a fourth grade classroom for a semester. It was, a… _learning experience_ to say the least. Let's just say, high school kids and I seem to have a slightly better understanding of each other. But, it was cool, don't get me wrong, a lot of sweet kids in that class. But it was in inner city Chicago, we're talking this is an elementary school with metal detectors at every entrance ways and weekly sweeps with police dogs for drugs and guns." He'd nod to himself at the memory that would come back to him so clearly now. "Anyway, one day in early April, one of the girl's comes in with cupcakes for her birthday. Pretty common thing in classrooms around the states, but, not necessarily at a school like this. Normally this would send the kids over the moon, you know? And it does. Except for one. You see it was another kid's birthday too, this little boy named Kadarian. Cutest kid ever. Biggest smile you've ever seen." The nine-year-old boys sweet face, complete with messy rows of braids and chubby cheeks would flash into his mind. "So all the kids are jazzed for cupcakes, except for him. You see, he's sad because Carla has cupcakes for everyone to celebrate _her_ birthday and as I'd come to find out, he was sort of jealous and embarrassed that he didn't have anything for the other kids to celebrate his birthday too. He looks up at me, all tearful, right? And he says; it's okay Mr. Halstead, I think my moms still might come for lunch and bring something for the class." Jay would lick his lips before continuing. "He and I both knew that wasn't true but, I couldn't bring myself to crush his dreams. Then he goes, or I don't know, maybe there's some birthday angel out there who knows I just want to impress my friends."

Erin would realize, as tears unwittingly sprung in her eyes, that she should've made a request for a happy story. "That's so…."

But he'd interrupt her, "Wait, that isn't the end!" He'd promise and she'd swallow hard to keep the tears from falling as she waited with great anticipation. "So of course on my lunch break I have to leave and get the kid some damn cookies because, I'm telling you Erin. This smile of his; it could melt even the stoniest heart." They'd both smile as he recalled that sweet smiling face and she imagined what it must look like to have such an effect on him. "So, I put them on his desk with a note that says:

 _To Kadarian,_

 _Happy Birthday, buddy!_

 _Love,_

 _The Birthday Angel._

So, when we came in from recess, he finds the cookies and the note and he had the _biggest_ smile I'd ever seen him wear and he comes running up and says; 'Mr. Halstead, I knew there was angels out there.'" He'd smile broadly at that part of the memory and his own eyes would rim with redness. "I can't even pretend that I didn't cry about that later that night. But it wasn't until the end of the semester when I'm telling the kids goodbye and getting ready to head into summer semester, he comes up to give me a hug and he says; I know the birthday angel was you. I swear to god Erin, I hugged that boy and cried with no shame."

She'd stop him in the middle of the trail and demand the full attention of his lips; kissing him with gratitude for being the man he was. "You…you are just…" She shook her head as she leaned her forehead against his chin. "The sweetest man of all time." She'd crown him then, finding his lips. "I am so fucking in love with you." She'd whisper the words into his lips and seal them inside by closing her own around his.

 _The Cabin_

They would end up at home shortly thereafter, exhausted from the day's adventure and find themselves in a shower together that would get much _dirtier_ before getting them clean. But, that story about the birthday angel had made her insane with lust and love for him that she'd show him on her knees before they'd gotten into the shower.

"You're always so careful with me," She'd whisper under the rainfall showerhead as it cascaded over them as they stood there, wrapped up together in a heated kiss. "Not this time," She'd say in a low growl. "I want…" But she wouldn't have to finish because the rough way in which he'd picked her up and pushed her against the back wall would communicate he knew what she wanted and he'd have no problem fulfilling those wishes, even when they remained unspoken as they did now.

"Alright so, I got steaks for us to grill along with some potatoes and asparagus, but I'm wrapping the last part in bacon so you'll actually try it." He'd say before her eyes could narrow in protest at the mention of the green stalked vegetable.

She'd laugh at just how well he already knew her. "You spoil me." She'd note, moving into the kitchen where he was gathering the supplies he'd just mentioned. "Then we can reenact that scene from this morning with those chairs when we pull them around the fire pit. Although something tells me that given the choice between s'mores and sex, I'll be disappointed with your selection."

"Give me s'mores _during_ sex and I might just marry you." She'd laugh innocently enough but her eyes would find a seriousness in his that would come to be mirrored by her own.

"That's all it'll take?" He'd ask coyly.

"Probably much less," She'd admit shyly, her lips coming to find his if only to hide the blush that tinted her cheeks. What had she just admitted? She needed to get a hold on herself and on this situation before she was getting so wrapped up in the beauty of their surroundings that she did or said something else to put her foot into her mouth. "You can't mention cooking me a steak and then stall." She'd admonish, changing the subject before the awkwardness she felt could seep out of her and onto him.

The next days of their Wisconsin escape would be similar to the first one they'd spent relaxing in nature and finding time to fully enjoy one another's company. The second day would find them canoeing one day and laying out in the sun while he read a book on a topic he was doing a lecture on later that month and she flipped through some mindless magazine she'd picked up on one of their jaunts into town. They'd be perfectly lazy, relaxed days, filled with incredible sex and intimate conversation that would leave them feeling like another month had passed between them by the time they came to Sunday night. The love between them felt almost tangible by the end of the week and she was quite sure an electric shock was emitted every time he'd trail his fingers over her collar or jawbones.

 _Koller Park, Manitowish Waters, Wisconsin_

He'd told her to bring a dress and she'd gone with a billowy blue maxi one that flowed comfortably all the way down to her feet. She'd let her wavy, sun kissed by the last few days hair hang simply around her face effortlessly for the night. The dress that came in attractively at her waist to accentuate the curves there would be loose everywhere else and would flow easily as they walked hand in hand with a blanket tucked under his free arm to find a spot in front of the stage at Koller Park which boasted it small Music in the Park festival every Sunday from late May to early October. "My mom used to sing at these a lot. She and my grandpa, before he passed. He'd play guitar and she'd sing; she had this really gorgeous voice that sounded like it came straight out of a nineteen forties lounge, wrapped in velvet." He'd recall the memories fondly.

"She sounds amazing." Erin would comment. "I wish I could've heard her sing. But more than that, I wish I'd have met her, I bet I would've loved her."

"She'd have adored you." He would promise, kissing her forehead as they found a place to spread the quilt they'd brought and he'd take out the bottle of wine and two glasses they'd carried in for the night's affair and set to pouring them each a glass of the deep red liquid made in barrels from a vineyard attached to a cranberry bog not too far from this town. The rich flavors would tantalize her palate at the first sip of bitter cranberry infused wine that brought instant warmth to her cheeks and belly.

Not too long thereafter, the sounds of piano, guitar, bass, drums, and harmonica would wrap around them as they sat perched on that blanket, her leaning against him. "This is nice," She'd say with eyes closed, propped against his chest with his arms hung loosely around her.

An Avett Brother's song she vaguely recognized from his plethoric record collection would fill her ears and in a very uncharacteristic move, she'd ask him the next question. "Dance with me." She'd smirk, nodding towards the small cluster of mostly older couples just a few feet off to their left who'd designed their own makeshift dance floor between some trees.

He'd smile, she wouldn't need to make this request twice, that was for sure. He'd rise first and then offer his hand to her, pulling her up as he led her over to the mock dance floor; the sounds of one of his favorite songs from his favorite bands surrounded them peacefully. Somewhere after the second verse he'd started to hum against her temple and by the time it came to his favorite part, the lyrics would fall in the sweetest sing-song from his lips.

" _I wish I was a sweater wrapped around your hips  
And when it got too cold into me you'd slip_

 _And when the sun came back you would hang me up  
And I would watch you while you undress"_

His forehead would lean against hers as the lyrics spilled out and then he'd draw her against him as tightly as possible while they swayed through the rest of the song. It was _that_ exact moment that he knew, beyond any doubt, that she was _made_ for him and he for her.

As the song swelled, he'd find his hand in hers, using it to spin her around once before drawing her to him again as it came to a close. "I love you, _only thing_." He'd whisper against her hair, his arm slung around her shoulders as they padded back to the blanket to lay and take in the rest the night would offer after dancing their way through a few more songs.

"I love you, _everything."_ She'd said in reply and their lips would find each other once again with a loving ardency.

*** Author's Note; I'm sorry I haven't taken the time earlier to thank you ALL for your amazing reviews. I am much better about reaching out on tumblr (shamelessly plugging for you to follow me there whichtochoose) but I cannot say enough how much I love hearing your reviews and seeing your reactions, even to small seemingly minute details. THANK YOU. I can't put it into words enough just how happy it really does make me.

A quick note that as much as I wish I did, I don't own the The Avett Brother's, their music, or the lyrics to their incredible song "I Wish I Was" from their _True Sadness_ album which you should totally give a listen to!


	9. Chapter 9

_Jay Halstead's Apartment_

Heading back to Chicago would be harder than anticipated. They'd spend way too much time making memories in that chair again after breakfast before dragging themselves out to the car with their belongings to start the six our return trip. It would be filled once again with questions and answers; I love yous, the humming of songs, and the sounds of laughter. It would be the last reminiscence of peaceful time together before being shoved back into reality.

They'd gone to her place upon returning since she'd have to go to work the next morning, but she'd get a call around 3 AM that the team had caught a case and needed all hands on deck. Despite getting home and asleep after midnight, she'd exhaustedly drug herself out of bed, kissed him a few times, got dressed, and drove to the address Hank had texted to her after hanging up to meet the team at a home about twenty five minutes from her place.

A quintuple homicide was a hell of way to get back into the thick of things as far as working in Intelligence went. She'd actually feel a little guilty at the way this had her adrenaline pumping, despite the fact she was fully aware how terrible it was. After collecting witness statements, gathering as much information as they could from the home, she and Antonio would be tasked will following up on a lead they received from some neighbors who'd said they could confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that they'd seen the ex-boyfriend of one of the victims, five months pregnant Savannah North, fleeing the house via her bedroom window sometime after 1:45.

David Wurnos, 27-years-old, was no saint. He had a criminal history more decorated than a Christmas tree and as they read more and more into his file, Erin was beyond convinced that this piece of shit was more than capable of the brutal murder of his pregnant nineteen year old ex-girlfriend and the rest of her family; including her younger twin brothers who were only 13.

This was the kind of case that really got under Erin's skin and the next three days she'd spend working around the clock with Antonio, tracking down Wurnos would take up a majority of her time. She'd find herself falling into bed alone two of those nights because she hadn't even gotten home until well after three or four in the morning and she'd been far too tired to do anything other than crash out on her bed as soon as she got home. Even when her intention had been to shower and head to his place, she'd find herself falling asleep on the couch still in her work clothes.

The third day, after following up on dead leads for most of the day; Hank would actually send her home early because she looked so exhausted, she was barely eating, and she'd lost it on a witness in interrogation in a way that should've been reserved for the cage. She'd protested but he'd been firm and the way Antonio had looked at her let her know she'd gone too far, so home she'd gone. Well, to _his_ home, at least.

She was so comfortable now that she hadn't even bothered to knock and she'd find him mid-work out, in front of his TV doing some sort of weight training routine when she walked in. He'd be slightly startled by the sounds of the door and her kicking off her boots, but as soon as he realized it was _her_ who'd made those noises, he'd paused the video, set down the thirty-five pound dumb bells he'd been curling, and a smile had grown on his face. "Babe! I wasn't expecting you." In spite of being incredibly sweaty he'd still cross over to her and lean down to kiss her.

"Sorry… I should've called or knocked, probably." She'd blush slightly. "I got sent home from work." She'd sigh somewhat dejectedly. "I guess I was a little too high strung or something," Her eyes would roll but he'd take into account the dark circles under them and the light shake to her hand as it hung by her side.

"No sorry, best mid-afternoon surprise in awhile. You look so tired. Go lay down! I've only got like twenty minutes left on this workout and then I'll fix you something for a late lunch." He'd volunteer, wiping his sweaty palm off on the front of his shirt before lifting it to cup her face gently.

"You don't need to fix me lunch!" She'd giggle gently and lean in to kiss him. "But I am totally raiding your fridge because I honestly don't know when I've last eaten anything that didn't come from a package in a vending machine. I don't know what you've done to me, Jay, but I've been craving fruit!"

"I just cut some pineapple this morning!" He'd grin and steal another kiss from her. "Get some food, go lay down, I'll come and give you sweaty hugs and kisses when I finish up." He'd grin easily, pressing a kiss to the side of her face before she left towards the kitchen to get the pineapple he'd suggested. Even if had only been two and a half days since he'd seen her, he'd add; "I missed you, babe." She'd kiss him and whisper her own reiteration of his words.

She'd enjoy nearly half of the container of pineapple he'd so painstakingly cut that morning before abandoning it on the nightstand in favor of heavy eyelids. She'd awake to the sound of the shower and after looking at the clock she'd deduce he must've only just finished his work out. Why hadn't he come to give her sweaty hugs and kisses as he'd promised? That question would drag her still too tired body out of his bed and towards his bathroom. "I got no kisses or hugs, Halstead." She'd warn, pulling her shirt over her head as he pulled back the curtain.

"You needed to sleep, babe." He'd say, though he couldn't help but smile as he watched her undress with the clear intention of joining him.

"I also need to shower, don't know that I've done that in the past three days either, if I'm being honest." Erin's smirk would grow as she shed her last article of clothing and he stepped aside to let her in and then her lips had found his ardently while his hands crawled down her shoulders and back to rest at her hips. "I've missed you." She sighed, her own hands coming to caress over the now dripping wet skin of his strong chest. "Besides, I can think of something I _really_ need that only _you_ can give me that will help me get the most placid and relaxing sleep I could imagine…" She'd trail off and the grin on his face would tell her he knew what she'd meant.

He'd give her exactly what she wanted in that shower, with his very adept fingers and then he'd do it again with his tongue after he'd carried her from the bathroom and laid her down on the bed. "Holy _fuck_ …" She'd moaned at the end of the second, very intense orgasm, that would have him pressing two more kisses to each of her inner thighs before pulling himself up to lie next to her and pull her flush against his chest until she'd found peaceful rest there, muttering something about how the last two nights had been unbearable without him in her bed.

When she woke up an hour later she was feeling slightly more refreshed and vaguely more human than she had been that morning. It was well after lunchtime yet too far before dinner, but she'd find the dull ache of hunger in her stomach nonetheless. As was pretty much customary now, she'd thieved one of his t-shirts, slid her panties back on, and padded out to the living room where she'd expected to find him but a quick tour of his place would find it empty. She'd been about to ravage the rest of the pineapple when she'd heard the door open and she'd rise from the couch to find him slipping out of his shoes with a bag of what she instantly could tell was a burger from her favorite place and some other things in his arms as well. "Babe!" He'd greet her with a smile and extend the bag of food towards her. "Needed to get a few things, thought you'd love me even more if I brought you a cheeseburger."

"I do love you more, you were right." She'd smirk, taking the bag and then offering to help with the other things he'd been carrying but he'd refuse and send her to the couch with a swat on her butt and a promise he'd join her momentarily. "Do you need a minute alone?" He'd smirk, a small laugh accompanying his words as he approached her and observed the moment she was clearly having as she enjoyed the burger.

"It's so fucking good." She'd groan, taking another big bite to punctuate that point. While she ate he'd tell her how the last three lazy days had gone for him and she'd find herself extremely jealous she didn't have summers off to spend doing nothing with him.

It wasn't long before she'd had her fill of the food he'd brought and they were nestled together on the couch. "So. I… have something for you." He'd begin that sentence almost timidly, reaching into the pocket of his pants to withdraw something that was small enough to remain hidden in the palm of his hand yet still peak her curiosity.

"Oh? What is it?" She'd demand impatiently.

"I'm getting there!" He'd insist, turning his body so it was angled more in her direction. "The last two nights just felt… strange." He'd shrug. "I want you to be able to come here whenever you want." He'd hover his hand over her own, indicating that she should open it and then he'd drop a single key into the awaiting space. "I'm only going to live here another month, but… I don't care if it's four in the morning and you're just getting in I want you to know—"

She did know; but this just made it slightly more official and she'd close her hand so the key was safely inside before leaning forward to interrupt him with a kiss. "Babe… thank you." She'd whisper against his lips, leaning herself into him as she did so. She knew her crazy schedule would make things difficult on them, she'd seen many cops in strong marriages lose everything to the job. "We should get you one for my place…" She'd nod, moving to kiss him again. Maybe in a month, she'd feel more confident to say that she hoped he'd move in with her when his lease was up.

 _Harbor Point Estate Mobile Home Park, Chicago_

They'd finally get a good tip on David Wurnos two mornings later; exceedingly early, before the sun was even up. He'd been spotted with an old high school friend of his in a mobile home in the Harbor Point Estate trailer park. Someone in the neighborhood had tipped off the crime hotline after hearing there was a reward being offered for information about his whereabouts.

The back part of the property housed some abandoned mobile homes and Erin, Antonio, and Adam would chase Wurnos all the way to those abandoned lots until he'd successfully ducked behind a rather dilapidated looking home and they'd lose sight of him for a moment. Antonio would signal for her to move in and as she turned the corner she'd feel a blunt force come into contact with her chest that would send her reeling backwards, even as her trusty Kevlar had absorbed most of the transferred energy. Three steps back would turn into a stumble and her feet were out from under her in an instant and her head was foggy from the instant sear of pain that permeated through her ribs on the right side as she gasped for breath that had seemingly been knocked out of her.

Wurnos had used the distraction of their staggering partner to try and run but Adam would be consumed by rage as he tore off after the man who had limited space to go anyway, as he'd soon meet a fence. He wouldn't even have a chance to see if he could've made it over because Adam was tackling him to the ground well before he'd made it there; adrenaline increasing his speed more than usual.

Antonio would be on his knees next to her his hand on the front of her vest.. "You okay, partner?" He'd ask even though it was obviously she wasn't _okay_ but they both knew that wasn't what he meant. She'd still be trying to coach herself to breath but with clenched teeth she'd nod her head to let him know whatever it was it wasn't _that_ bad. He'd call for an ambo anyway and he'd insist she keep her vest on until the professionals had a chance to look at her and decide if that was smart or not.

Every breath she took would feel sharp and painful and she knew what that might indicate but she'd try to remain optimistic in spite of knowing that the fucker had probably cracked one of her ribs to have her feeling like this. Adam and Antonio would know it must've really hurt because she'd only protested a little when they'd formed a barrier in front of her and told her she had to ride in the ambulance to get an x-ray at Med even after she'd insisted she didn't think any of her ribs had been broken. "I barely felt it," She'd grossly undersell her pain. "What did he even hit me with, a pool toy?"

"A fucking crowbar, Betty Badass. Now, let's go. We're going. Tell her she's coming with me Antonio." Adam would say, looking back and forth between the pair of them.

But before Antonio had to launch into his own fatherly monologue she'd sigh. "Fine… okay. I'll go." She'd glare and Adam would move to follow her. "You don't have to ride with me, it's _nothing_."

He'd hold her gaze for a moment, shrug, and keep walking anyway. Though she'd _never_ have admitted it, she took a small comfort in the fact that he'd decided to ignore her and come anyway.

 _Chicago Med_

Adam would have the presence of mind to let the ambulance ride be one of silence and she'd try her best to keep the tears from falling when the paramedics had undone her vest and the real pain had come given that the tightness of the binding Velcro had acted as almost a brace around her. She'd feel scissors cutting at her shirt and she wouldn't be able to stop the gasp that fell from her lips as she felt fingers trail over the sorest part of her and mutter something about a possible fracture. She'd be about to lose her resolve to stay strong when she felt two fingers hook around two of her own and she'd find a timid faced Ruzek staring at her expectantly and she'd slide her hand into his and squeeze it hard because if she was going to keep the tears in she needed to let this out in another way.

"Thanks, Ruze." She'd replied with gritted teeth to his silent gesture, genuinely happy to have the tiny relief. He'd nod at her, letting her know a thanks wasn't necessary, but he'd be glad to have it by the time they arrived at med because with the way she'd squeezed his fingers, he might very well need his own x-ray. He'd stay for a while in the waiting area when they'd taken her to get x-rays and then he'd join her in her curtain walled 'room' in the emergency room to pass the rest of the time even though she'd told him he could take off at least six different times in the past thirty minutes he'd been in there with her.

She'd refuse the pain meds they offered her because even at the hospital where someone else could control them for her, she didn't trust herself. She'd take some Ibuprofen instead and it vaguely helped ease the dull ache that radiated from her side now. Sensing she could use a distraction from her still too present pain, Ruzek would start to talk.

"So, how was that little trip of yours?" He'd inquire because she hadn't really offered much up about her time away given how they'd been thrown so quickly into this Wurnos case upon her return. "Do anything other than your boyfriend while you were away?"

She usually liked to keep her private life private but, she'd feel compelled to offer him at least a little something, especially because his question at the end had elicited a small laugh from her. "It was great, actually. And yes; we did more than just have incredible, mind-melting sex; we hiked, made s'mores, did all sorts of fun things like that you couldn't really do in the city. The cabin was remarkable, I can't wait to go back." She'd stop there because even she could sense the giddiness in her voice as she spoke. His mention of Wisconsin would have her realize she hadn't spoken to Jay since any of this had transpired.

He'd smile at her happiness, genuinely pleased by it. "That's great, Erin." He'd nod and then he'd look at where her phone sat next to her on the table that extended from her hospital bed. "Speaking of; you should call him and let him know what happened. He'd already be here if you'd called him from the ambulance."

She'd contemplate how right he was and shrug her shoulders. "He doesn't need to worry every time something bad happens, this is not a big deal." Jay would worry far more than he needed to if she'd called him to come down here and he'd undoubtedly drop whatever else it was he'd been doing to be there for her. Maybe she should've found that fact romantic, and on some level she probably did, but more than that she saw it as just another way she seemed to be a burden or inconvenience to him. 

He'd roll his eyes but concede the fact that she'd have a right to her own opinion on this and he knew better than to try and stop it. It wouldn't keep him from adding; "He loves you. Don't get all in your head about things and screw it up."

She couldn't help but smile at that sage advice but she'd forget her intention to respond because the Doc had come in with her x-rays and informed them that she'd fractured one of her ribs pretty badly and the two around it were bruised and damaged.

Due to her refusal of pain meds; and his knowledge of why she'd done that, despite how horrific she'd felt, Adam would take it upon himself to find her some other option. He'd seen her puke twice from the pain and he couldn't stand watching her like that so he'd pretended he was going to get them snacks and instead track down her doctor, give him a rundown, and ask him to figure out a solution. By the time he returned with various goods from the vending machine, they'd already offered her an intercostal nerve blocker shot that would numb the area for roughly six hours. They'd give her a spirometer that was supposed to help her deepen her breaths and even though she knew she could've called Jay she'd be excited to use her new key and rather than get him all worked up that something was really wrong, she thought it'd be an easier pill to swallow if she just came home then if he'd had to get her from the ER.

While she'd been waiting for the shot to be administered, which would be about an hour-long process when it was all said and done, Adam would get a ride back to the district and return before it was all done and wait in the waiting room. The procedure would yield immediate relief and they' keep her another twenty minutes or so for observation before Adam was allowed to help her to his car and drive her home, he'd stop at the district and help her gather the necessary things. Hank would tell her to take the next day off to recover and she'd mutter something about not needing it even as she winced walking down the stairs.

 _Jay Halstead's Apartment_

"Thanks again, for everything today." She'd nod, as Adam pulled up in front of Jay's building. "I'd hug you but it actually hurts to…" She'd reach her hand over to pat his leg gently. "You're gained some points, inching closer to Atwater status!" She'd wink, moving to open the door and get out.

"Now that is a true honor." Adam would chuckle lightly and he'd offer her a smile. "I'm glad you're okay kid. Now, tell him to take it easy when he goes down on you tonight, you're already short of breath."

She'd roll her eyes at his vulgarity. "Goodnight, Ruze." She'd giggle any way and then retreat from his car and up the stairs. She'd be more than a little excited to slide her key into the lock and it felt satisfying to hear it click as she walked in.

She'd been just about to call out and announce her arrival as she set to work kicking off her shoes without causing herself too much pain when she'd hear a sound that would make her freeze in place. A giggle; such a seemingly harmless sound but it'd be distinctly female and that would be the part that made her stop on a dime. Her eyes would move to the pair of heels that sat in _her_ spot on the mat by the door; clearly worn more for style then function, but she wouldn't even have time to think what this could be or mean before she'd hear him call for her. "Erin?" His voice was familiar and innocently unassuming enough, it would throw her off slightly.

Of course he'd heard her come in, what had she excepted to just freeze in her spot by the door and go unnoticed until she could investigate more? "Coming!" Somehow the words would come and she'd finish removing her shoes with grave difficulty breathing and she'd discard the spirometer on the counter as she walked towards the living room.

Confirmation of that giggle and those shoes belonging to a woman would come when her eyes fell upon the tall, poised, fiery red-haired woman sitting on her boyfriend's couch in a pale pastel blouse tucked into a wrinkle-free khaki pencil skirt. Her hair was pulled down and to the side in a bun that looked effortless and professionally executed all at once. "Erin," Jay's voice would be easy again as she came into the living room. "This is Rachel, she's a friend of mine from college."

The tall, supremely gorgeous woman would rise from the couch and offer her hand to Erin and she'd take it graciously, thankful to be moving on autopilot since she'd seemed to have lost any and all control over her own mind right now. "Hi, it's nice to meet you." She'd say, surprised at how kind and genuine she sounded as she addressed this stranger.

"So lovely to meet you." Her voice would be soft and sweet, just like the fabric of that blouse she wore. "Jay and I ran into each other today at a bookstore, a little moment of serendipity considering that we met in a library." She'd exchanged a look with Jay only capable of passing between two people who had a shared memory and they'd both smile gently. This would make Erin feel a silent, inexplicable rage towards her now, but she'd mask it expertly.

"We got to talking and grabbed a coffee and I wanted to show her some of the annotations on this book one of our favorite professors wrote and released last year…" He'd keep going and Erin would smile and nod as if this were all so incredibly interesting to her even though anxiety and worry were boiling up within her now and she was feeling so insecure about how they laughed and seemed so easy together. "Anyway babe, long story short, I was thinking the three of us could grab dinner?" The questioning tone at the end of his final statement would drag her back in time to hear what he was asking and it would go completely unnoticed that she'd tuned out any part of whatever he'd just rambled on about in true Jay Halstead fashion.

She felt overwhelmed in that moment, by many things. One would be that she'd feel like a third wheel as they took a stroll down memory lane and she sat there forcing smiles and laughs through it all as she watched the obvious energy surrounding them buzz as they reminisced. Another would be that she'd received a blow to the chest with a crowbar and even though the shot she'd gotten at Med had numbed her, it still took quite the effort to breathe, and she was exhausted. Lastly; she'd really feel the urge to cry because as they'd left the district and headed here she'd envisioned herself crawling into his bed with a bag of ice as the nurse had instructed and ordered a pizza they could share while he rubbed her back and kissed her in places that didn't hurt. Instead, she'd come home to find a woman with an Amazonian stature, flawless complexion, and such put togetherness that left her feeling more than just a little insecure about herself.

Despite all that she was feeling, instead of articulating or communicating any of it, she'd say; "Oh my, wow. That sounds so fun and normally I'd be up for it, but I had a pretty rough day at work I was thinking of calling it an early night." She'd feel almost guilty saying it, but it was true. In fact, the shot she'd gotten, or the pain she still felt from her injury, had her feeling slightly nauseated and she was thinking of substituting pizza for toast if she ate anything at all that night.

Jay's face would be immediately crestfallen and he'd seem to forget how little she enjoyed sharing private information in front of strangers because even though Rachel was standing right there he'd ask; "What happened at work?" But he was concerned and it came from the right place so she couldn't get mad, even if she wanted to.

She'd go the route of downplaying what happened because she didn't want him to panic and she honestly did want him to go without her to dinner with Rachel if he was so inclined, because whether it made her uncomfortable or not, she was clearly his friend and she'd never be the kind of girlfriend who forbid her man from hanging out with someone just because they were attractive and of the opposite sex. "Ah, nothing big. Just a crazy case, had to chase a guy through a trailer park, got a little roughed up by the experience."

Jay had opened his mouth to implore more but Rachel would beat him to it. "That sounds pretty bad ass, Jay told me you were a cop, I think it's so amazing, good for you! It's so cool to me when women prove they can do things that are suited more towards men."

Erin wouldn't be sure how to take that but she'd hold back from biting back at her with a sassy reply and instead go with a forced laugh and a, "Yeah, thanks." Punctuated by a fake smile that would, thanks to dimples, look very real. "But really, you two should go and enjoy I am going to shower and lay down and probably pass out early… we'll definitely have to rain check though…" She'd offer a slight wave and was already moving towards his bedroom when she'd started that and so she'd have no problem vanishing behind its door as she finished speaking; happy for an escape from Rachel's inquiring eyes and Jay's sad ones.

The door would open moments later and he'd come in with a perplexed look. "Erin what's going on? Is everything okay?" He'd ask, taking a step towards her.

"Yeah it's fine, I'm just…exhausted. Go have fun with your friend!" She'd insist but he'd see through the fakeness that had charmed Rachel, and he woudn't let her off the hook that easily.

Cautiously he'd add, "Rachel is _just_ a friend, I promise you babe…"

Even if he'd be able to see through it she'd force out another laugh. "That is not it at all, I just got a _little_ hurt today and I need to lay down. I can totally head to my place, I'm not trying to ruin your night…"

His brow would knit with concern as he moved closer to her and he'd ignore anything she'd said about heading to her place or ruining his night because that wasn't at all what he'd been trying to communicate. "What happened?" He'd ask suddenly.

There was no use trying to downplay it any further or flat out lie, which was likely to be her intention, so she'd come out with the truth; "I got hit in the ribs, with a crowbar. The vest absorbed most of the blow but I got one fractured rib and a few gnarly bruises." She'd try to deliver it casually as not to cause him t worry but it wouldn't work.

"Hit in the ribs with a crowbar?" His eyes would emphasize the questioning tone he held and he'd shake his head, almost annoyed at the fact she hadn't led with that. "Let me see." He'd demand and even if she didn't take kindly to being spoken to in that way, she'd still lift her shirt and her own eyes would widen at her reflection in his body-length mirror, because she'd only had glances of the way it look from the angle she'd been at in the hospital but seeing it all at once made her feel extremely sick because the bruised spanned almost the entirety of the right side of her torso. "Fuck," He'd mutter, taking her appearance in. "I'm going to tell Rachel we'll rain check—"

She wouldn't even let him finish. "Absolutely not! Jay, you should go-"

"No!" His voice was surprisingly firm and the strength behind it would silence her. "I'm not leaving you alone like this."

Her annoyance would be apparent, but not her appreciation, despite the fact she felt both towards him. "I'm fine, Jay. Not the first time I get hurt on the job, or the last. Your very beautiful friend is waiting for you, go, have dinner with her. Catch up with her, reminisce about book store serendipity." Hearing the own bitterness in her words would instantly make her feel bad and she'd sigh at herself and say; "I think I'm just going to go home." With that she'd move towards the door but he would stop her.

She'd expect firmness but find gentleness wrapped around it. "Erin, baby, stop." His hand would cup her face. "I don't give a fuck about Rachel." He'd whisper, kissing her forehead. "You're not going home. You are fucking home. I'm your home." He'd say in the softest voice possible, but still forceful. "Rachel can go home and if I never see her again, oh well. But you are staying right here and letting me take care of you and I honestly don't even care what the fuck you think you could say to change my mind because it won't work. So lay your perfect ass down on that bed and I'm going to say goodbye to Rachel, order us a pizza from the place down the street where we grabbed it the first night we met, and then I am getting you some ice and you're telling me exactly what the fuck happened out there."

Even though she was inclined to be mad and actually would've preferred to stay pissed at him, he would more than win her over with his delivery and the content of what he'd said. Especially the 'I don't give a fuck about Rachel' bit; that part in particular would have her smile growing to span from ear to ear. "You are my home." She'd confirm, kissing him before he left to take care of things exactly like he'd said he would.


	10. Chapter 10

_Jay Halstead's Apartment_

The night before she'd been too exhausted to do much other than lay pathetically in his bed while he walked Rachel to her car with whatever explanation he'd given her for the sudden change of plans. He'd ordered them dinner and got her something to ice her injury with as well, because the main was apparently up for sainthood. Once he'd returned, he'd coaxed her into making her way to the living room to sit on the couch.

He'd spend a considerable amount of time studying the massive bruise on her rib cage, while they watched TV and ate, before laying a towel over it and placing the bag of frozen peas he'd retrieved from the fridge. She'd eaten a few bites of pizza but then fell asleep on the couch so he'd carried her to bed and shut off her alarm since she'd confessed she'd been ordered to stay home. While she slept he'd taken her keys and gone to her place. There, he'd gotten her some clothes, two of her favorite pillows, the bottle of crazy expensive wine they'd started last week, and that sweatshirt of his she'd claimed as her own.

Upon his return he'd find her vaguely in a state between awake and asleep and he'd fix the pillows around her, place the clothes on the nightstand next to her, and then slide in next to her, stroking her arm gently until she'd at last drifted into real sleep again.

Around two in the morning, the shot would completely wear off and the pain would rush back all at once, it seemed. She'd wake up with a yelp of pain and he'd shoot forward, startled awake as well. "Baby, what is it?"

A whimper would fall from her lips as the tears came. "It just hurts, so bad." She'd finally manage, pulling herself up by her arms to sit as Jay turned on the lamp next to his side of the bed. "Hurts to even breathe…" She'd gripe.

"Did they give you pain meds?" His question was more than innocent but it would bring up a lot of feelings in her and her confession would come out all at once.

"I… I can't. I was—I _am_ an addict. Specifically to pain pills like the ones that would help me now." She'd grit her teeth through the pain and Jay would give her a look that could only be described as pity before rising from the bed in quiet understanding. "I guess I deserve it; I did a lot of shitty things on drugs and to get them so it is almost justice that when I really need them, I can't have them." She'd say quietly, more to herself then him. He'd hand her some over the counter pain management meds that would, just as they had in the hospital, do almost nothing for her. Her breath would be more labored now as she felt the sharpness of each inhalation. "I'm sorry," She'd whisper, after forty minutes had passed of her moaning in pain and gasping each time she took a sharp breath; she knew she was undoubtedly ruining his own chance at sleep.

"Erin, you don't have to apologize for being in pain. And, for the record, I don't care what you did in your past; you deserve nothing but good things for all you do for people all the time." He'd said softly, rising from the bed and disappearing. He was gone for long enough she was starting to think he'd fallen asleep on the couch but he'd reenter the bedroom just as that thought was about to spill tears from her eyes and he'd place a new bag of frozen veggies and a small towel next to her. "Maybe this will help a little?" He'd offer, sitting next to her on the bed and facing her, his hand coming to stroke her right thigh in what he hoped was a way that might bring her some comfort. "Later, we'll find a better solution." He'd start gently. "But, I did grab that wine we'd started at your place, that might do at least something to take the edge off?" She'd be willing to try anything, so his suggestion would be met with a nod. As such, he'd rise once again, leave the room, and come back wielding the bottle of wine alone, knowing a wineglass would be more of a formality at this point. She'd opt for a couple swigs straight away and it would certainly help to take the edge off a little and at the very least it helped her find sleep again.

Their night would be far from restful but when she'd wake up with a whimper or even the slightest snivel, he'd awake too and either hand her the wine, stroke her hair, or find some way to soothe her sweetly; even it was just to remind her he loved her like crazy. She'd fade in and out of sleep for the next few hours until around eight, when she'd finally find a consistent two hours of restfulness.

He'd escape again during that small window to work on that 'better solution' to her pain. Upon his return, he'd find her posted up on the couch, frozen vegetables affixed to her side and the pillows propped up around her. "Hey beautiful." He'd grin gently, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"Hey yourself, handsome." She'd say, shifting her legs to make room for him. "Where'd you run off to? Visiting Rachel?" She'd tease, but her smirk would let him know her joke was rooted in good fun, not jealousy.

"Hardly." He'd shake his head, but his smile would still be present. "Actually, I was getting this." He'd reach into a small brown bag that bore the label of a local organic and health food store. From the bag, he'd produce a bottle of pills labeled willow bark. "Okay, so… history nerd time," He'd begin. "Willow bark has been used as a pain reliever and anti-inflammatory for legitimately thousands of years. We're talking its use has been traced back to Hippocrates, that's like 400 BC!" She wouldn't be able to contain the grin that grew into dimples at the way he seemed so excited to share these facts with her. "Now in those times, people would actually chew on the bark from the trees. Luckily, the practice has become more civilized, and it's been made into pill form. I won't bore you with more information, but… it _might_ help? At least a little…" He'd trail off and hand her the bottle.

"Okay first, what the fuck? Honestly, where were you made?" She'd giggle gently, because this man was so beyond perfect, she truly couldn't understand how he'd wound up in her path; not that she was complaining. "You are ridiculously hot when you get all history buff on me, I have to admit." She'd add, and she'd reach out to grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him towards her so she could kiss him softly. "Thank you, babe." She'd whisper against his lips before capturing them again in a slightly more heated kiss, before doing so had made the sharpness return to her side. "You are the most thoughtful man, I swear." Her thumb would run over his lip gently, appreciating the softness of it, before getting up to get herself something to drink so she could give his new solution a try. While in the kitchen, she'd toast them both bagels for breakfast; her own small domesticated show of appreciation and thanks.

The pills wouldn't be as effective as they'd hoped but they'd still help slightly more than the ibuprofen had last night, even if it was only because she'd had a better attitude towards it. He'd put on one of his documentaries, if only because he _knew_ it would make her fall asleep and just as he'd expected, it worked like a charm. He'd be content though, because she'd passed out with her head in his lap, lying on her good side, as he'd stroked her hair and there was legitimately nowhere else he'd rather be then right where he was at that moment.

The film would long be over when she stirred awake again and she'd be surprised to find herself alone on the couch when she did. "Jay?" She'd call, not wanting to be bothered with the effort of lifting herself up to look for him.

"Coming!" His voice would sound not too far away, which would indicate that he was in the kitchen and mere seconds later he was padding out to her. "How you feeling?" He'd ask, studying her face and moving to help her sit up at her request.

"Like I got hit in the ribs with a crowbar?" She'd giggle gently, which would cause her face to pull in pain, but it was true; she still felt like absolute shit. "But, a little better now that I've gotten a decent nap and that magical hippy medicine from my favorite smarty pants." She'd grin up at him, puckering her lips slightly to indicate she wanted another kiss. He'd oblige more than happily.

"I was just fixing us some lunch, my own spin on the common BLT." He'd kiss her again and then disappear for another few minutes before returning to sit next to her with two plates and a bag of potato chips. "I present, the BLAT! A BLT, with avocado."

Her eyes would light up. "Fuck you know I love avocado." She'd say excitedly, taking the plate and kissing his cheek as she did so. "You a far too good to me. It actually kind of freaks me out sometimes." She'd confess that last part honestly.

"Kind of sad that you think someone loving and taking care of you is being too good to you, babe." He'd say back gently, patting her leg. "But, honestly, can you get used to it, please? Because this is just how it's always going to be. You don't need to worry that the other shoe is going to drop or something. I love you, like crazy. It kind of freaks me out," He'd say those words in jest, mirroring her own confession, but there was truth to them. He'd never loved anyone the way he loved Erin; and he never wanted to. The all-consuming nature of his feelings for her was almost overwhelming at times. "You're it for me, babe. So you can't blame me for wanting to show you that everyday, can you?" His words were earnest and the way he looked at her would make her melt.

"Honestly, what lab were you made in?" She'd giggle and kiss him. "You're amazing, I can totally get used to this." She'd admit happily and the pair of them would share another smile before they dug in to their lunch. Her mouth would still be full of the last bite when her next words would come. "Move in with me." So, maybe it wouldn't take her an entire month to find the courage to make that request, but it would be slightly muddled by the food so she'd swallow and then try again, "I… when your lease ends; I want you to move in with me. I mean, if you don't want to I totally—" She wouldn't be able to finish because her lips would be occupied by his suddenly in the middle of speaking.

"I thought you'd never ask." He'd grin, brushing his thumbs over her cheeks. "Yes, I'd love to. More than anything." He'd add and even though it may have caused her a bit of pain to do so, she'd move to straddle him on the couch.

"One more request?" She'd say, almost timidly, as his hands came to rest carefully on her hips.

"Anything." He'd say instantly, her forehead coming to rest against his.

"Make love to me," She'd whisper, her hands tangling into his hair.

He'd be tempted to ask if she was sure, because in her present condition, it may not be the best idea but the way she'd looked at him would tell him she was and he would be more careful than ever as he stood up with her still in his lap, his hands coming under her to hoist her up as he walked them down the hall.

He'd make the sweetest, slowest, most careful love to her in his bed; somehow expertly working around the sharp pains that came with breathing. When they'd both finished he'd moved down so he was next to her and he'd press the sweetest kisses over her bruise. He wouldn't have to speak the words to remind her that she was his only thing.

However, when his phone screen had lit up and she'd heard it vibrate for what felt like the tenth time since they'd move into the bedroom, she'd give him a questioning look. "Who is blowing you up? She'd ask, looking over at him with a confused expression despite having her own suspicions as to who may be so persistent in their want to reach him.

He'd feel almost uneasy to tell her, even though he really had nothing to hide. "The last three times it was Rachel…" He'd feel a little guilty as he spoke the words.

"Answer it, see what she wants!" There would legitimately be no jealousy or fakeness in her voice when she said that but it would still cause him to roll his eyes at the suggestion.

"I'm good." He'd laugh and then move to silence his phone completely because as far as he was concerned the only person he really cared to be in touch with right now was right in front of him.

"Okay, I have to ask; what's the story with her? She's either slept with you or regrets that she never did; one of the two. Which is it?" She'd eye him as she asked the questions, to see if her investigative skills would give her a clue to his answer before he spoke it out loud.

He'd shift uncomfortably as he looked at her, "Rachel and I have never slept together, Erin." He'd start there, but she could tell there was more to the story. "We had a _little_ thing, three years ago. Nothing serious; a few study dates after we met, as she said, in the university library cramming for a class we both had. Rachel is beautiful, obviously, and she's intelligent. But she's not my type. She's very vain and very materialistic." He'd confirm with a nod, looking into her eyes to see how she took that in.

Jealously would bubble up in her even if this had all taken place in the past, before he knew her, because the idea of him being with anyone in any capacity was enough to drive her crazy. "Clearly not cabin material." She'd say simply, smirking at him, opting not to let that jealousy she felt rear it's ugly head and cause strife between them when it obviously didn't need to. He'd said she wasn't his type and she'd take that at face value; because she trusted him completely.

"Clearly." He'd agree, his own smirk growing now. His phone would light up again, this time indicating he had a voicemail, and her eyes would light up slightly with almost eager anticipation. "What's that look about?" He'd ask, noticing the excitement that played on her face.

"Ten bucks says she's asking you out in that message." She'd smile, glancing at his phone briefly and then looking back at him again.

"Ten bucks? No, something better than that, because I guarantee she isn't." He'd challenge back, rather confident.

"Fine, name the terms. I promise you I'm right. She is totally the type of girl who wants what she can't have. I met her for all of five minutes and I can figure that out." That wasn't even her detective skills at work; it as her knowledge of the way girl's like Rachel _always_ seemed to be. She should know; she'd gone to a private high school courtesy of the Voight's that was _full_ of Rachels.

He'd stare at her and consider briefly the fact that she read people for a living and was probably using some of those skills in her discernment, but Rachel was _just_ a friend and he'd made it more than clear to her that Erin was on the exact opposite end of the relationship spectrum. "Full body massage." He'd say, extending his hand to her, eyeing her studiously as he did.

"Deal!" She'd smile and then she'd grab his phone from his hands to hit the speaker option and play the message.

" _Hey Jay, Listen… seeing you the other night it just; it really reminded me how great we could have been. I know you have a girlfriend, but… we should grab dinner and really catch up, just the two of us. Call me! Or text… whatever. I look forward to hearing from you, handsome!"_

Erin loved being right, it honestly trumped whatever negative feelings she had over some woman from Jay's past trying to put the moves on him. "HAH! Told you!" She'd laugh gently, and some karmic justice would come into play next, because the act of laughing would cause her to grab her side as it seared with pain again at her over-celebration. But it wouldn't stop her from continuing to brag. "I win!" She'd boast, smirking at the dumbfounded look on his face, her smile would dissolve into a giggle again; the act of which would remind her of the pain in her ribs; but she'd still find amusement in the situation regardless.

"I told her things were serious between us, I swear!" He'd defend, but she would be far from mad at him.

"Oh, I'm sure you did. But that probably just made you more attractive and desirable to her, honestly. Women are… complex creatures, babe." She'd lean over and kiss him gently. "I'm going to rain check that massage though, until I can fully appreciate it."

He couldn't help at smile at that, he should've known better than to go against his detective girlfriend's observation skills. "Deal, although either way, I really feel like I won this bet. Because giving you a naked rub down is not a punishment, at all."

She would laugh gently at that, but it would be one laugh too many and that willow bark wasn't strong enough to keep the pain at bay. "Ow, fuck. Stop being adorable, I can't laugh anymore." She'd smile, rising from the bed, using her foot to hook her shirt from the floor and kick it into the air so she could catch it and put it back on. She'd perform similar stunts with her underwear and pajama pants until she was clothed once again (with his assistance) and they'd spend the rest of the day loafing around peacefully.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

She'd uncharacteristically milk her injury because being taken care of by Jay was amazing and he was spoiling her with her favorite foods, foot rubs, and generally doing for her or giving her anything her heart desired. She wasn't used to being doted on, but she could certainly get used to it. She'd texted Hank to ask for another day to recover and he'd given it to her without a second thought because if she felt like she needed it, then he did too.

She'd spend another sleepless night with Jay, but this time they'd migrated to her place. Another night of listening to her whimper every single time she rolled over or so much as coughed would have Jay feeling utterly useless, so as soon as he felt it was acceptable (which would be sometime after six in the morning) he'd gotten out of bed and called Will to see if he had any solutions. He'd suggested that she come in for another of the shot's that had helped her so much the day of her initial injury. So, being able to take her in this state no longer, he'd waited for her to 'wake up' (a term he used lightly because he wasn't sure she'd ever actually fallen asleep) and tell her about Will's advisements. She'd be more than willing to head to Med, so that's exactly what they'd done and two hours later, she'd fall asleep in the car on the ride home because the almost instantaneous numbing effect of the nerve blocker would finally bring her peace.

Thankful that exhaustion had finally consumed her, he'd do his best not to wake her and he'd unbuckle her seatbelt and successfully pick her up and carry her up three flights of stairs; her eyes would flutter open a few times but not enough to fully draw her out of her slumber, so he'd lie her down in her bed and cover her up to sleep as long as possible upon getting them inside. He'd feel exceedingly accomplished after completing that feat, especially unlocking the door with her in his arms (he'd be almost disappointed that no one had been there to witness it).

His sense of accomplishment would send him to the kitchen to tidy up and it would really hit him that she'd asked him to move in. At this point he had a little less than three weeks until his lease was up and he realized that he'd done little to no apartment hunting in the hopes of this exact scenario playing out. As he set to work cleaning out the fridge of disgustingly old left-overs, he'd feel compelled to rearrange some cabinets and before he knew it, three hours had gone by and he'd moved from the kitchen, to the guest room, to the living room and her place was looking _almost_ as neat as his when he'd be stirred from the window he was currently wiping down by the sounds of her waking up. It was then he would consider if he'd gone a little too far in his cleaning adventure. She'd emerge from the bedroom before he finished the task at hand and he'd greet her with a warm smile. "Bad news, I think we may have gone into the wrong apartment after we left Med…" She'd trail off, observing the cleanliness of the living room with a smirk.

"I may have gotten a little carried away cleaning while you were asleep; I was just trying to be helpful but sometimes I get a little anal retentive." His completely appropriate use of the word anal would still garner a giggle from her, one that wouldn't cause her pain thanks to the shot she'd gotten.

"Get carried away whenever you want," She'd smile, moving over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He's arms would settle similarly around her and he'd place a contented kiss to her forehead. "That shot is some strong stuff, I hardly even remember getting out of car; much less making it upstairs." As the words left her lips the memory would flood back. "Wait? Did you carry me?" She'd ask, tilting her head to the side. The smile that grew on his lips would let her know he was guilty as charged. "Jay Halstead, seriously. You're too good to be true. I need you to have flaws! You're giving me a complex. I'm not even half as good to you as you are to me."

"Oh please, you're legitimately the most amazing woman I've ever met. Besides, you've officially saved me from being homeless in a couple weeks, consider this a preemptive thank you. Plus, I have the entire summer off to relax and your job has you getting hit with crowbars, I think you're long overdue for being a little bit spoiled by a man who is crazy about you." And he'd mean that, because honestly the life she'd lived up to this point had earned her more than what he'd done for her and his current plan was to spend the rest of his life showing her that. "Besides; you are incredibly sexy and excellent to take on adventures; what more could I ever need? Have to do something to keep a woman like you on the hook." He'd wink at her and grin gently, she was so much more than either of the words he'd used to describe her, but he'd stop himself from carrying on too much; lest it make her uncomfortable. He'd noticed early on in their relationship that when he laid the compliments on too thick, she tended to clam up.

"Well the least you can do is let me take you to lunch. There's that new little Middle Eastern place two blocks west and I think you've officially convinced me to try a falafel." She'd pat her stomach, which seemed to growl on cue. "And, if I remember correctly it's also a used book store so you're basically going to cum in your pants as soon as we walk in."

 _Ikebab Crane Middle Eastern Restaurant and Book Store_

"This place is amazing already, the name alone gets me but the fact that this is also a book store is really sending me over the edge," Jay would note, almost giddy as he opened the door for her. They'd order their food at a counter and then browsed the expansive collection of already-loved books that lined the walls and shelves scattered strategically around tables and chairs. Jay would almost immediately find two books on Mesopotamia that he would absolutely _need_ and would send him down a rabbit hole of ancient world history stories that kept them both occupied until their food arrived.

"Wow, I just talked about the Epic of Gilgamesh for an embarrassingly long amount of time, why didn't you stop me? I'll still love you, even when you grow tired of my longwinded explanations of historical information that is far to near and dear to my heart to be considered normal." He'd smirk, taking a bite of the tabouli salad he'd ordered on the side.

"I love it, besides I wasn't necessarily the best student so; it's like I'm learning when you go off on one of your tangents." She'd grin, taking a labored breath before digging in to her own meal. She really could listen to this man talk for hours about anything and never get bored. He was beyond fascinating and he had such a captivating way of telling stories that even when the topics he'd go off on tangents about seemed potentially dull, he'd always make them interesting. The rest of their meal would be spent in a similar vain, he'd regale her with more tails of ancient civilizations and they'd have their fill of Middle Eastern fares before heading back to her place.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

Upon their return she'd notice that he'd done more than just organize the living room. She'd get over the initial anger that had threatened her; feeling a bit intruded upon at first by his candid way of taking over without asking. By the time she'd taken in all of his handiwork, she'd walk up behind him and wrap her arms around his waist. "I know your lease isn't up yet but; you should just move in now. I'm pretty sure this place looks more like a home than it ever has before and… honestly; the idea of having you to come home to everyday is the only thing motivating me even remotely to get back to work."

"Is it bad I have been trying to figure out all day how to bring that idea up?" He'd smile softly and kiss her. "I mean, let's be real we've basically lived together for weeks now. The asking was just a formality." She'd nod in agreement and they'd share another tender kiss.

"True story," She'd agree, brushing her hair back as she snuggled up to him; thankful that the shot was still in full effect. "You know…" That realization would give her some devious thoughts. "We should take a bath. In _our_ bathtub." They'd both have giant smiles due to her choice of phrasing there.

"You are really full of great ideas today, aren't you?" He'd ask, kissing her gently. "But fair warning there is no way that this doesn't turn sexy really fast so if that isn't your intention then, let me know so I can prepare myself."

"Why do you think I suggested it?" She'd ask with a sly smirk, tugging at his shirt but letting him remove it, as lifting her arm wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience. That reminder would set him to work carefully undressing her and then they'd make their way to the bathroom, staggered by kisses and intimate touches, until the faucet was on filling the tub until there was enough water that they were climbing in.

Hands would roam and lips would follow as he got in first and then she'd settled against him. She'd basically melt into him as he'd set to work running a washcloth over her arms and gradually over the rest of her in such a way that would make even a tedious task as that seem incredibly sexual. The washcloth would be discarded in favor of fingers and lips and small pleasures would be bestowed around her upper half, with special mind paid to her breasts until the moans he was getting were interrupted with whimpers unmistakably born from pain and he'd know it was getting to be too much for her to handle.

Yet, as sensual as things gotten in that tub, the experience would be more beautiful than anything because yet again he'd find another way to show off how perfect he was; in the way he'd so carefully handled her and tended to her with the utmost sensitivity.

The perfectness of the moment would have her clamming up; self-sabotaging in true Erin Lindsay fashion. She wouldn't be able to stop these feelings of unease though because when things were this amazing; the fallout was equally as terrible, her fight or flight instincts would kick in against her will. "One day, you're going to realize I'm not worth any of this." She'd mutter with a sigh but her words were almost inaudible as she shifted against him.

"Hmm?" He'd ask with closed eyes, his fingers tracing up the insides of her thighs gently, distractedly as they fluttered back open. "I didn't catch that."

She'd be momentarily diverted by the light touches that felt so intimate, but that nagging feeling that she needed to protect herself would win out against her want to enjoy this moment. "We…. it's too good to be true, isn't it? You're going to move in and realize that I'm not worth all the trouble I inevitably bring with me." Born into bad news meant it was always going to be a part of her, even if he managed to make that part of her seemingly latent whenever he was around.

"That's not true, Erin." His tone would remain gentle as his hands moved up to her sides and he leaned in to kiss her shoulder. The act would bring her more comfort than she wanted to admit but when she'd resolved herself to ruining something, she almost always saw it through; so she'd sort of shrug him off even if it was nearly impossible to really get away from in given their current arrangement in the tightly confined space; every inch of them touching.

"You don't understand what you're getting yourself into." She'd decided if she wanted to stay resigned to seeing this through she'd have to remove herself from the tub but his grip on her would tighten slightly and so she'd lie to get her way. "Stop, Jay. You're hurting me." The agitation elicited from her words would be obvious even though she didn't mean what she'd said, he'd still let go of her and watch her rise from the tub as she continued her original diatribe as she wrapped a towel around herself. "This isn't real life, you and me. It's… you being perfect all the time is exhausting. Mess up! Yell at me! Say shitty things I'll pretend to forgive you for but never forget. That's the relationship I know how to function in. Not this kind… it's too much pressure. You never mess up! But I do. I constantly do. I mean you managed in three hours to clean my place more than I have in the entire time I've lived here! That shit is going to piss you off eventually. I'm a mess and beyond that, I don't give a shit that I'm a mess. I like being a mess. I thrive in messes! You, on the other hand… you like to live in a museum! Everything in its special spot… it's going to be a problem. Just wait. Or… maybe don't, maybe we shouldn't—" He'd chose now to interrupt her rambling because he'd been predisposed to to let her get it all out but he wouldn't let her say that they should reconsider their newly decided upon living arrangement before it had a chance to come to fruition. She was just freaking out, he wasn't going to let her spiral completely.

"Erin, calm down." He'd regret that choice of words instantly because her face would narrow and she'd move to leave the bathroom, "Wait, wait. Okay… not the best phrasing on my part, you are calm. Your feelings are totally legitimate—" She'd cut him off as he trailed after her, stopping only to wrap a towel around his waist. They would track water all over the floor as she left the bedroom and it would make him cringe, which would only reinforce her point about his cleanliness not aligning to her not giving a fuck.

"STOP! Stop psychoanalyzing me… or talking to me like I'm one of your students who has come to you for advice! I don't need to be told my feelings are legitimate! I don't need to be fucking coddled." She'd be beyond irritated as she turned around to look at him, glaring.

"Well, forgive me, but when you act childish, I go into teacher mode." If he'd regretted telling her to calm down, those feelings had been conquered because he'd grow annoyed at her constant negativity even in the face of his gentleness. She wanted a fight right now and she wasn't going to let him off the hook without seeing it through. So, his own resolve to remain calm and even-tempered would falter with this newly acquired knowledge and understanding.

Even though he was giving her exactly what she wanted, it would still piss her off. "So expressing my concerns is childish?"

"No, but the way you've chosen to express them certainly is." He'd say with an even tone, which would annoy her even more.

"Well take it or leave it, Jay. This is me. This is how I get when I'm…." She wasn't really sure how she intended to finish that sentence but he'd take a stab at it for her.

"Scared? Vulnerable? Dare I say… happy?"

"STOP!" She'd raise her voice louder than before. "I asked you to stop being perfect. Can't you just yell or something? Can't you be annoyed with me? Tell me I'm ruining this like we both know I am? Whatever you decide to do; can it please not be helpful?" The ridiculousness of her request wouldn't be lost on her.

"Do you know what I hear when you say that? I hear: Jay, can't you just treat you like shit like everyone else who's claimed to love me has?" His eyes would narrow now, because the fact she could even think he'd be capable of being that way would disgust him a bit. "The answer is: NO! No, I really can't. And you know why you love me, babe? It's because I don't. I'm not acting perfect. I'm not acting like anything. It's easy with you… to find the right things to say and do because making you happy is important to me and I'm not going to apologize for being myself. I'm sorry you don't know how to accept that, I'm not sure what else to do."

"See what I fucking mean? I mean listen to you, even when you're mad and frustrated you're being sickeningly sweet! It's too much for me. I get that I should be grateful but I just… I can't." She'd tug a pair of sweatpants on and attempt to put on her shirt but it would hurt, and he'd try to help and she'd yell again. "STOP! I'm fine by myself, I always have been." Her words would be thickly coated with aggression and despondence. Even though she knew it was nothing for him to help her, she'd refuse his assistance and he'd watch her with great annoyance as she struggled unnecessarily.

He would however, take these moments of her shutting up to concentrate on the task at hand as a chance to defend himself with a little more detail. "I'm not perfect Erin. I've just had a lot of therapy and PTSD support groups to work out my shit and find healthy ways to cope. If you'd met me about eight years ago, you'd have the asshole version of me you want to show his face right now. But, I worked hard as hell to get that bastard under control. So, I'm not letting him out just because your shitty role models for functioning relationships have made you feel that the way you handle intense situations is to yell and say shit you don't mean." His frustration would actually manage to soften her slightly, enough that she'd stopped struggling at let him help her ease into the shirt she was trying to wear. He'd take her silence as a cue to continue his words and he'd work cautiously to help her dress again.

"I was a shitty person! I drank and fucked away my problems for a while instead of dealing with them. We both have dark shit in our pasts; I don't plan to hold yours against you. If it would make you feel better I can tell you all sorts of stories that will show you how far I am from perfect." Intrigue would flash in her eyes then. "The innocent people I've killed. The faces of children I've murdered. The men I left behind overseas that I could have done more to save. The brother's I lost to suicide, depression, addiction; people who reached out when they needed me and found no one there." The darkness that passed over his eyes would be enough to weaken her resolve to carry this on to the point of no return and her features would soften immediately. It would motivate her to move towards him, placing a gentle hand on his tightly folded crossed arms; resting on his bicep. The things she'd said hadn't ben fair; he was right. But, she wouldn't dare speak yet, knowing he wasn't finished.

"So call it pity, Erin, if it makes you feel better. But maybe this is just me, doing it right for once. Being there when someone needs me; that's new to me too okay? And I'm never going to apologize for supporting you or picking you up when you need it. Even when you're being kind of an asshole, I still love the hell out of you." The way she'd soften with his realness would prompt him to give her more. Maybe sharing his own concerns and misgivings would help them both right now. "Honestly, sometimes it pisses me off how much I need you, okay? Have you considered that? It fucking sucks to ache for a woman who is independent and needs no one! To watch you off being a fucking bad ass when I'm wearing fucking vests and bow ties and teaching students why our country is so historically amazing yet does little to nothing to support or protect the men and women who devote their lives to protecting it. I feel like shit sometimes too, Erin. I have bad selfish days and I used to the kind of guy who would've gladly taken those feelings out on you. But, I've worked hard not to be. Can you respect where I'm coming from, please?" He wouldn't realize how exasperated he'd grown until she was placing a calming hand on his rapidly heaving chest.

"Yes, I can and… fuck I'm a selfish cunt sometimes." She'd lean up and kiss him gently. He'd done nothing but support and be there for her and like always; she'd tried to ruin that. She knew exactly why she'd chosen to lash out though, so she wouldn't do him the disservice of pretending this was just random. "This thing with Rachel it just sort of reminded me how many women out there would probably kill to be with you. And how many of them could give you so much more than I can…"

"Can we both agree that as a grown as man I know what and who I want and I am perfectly capable of deciding for myself if you are or aren't what I want and desperately need?"

She wouldn't be able to stop herself from smiling; "Fair enough, babe." She'd say finally, moving to nestle against him where he stood in the middle of _their_ bedroom. "I'm sorry; I'd love to say this won't happen again but knowing my propensity to self-sabotage; I know that would be a lie. So, I'll just say this instead," She'd take a deep breath and look lovingly into his eyes. "You're always going to be my everything; even when I don't act like it."

"And you're always going to be my only thing. No matter who tries to change that."


	11. Chapter 11

_Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

Erin wasn't necessarily good at apologies or at making things up to people. Her life had been filled mostly with people who were experts at or at least content with merely sweeping things under the rug. But she felt compelled to makes sure that things were different with them.

She'd considered his words well after they'd gone to bed and he'd fallen asleep first for once, his leg draped over her hips, his arm resting under her barely covered breasts. He used to be the kind of guy who'd have lashed out and she was daring him to be him again. She was, by every definition of the word; a monster. How could she try to tear down such a beautiful person when instead she should be rising up to meet him in the same space where he existed, not working to drag him down into the dark pits of despair from which she'd been born? Is this what it felt like to find someone who made you want to fight your natural inclinations to be better?

Jay Halstead was worth fighting for. Worth going against her instincts that told her to run or threatened to ruin what they'd built in the past few weeks. He was worth the struggle to remind herself that in spite of what she'd been told her whole life and made to believe, that she was worthy of being loved simply because of who she was and not because she'd been worth saving or could serve some greater purpose in a grand plot or plan. Jay loved her because he wanted to. It was something she needed to remind herself of daily; but that he'd often take great care in offering her those reminders without even realizing he had. In fact as she lay next to him still plagued with an inability to fall asleep, he'd cuddled against her, his warm lips finding a new place on her neck that would bring her comfort she still wasn't sure she deserved. Yet, she'd find herself relaxing into his tall frame, seeking the comfort and warmth offered there until she'd faded into her own peaceful sleep.

She'd get a decent few hours which was good because she wasn't about to call out of work for a third day in a row even if it felt like she needed it, especially given the text she'd received at five summoning her in early. She'd done her best not to disturb him as she got herself ready to head into work but the huffs and puffs that would come with her attempt at slipping on a shirt would rouse him and he'd be behind her before she'd even registered that the noise she'd heard moments before had been the shifting of his weight off of the mattress as he rose to walk over to her. "I think you need one more day of rest." He'd mumble into her neck, pressing a kiss there.

"I wish. But, it's better to save personal days. I'm thinking we can make it back up to Wisconsin for at least a few more days before you head back to school!" She'd grin, turning to face him and allow him to help her get the green v-neck around her neck and over her shoulders. He'd let his hands linger in her hair and at the base of her neck as he captured her lips in a tender kiss.

"I like that plan." He'd mutter and still half asleep he'd disappear from the room and meet her at the door where she was sliding her feet into a pair of charcoal gray boots. "Coffee?" He'd offer, extending a travel mug to her that she'd take appreciatively and take a sip from as she took pause from her current task to let the hot liquid trickle down and help wake her up more. He'd also offer her some willow bark pills and a cup of water to wash them down with, both of which she'd also take appreciatively.

"Go back to bed, crazy." She'd whisper, moving to capture his lips once more after she'd finally jammed her feet successfully into both boots. "I have special plans for later okay? I'll call you when I get off but, just make sure you're free for dinner and beyond, okay?"

"Deal," He'd say, quiet intrigue playing on his face. He'd hold her there a little longer in silence, his chin resting on her shoulder as he held her careful. "I love you," He'd whisper as he sensed her drawing away from him.

"Love you too, babe." She'd smile and there would be one more kiss exchanged between them before she was forcing herself out the door.

 _Espresso Yourself_ _Coffee Shop and Café_

He'd gone back to bed like she'd instructed him to and he'd gotten a more than decent three hours of sleep before his body clock was screaming at him to wake up and he'd gone on a run around what he'd realize was his new neighborhood now as he jogged across battered sidewalks line with old brick buildings that obviously had stories to tell. It had also served as a reminder that he had some loose ends to tie up and a three mile loop back to their apartment, long shower, and one quick text would have him driving to a neutral location, a coffee shop next to his school.

He was already sitting at a table tucked in the back left corner when he saw her come in and he'd give a quick wave of his hand to let her know where he was before adjusting uncomfortably in his seat as he watched her place her order at the the counter, point at the table where he sat to indicate where they should drop it off, and then make her way over to him, red hair bouncing behind her as she wore it down today.

Rachel was a safe choice and she'd make some man very happy one day. There was a point in his life where Jay might have hoped he'd be that man but those days were long since gone. The man he was now would grow bored of her quickly. Especially now that he'd been with Erin, who'd challenged and pushed him in ways he'd never been before. There was something to be said about loving someone who forced you to be a better version of yourself.

He was never good at confrontation and he fought his gentlemanly instincts to rise from his chair to greet her and pull out the one meant for her like his mother had taught him to. He didn't need her getting any more wrong ideas about his intentions out of this encounter. "Rachel," He'd greet gently and before he could go on, she was talking.

"I was so excited to get your text." She'd gush, placing her overpriced leather handbag on the table in front of her so she could shrug off the linen jacket that had been draped around her shoulders. "In fact, there's this lecture tonight on campus about Guerilla Leaders of the Civil War, I know you'll find it fascinating, I thought we could go to it and then I could, cook for you; at my place." There would be more than subtle suggestiveness in her voice then. "If I remember correctly, you rain checked me the last time I offered to cook you pad Thai at my apartment and in a way, you sort of owe me."

Any doubts he had over her innocence would be completely gone and he's shift uncomfortably against the purple velvet fabric that coated the seat of his chair. "I have plans tonight, every night, actually. That's why I texted you, really." Better to dig right in than sugar coat or beat around the bush. "You didn't seem to understand about Erin and I earlier, so I thought maybe I'd explain it again. She is my girlfriend but beyond that; I'm in love with her and we're moving in together. It was great running in to you the other day and I will always respect you as an intellectual, but our relationship ends after this conversation. I can't disrespect the woman I love by carrying on a friendship with someone who didn't respect her or my relationship enough not to try to cross the boundaries I was clearly setting." He'd be thankful for the arrival of the waitress, setting down what he'd smell to be a chai tea latte in front of Rachel.

"Jay," The way she laughed would remind him why he hadn't pursued her more when they'd first met. There was a muggy air of condescension that seemed to follow her. "I wasn't trying to overstep any sort of boundaries. But you and I, we have a very real connection. If you didn't feel it, you wouldn't be here. Let's be honest." She'd say, reaching across the table to take his hand in her own but he'd retract his away before she had the chance to make such intimate contact.

"I was trying to be more courteous to you than to just dismiss you in a text message. I felt, for some reason, that I owed you more than that because we respect one another, but clearly the respect is a one way street." He'd keep his voice quiet, not wanting to cause a scene and he'd consider briefly that it would make sense to leave now, before he got more heated.

"That's not fair! I do respect you but come on! You and I, quaint coffee house, it takes me back. We sat in a place a lot like this, having some of the best conversations of my life." She'd muse, tucking some of her fiery hair back behind her ear. "Listen; I read the stories about the shooting, I know that Erin is the one you saved." He wouldn't necessarily appreciate the way she'd said his girlfriend's name but he'd fight to ignore it. "You have always had a hero complex Jay. Some small part of you has to think that maybe the reason you love her is because of what you went through together and I'm not saying that it wasn't real and profound, but, is it enough?"

The thin veil of kindness that had been evident in the rest of his words would be completely gone now. "Rachel, don't think that because three years ago we discussed George Pickett and Robert E. Lee over chai lattes just like the one you ordered today means that you understand the workings of my mind or my feelings. What did you think? That taking me down memory lane would make me doubt my feelings for the woman I love?" With that he'd rise from the too small chair he'd just occupied and even though he was seething with anger, he would keep his voice neutral. A skill he hadn't always possessed or exercised. "I don't love Erin because I saved her or because we experienced a profound tragedy together that bonded us. Loving her was inevitable. If tragedy hadn't brought us together, something else would have, I can promise you that." He'd push the chair in, raise the brown mug to his lips to finish the rest of his coffee, and then deposit his mug back on to the table. "Goodbye, Rachel." He'd say definitively and as he exited the small shop to stroll back to his car, he'd delete her contact information from his phone.

 _Erin Lindsay's Apartment_

She'd asked him to make himself at home as soon as possible so after leaving the café he'd gone back to his apartment to grab a few pertinent items to transport to her place, to join his record player which he'd retrieved the day before, telling her she just had to listen to the vintage Tom Petty vinyl he'd gotten for a steal off eBay.

He'd find a home on her built in shelf for some of his favorite books and put some folded clothes into the drawer she'd cleaned out for him. They'd stay in touch via text throughout the day and she'd even call him during a particularly boring lull when the rest of the team were off chasing leads and she'd been trapped at her desk given her present condition. He'd been tempted to tell her about his meeting with Rachel but the phone call wasn't the right way and neither was a text, so he'd be satisfied instead to hear her giggle as he occupied her with an embarrassing story about his first year teaching.

She'd leave the district around five but she wouldn't tell him that she'd left because she had things to take care of first. The errands she'd run on her way home would have her ambling in around six thirty, carrying a brown bag baring the logo of a restaurant down the block from their place in one hand while a hot pink bag covering her other purchases sat tucked under the opposite armpit. "Honey, I'm home!" She'd announce in a sing-song, which would prompt him to rise from the couch and move to meet her at the entranceway. She wouldn't even let him get out the word hello before she was launching into her very own Jay Halstead style rambling, "A lot of people probably just assume that Caesar salads are named for Julius Caesar but in actuality; the Caesar salad was invented In Mexico. Now, there is no definitive proof but it's generally accepted that an Italian-American man named Caesar Cardini invented the salad in 1924 in Tijuana, Mexico where he owned a restaurant. Like many business owners in Tijuana, which was starting to thrive as a tourist destination, he'd been working hard to attract Americans frustrated by Prohibition." During her story telling, she'd walked him backwards down the hallway until they'd reached the couch and as she'd punctuated that last word, she was opening the large brown bag to produce two salads. The shit eating grin on his face would only grow as she carried on and they both sank onto her couch. "The exact story is disputed, but the general consensus is that over that Fourth of July weekend, Cardini invented the dish by accident when he'd thrown together a bunch of ingredients he had on hand to create a salad for a big group of guests and served his concoction to his friends. The original recipe included romaine lettuce, fresh garlic, croutons, parmesan cheese, boiled eggs, olive oil and Worcestershire sauce. Long story long, his friends loved it and he started serving it in his restaurant. Though the recipe has obviously been adapted over the years, it still bares the popular name dating back to the twenties." She'd beam with pride as she wrapped up her tale. It was what she'd spent the better part of her desk duty memorizing like a script once she'd made it through the mounds of paperwork Hank had left for her. She'd actually breezed through most of it, mostly out of sheer determination to prove her value and efficiency, but it had left her bored.

That boredom would be productive though, because it had given her time to ponder how she make things up to him. It had found her looking into stories about different foods she could easily obtain from restaurants near _their_ place and when she'd searched the story about her favorite salad, she'd actually been intrigued by it.

"You have legitimately never been more sexy to me and you were just talking about salad," He'd admit, a look of awe written across his face as he reached over for her, placing a hand on her thigh as he leaned in to kiss her. It would be worth it to ignore the sharp pain radiating from her ribs that had dulled slightly over the last couple days, but made itself clearly known as she quickly became breathless from the passionate kisses he was bestowing upon her lips and the slight bulge she'd felt when her hand had rolled across his lap. She'd give a suggestive smile as her eyes took note of his obvious desire but she'd find no shame in the sly, devious smile that still played on his lips.

"Wait, there's more." She'd promise, eyes shining at him as she leaned forward to grab the pink plastic bag that contained the rest of her surprise. "You told me once, something that stuck with me even though it was probably insignificant to you. We were lying in your bed and it was raining really hard and the wind was smacking a tree branch against the window and neither of us could fall asleep. It was you who had finally complained but, only because I had huffed and puffed about it passive aggressively for long enough that you'd been compelled to shut me up more than the branch." They'd both laugh because even if he hadn't been able to summon the exact memory she was recalling, he could certainly find validity in her description. "Either way, you got up and got the record player and brought it in and you said, When in doubt, drown things out with music." She smiled gently. "Still up for debate whether you meant me or the branch, but nevertheless, I find myself doing that a lot now and I have to admit, it helps. But you've also shown me that music is good for more than that. You can, express things. Feelings that maybe you can't articulate. Or, apologies you aren't used to giving." Those words would be a confession of her intentions behind all of this. "I went in the record store and I wasn't sure what I was looking for and then this song came on and there was this tattooed girl with huge gauges in her ears and Technicolor hair that she was absolutely rocking who was singing along. So, I asked her who it was and she led me a few aisles over, handed me this record, and when I saw the name of the song it was just…" She shrugged and placed the still bound in plastic white vinyl case. "Track four."

He'd flip it over and read the track's title out loud. "Enough for You." He'd read the words in a esteemed whisper.

"That's what I want to be," She'd start. "I was so paranoid about being perfect but you don't need or even want me to perfect, you've made that clear. So I think, instead, I'll settle on being enough, if that works for you."

"You're more than enough," He'd assure her, but he could appreciate the sentiment and even though she'd urged him to go put the record on he wouldn't be able to stop himself from dragging her into his lap and kissing her as passionately as fractured ribs would allow. "You are incredible." He'd whisper into her lips, drawing back to look at her with stunned reverence. "You honestly don't even realize how amazing you are and it is baffling because you think it's me who is perfect, but god damn it, it's you who is."

They'd kiss awhile longer and then he's be curious to hear the song that had struck her so much in the record store and he'd take it out of it's case, appreciating the fresh newness of it before placing it into the record player and dropping the needle down. It would take some finagling but he'd get it to the fourth track and then settle down next to her to take in the lyrics.

The entire song would speak to both of their hearts but it was the repeated chorus that really struck a chord with her and by the third time it had come around, she'd finally have the courage to whisper-sing the words to him much like he had during their sweet slow dance in Wisconsin, her eyes closed as their foreheads pressed together. The words may have been the songs lyrics already, but as they spilled sweetly from her lips, they'd read like a promise. " _And I won't leave your side. And I will be there for you. And I will always care for you."_

As that track faded into the next one, she'd draw herself back and her eyes would open to find his. "I can't promise you this will be easy or even always fun, but it will be an adventure. And I can promise you all three of those things from that song will always be true. I will always be by your side and there for you and there is nothing that could ever make me stop caring about you. There is not a lot in this world I'm sure about or even comfortable investing any part of myself in. But then, there's you, and I'd gladly spend an embarrassing amount of time reading about the history of Ceasar salad to impress you, because you make me want to be better and more thoughtful. You make me want to show you how much I love you and that's new for me, but I really like it. And I'm sorry for flipping out on you the other night and not respecting you or the way you handled things with Rachel. I was projecting my own shit on you and it wasn't fair."

Now would be as good of time as any to bring up his café confrontation. "You weren't wrong though, Erin. You were right about her. She had no intention of keeping things platonic. But I clarified things with her today. I met her for coffee and explained to her that you are my one great love. When she had no respect for that I put her in her place and left. Suffice to say, we won't be dealing with her again."

It would be her turn to wear a giant smile on her face. "I'm your one great love?" She'd hone in on his phrasing there and decide that as satisfied as she'd been by what he'd told her about Rachel, the woman didn't merit being brought up any further tonight. "I think you take back the perfect title for that alone." She'd grin, her hands coming up to his face, her thumb brushing appreciatively over the three days old scruff that outlined his jawbone. "Does this mean you accept my apology?"

"Of course," He'd grin, leaning forward to grab the to-go containers holding their dinners and handing one to her along with a fork. "I mean the commitment to the history of the Caesar salad alone already took my breath away. The rest of it was just an added bonus. And interestingly enough, I did not know any of that. So, it is the apprentice who teaches the master this time around." He'd grin, more at the smile and laugh that had come from her than at his own lame joke. "But really, I'm blown away at the thoughtfulness of everything you did tonight and trust me when I say, it will all be reciprocated soon." He'd promise, studying her carefully as he took a bite. He couldn't let himself be outdone, not even by her!

They'd listen to the rest of the Josh Radin album she'd purchased for him as the ate their meal and she would groan about how she hadn't thought about dessert and it wouldn't take too much pouting of her bottom lip to convince him to run out for ice cream.

He'd find that there was one more part to her plan when he got back with the pints of cookies and cream and cookie dough ice creams she'd been unable to decide between. He'd deposit them on the kitchen counter as he wandered past the living room to head to their bedroom where she'd called out to him. Halfway there, he'd double back to place their dessert in the freezer because he'd be hit with realization that her plan was probably going to delay their consumption of it. He'd be more than okay with that and the assumptions he'd make as he walked down the hall would only serve to grow his smile and desire for her simultaneously.

His breath would be taken away as he caught sight of her clad in pair of too high heels and a pair of panties that were mostly straps made of thin black fabric held together by tiny lace bows and little else. Even battered, broken, and bruised, she was stunningly beautiful. "I couldn't get the top on, but, I didn't think you'd mind too much." She'd remark with an extra amount of rasp, turning to face him, tossing her brown hair behind her shoulders so he could take in the view. He'd swallow hard and take the time to slowly cast his eyes over every inch of her taut, petite frame and the obvious reaction had grown evident in the front of his pants as he pulled his shirt off and moved closer to her.

"You are so sexy," He'd growl, his lips finding hers as his fingers hooked under the strings that separated her from him now. "The things I want to do to you right now," He'd find himself muttering those words into the space between her breasts where his lips would settle familiarly.

"Show me," She'd tempt, but he'd shake his head.

"It'll hurt you," He'd reply regretfully, his fingers running deftly over her bruised side. There was little sweet or romantic about the way he desired to bend her over the side of the bed and make her moan his name as loudly as she had when they'd found ardent release behind the massive windows of the cabin weeks ago.

"It's okay, I want it." She'd urge, pushing him back towards the bed. And she did want it, so badly. So much more than her battered body was willing to allow. A lesser man would've ignored her pain in favor of her verbal confirmation but he couldn't stand the thought of causing her pain, even if it would bring her pleasure at the same time.

"Babe," He'd groan as she moved to sit on top of him, weakening his resolve. "I want to, but we shouldn't…" His words would be cut off by her lips crashing down onto his, until her teeth were tugging at his bottom lip playfully. "But I can tell you all the things I want to do to you when you're feeling better and we can find a creative solution to—" She would silence him with the kiss she pressed to the place behind his ear, her tongue coming out to reinforce his cooperation and adherence to her desires, which she wasn't going to hear no to.

"If it hurts, I'll stop." She promised, placing his hands on her hips again. "But right now, it feels really good." She'd confess, her voice husky with desire, and he would need no other encouragement to find his tongue reacquainting itself with her breast as his fingers tried to undo the bows that held her panties together. He'd find it nearly impossible to preform both of these feats at once so his mouth would briefly abandon it's occupation of her nipple in favor of riding her of the sexy fabric that she'd laced herself into in his absence.

"How could you think you're not enough for me?" He'd say as his lips climbed hungrily across her collar bones until they'd found a spot on her neck to suck and nip at to drive her crazy. "I could consume you for hours and never have my fill." He'd explain, his lips finding hers again as he undid the last bow and then cast offending fabric to the side.

His hands would trail down her leg to remove her heels but she'd jerk her foot back and remark, "Leave them." The words would come out in a rushed whisper that would have him growling into her neck with growing lust.

His desire for her had developed fully in those moments and she moved off of him only to remove his tented pants and then she was back in his lap, gripping his shoulders as she lowered herself down once again. "I love you," She'd moan into the gasp that his entering her would elicit and again, they'd move slowly together with her setting the pace. Even if they were both hungry for something rougher and faster , they could appreciate how good it felt to take this slow and purposeful. Lust and desire would quickly be replaced by feelings of love and gratitude as he explored her body with his hands, lips, and tongue while her hips did most of the work. No matter the position, she'd never be disappointed by where their love making took her. Even with her in control, he'd find a way to stay in charge and the way he whispered sweet nothings into her ear would be enough to send her over the edge. "Not yet," She'd moaned as his thumb had come to join the party and she'd been milliseconds from an orgasm when she'd knocked it away. "I want us to cum together," She'd say breathily against his ear before her teeth were tugging at his lobe playfully. That would turn him on even more, if that were possible, and his hands would tangle into her hair as she found hard and somehow managed to hold back her own orgasm until he'd muttered the words _I'm close_ into her hair and the motivation of her own moans finally being free to fall from her perfect lips had fully sent him over the edge as well. Once they'd cum together and he'd laid her back down against the pillows, she'd look up into his eyes as he moved the hair out of them. Even in the dark room, she could see him clearly, her lips finding his gently a few times, not ready to fully break the connection they'd just created. Palpable energy surrounded them now, it seemed.

"You are perfect for me, you know. I'll remind you of that every day if you need me to, though." He'd say into the quiet darkness that surrounded them. "I thought I lost my soul when I was a Ranger. But you have to have a soul to have a soul mate, so, thanks for helping me find that part of myself again."

She'd push herself back against his chest, using his bicep as a pillow as she took advantage of all available modes of closeness. "You are all heart and soul, birthday angel. I'll remind you of that every day if you need me to, though." And with that echo of his own sentiments to her, she'd let her heavy eyelids close and the soft kisses he pressed across her shoulders and the back of her neck would serve as a lullaby that would lull her to sleep, yet wake up asking for ice cream for breakfast.


	12. Chapter 12

_Erin and Jay's Apartment_

Two weeks would go by, filled with many late nights at work for her but nearly all of his things had been moved over and they'd upgrade her guestroom with some of his furniture and he'd spend most of his free time selling the items they had doubles of. But his free time had become less and less over the last two weeks because he'd taken a job, teaching summer school.

Well, teaching was a word that could be used very loosely in this situation because he was essentially getting paid $120 a day to monitor kids as they made up credits via virtual school in the school's computer lab. It was by no means meaningful work but he wasn't in a position to turn down extra money, especially when it was easy, and it gave him a chance to reconnect with some students that could use motivating. Besides, it gave him something productive to do during the days instead of moping around missing Erin or wondering what she was up to. He wasn't sure when it became such a lovesick puppy, but he also wasn't sure he completely hated it.

For the most part, the entire thing had been rewarding but today, he'd received some news that would bring up all of the darkness that lay latent inside of him thanks to therapy sessions and support groups .The part of him she'd tried to scare out not too long ago was here now, whether either of them really wanted him to be or not.

It had been his principal who'd given him the news and the dryness that had formed in his mouth hadn't left since he'd heard the words and neither had the deafening sound of his heartbeat, which echoed in his ears. He couldn't tell you what had happened after he'd been told, thankful it had happened at the end of the school day, but somehow he'd drive himself home in stunned silence and it wasn't until he'd took himself off of autopilot and ended up on their couch that he'd feel the full weight of those words. He wouldn't cry, not yet at least. Instead, he'd sit on the couch in stunned, disbelieving silence, running through in his mind all the ways that he'd failed yet again. Reminding himself, for hours, why he was a fraud. Why he was anything but the hero so many people had made him out to be not just in the weeks since the shooting, but any time they found out he was an Army Ranger. He'd attempt to get off the couch several times, find something to drown his sorrows in, or to pick up his phone and reach out to the _only_ person he'd find respite in, but he'd find each effort fruitless. He hadn't allowed himself to give in to the sadness yet, he was stuck in the realm of self-deprecation that was somehow easier to deal with then the actual grief that was rising in him with each moment even as he'd tried to suffocate it. He'd finally break down after he'd been perched stiffly on the couch for two hours and after the floodgates had opened; every ounce of pain and repressed sadness and anger would come out of him.

When she'd gotten home she'd find every light in the apartment shut off and as she ventured inside she'd figure that he wasn't there. It was why she'd be completely startled to find him sitting in stark silence, still on the couch hours later, now enveloped in total darkness. "Jesus, Jay! You're lucky I already took off my gun!" She'd gasp, practically leaping out of her skin with shock before turning on the lamp next to the couch. When she saw the redness in his eyes and tearstains on his face her attitude would shift from startled annoyance to soft concern. "What's happened?" She asked, recognizing the tell tale signs of tragedy written into his face.

He didn't say anything at first, she wasn't sure he'd even heard her because he'd just stared blankly in front of him, focusing on a point on the wall instead of acknowledging her, or perhaps he was looking at nothing at all. "Jay?" She'd say his name three more times and the panic would grow in her tone with each repetition. Even as she sunk down onto her knees in front of him, he'd continue to look past her.

She'd grab his face with both her hands and shift his gaze towards hers "He's dead." The words would be his only offering before he was breaking down again and she shifted herself to sit on the couch and pull him against her. She'd be surprised he'd accept the comfort she offered given his current state and he'd clutch the fabric of her shirt were it sat snuggly against her back as he sought solace in her chest. She wasn't sure what to do or say really, so she'd stick to rubbing his back and tangling her fingers in the hair at the back of his neck until his shoulders had stopped shaking and he was retracting himself away from her embarrassed and outraged by his outburst and lack of control over his emotions. She wouldn't mind in the least, but unanticipated vulnerability was far out of his comfort zone and the results of being shoved so far away from that safe space wouldn't be a pleasant experience for anyone, of that he'd make sure.

She was still trying to figure out how to ask him for more information when he offered it up, even if he'd created unnecessary space between them and seemed to refuse to look at her as he spoke again. ""Tre Dobbins. He killed himself." It would take her mere seconds to realize why that name was familiar to her. Tre Dobbins had shot Jay, but the bullet had been meant for her. Regardless of the exceedingly unfortunate circumstances under which she'd met the boy and the less than impressive first impression he'd given her, she knew that Jay loved him so she'd be heartbroken even if her natural inclinations would normally have had her leaning towards a more vengeful way of thinking.

"Oh Jay, I'm so—" She wouldn't get to finish her sentence with the word sorry as intended, because he'd speak again before she was finished.

"He hung himself with a bed sheet, from the window of his cell." Despite the fact that it felt as though he'd been punched in the gut with every word he spoke of that sentence, he'd keep his tone even. "He was just a kid, Erin." His eyes would finally find hers but it would be the worst thing that could've happened because he knew he didn't deserve the softness he found there and now that his dark part of him had been let out, he would find a way to sabotage this moment.

"Another person I've let down. Let fall through the cracks because I was too busy with my own life to care about theirs. Too busy caring about you, focusing every ounce of myself on _us_ that I didn't leave room for anyone else." He wouldn't dare look at her as those words came out of his mouth like the bullets he'd intended them to be. It was harsher than she deserved, he knew it, but misplacing his anger was his present goal and she was an easy target.

His words would punch her in the gut this time. She'd fight the tears that wanted to let pour down her face because this wasn't about her and she wouldn't dare to cheapen what he was going through by letting herself cry and make this about her. He was angry and his words were a manifestation of that; even knowing that though, she'd find they cut her deeply. "I'm sorry you feel that way." She'd say gently, her arms coming to cross protectively around her chest as if that action alone could protect her heart.

He still couldn't look at her because if he did he'd surely lose his nerve and right now, he wanted pain and misery to fully consume him. He wanted there to be nothing but darkness left of him. He'd scoff at her apology, her attempt to diffuse the situation, but he knew her resolve was weak and that if he picked at her a little bit more, he'd get the reaction he wanted. He could make her lose it and yell and say the terrible things he wanted to hear right now. She wasn't as strong as he was when it came to keeping it together. That's what the terrible, awful voices in his head would say to convince him to press forward. "You're sorry I feel that way? Look at you trying to remain levelheaded. Let's hear what you really want to say, babe. You wanted a fight. Here it is."

In that moment, she'd honestly wish she were the kind of person who could back down from a challenge such as the one he'd just laid down before her. But she wasn't. The same part of her that made her a spitfire during raids and investigations would cause her temper to flare in a way that would cloud her judgment. "Fuck you." She'd say coldly, all the sympathy she felt for him leaving her. Her first articulation would be surprisingly tame, honestly, probably the best he could've hoped for if he hadn't been wanting to piss her off, get her to say something terrible that he deserved.

"Our love is so beautiful that it cost a teenage boy his life," The laugh that accompanied that statement would disgust them both.

"He cost _himself_ his life, literally. He did it twice. When he fired a gun at a Chicago police officer, an act that would obviously rob him of a real chance at life outside the system; and then today when he took the cowards way out." She hadn't meant for those words to be as insensitive as they'd come out but, she was angry and she'd spent the better part of the last three hours interrogating a pedophile who'd finally give them the location of his victim and they'd arrive at the abandoned refrigerator at the back of the junk yard he'd pointed them to too late. His blue lips and gray skin would still haunt her, even now, as she'd grow increasingly blinded by rage. She was already in a dark place when she'd stepped into their apartment; she needed very little pushing to tip over the edge. His pressing hadn't made her anxious tendency to lash out any quieter. In fact, she'd welcome all of this, because the overwhelming nature of it all would numb her enough that she wouldn't feel the heaviness of her day or the way his harsh, meaningless words would destroy her.

"The cowards way out?" He wasn't nearly as desensitized to these things as she was. Tre Dobbins wasn't the first person she'd encountered who'd take his own life in a prison cell and she was certain he wouldn't be the last. "He was a child, Erin!"

"A child who shot you in the fucking shoulder. A child who was trying to shoot me in the fucking head! A child who could have easily ended one or both of our lives that day! Forgive me for not being more sympathetic, but life's a bitch sometimes. You do bad things to people, it catches up to you. That's fucking justice! I'm sorry that he's gone, but more because now he won't have to face what he did to us than that he's dead. I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings, but what the fuck do you want me to say?"

"You were a child when _you_ did horrible things." He wasn't even sure where that statement had come from and as soon as the words had left his mouth he would wish he could shove them back in. He'd gone too far. Why had he said that?

"You're right, Jay. I did do terrible things." She'd begin, without missing a beat, even if the sting of his words would legitimately shake her to her core. If he'd wanted to get to her, he certainly had. However, even shrouded in a darkness such as this, she could still feel the love she had for him. So instead of lashing back with something equally hurtful, or picking at the vulnerable parts of him he'd shared, she'd opt for a more mature way of ending this conversation. He wasn't this person, of that she was sure. But, she'd invited this version of them into her life and now she was realizing exactly why he'd chosen to keep it hidden. If nothing else, she'd learn her lesson to accept the 'perfect' during their fights, because she wasn't sure she could survive another round of this.

Jay wasn't wrong, technically. She had done a lot of terrible things as a kid. Much like Tre Dobbins, she'd been a victim of circumstance. Bunny wasn't exactly winning any awards for being mother of the year and she was by no means a role model either. However, as Erin had grown up she'd come to accept the fact that she'd made the choice to do those bad things and she couldn't just blame her shitty upbringing, absentee father, or terrible mother as the reason she'd done them. She'd attempt to explain that to him now; to explain herself in a way she hadn't to anyone before. "By the time I was fourteen, I'd been arrested four…no five times. Age 12; retail theft. I tried to steal a tube top and pair of short shorts to wear to Gina Dockett's roller-skating birthday party. Next would be the time I got charged with a simple battery at age 13, for a fight I got into when two girls jumped me after school. They jumped me and I still caught a charge because I broke one girl's nose and the other's arm and just because I made it out with only a black eye, the cop bought their story that I'd started the whole thing. Age 14, now that's where I really kicked it up a notch, three arrests that year. Misdemeanor for of possession of cannabis charge because a had a half ounce in my purse and some grape flavored rolling papers so they slapped me with a paraphernalia charge too. But then, the really good one comes in. It was the one that brought Hank into my life. Two separate solicitation charges; as in I was the one soliciting sex, to get drugs. Specifically those time for the purpose of getting heroine. So you're right Jay. I was a fuck up when I was Tre's age and well before. I was dirty and addicted and generally horrible. But you know what I never did? I never fucking pointed a gun at someone. Or shot them. I never, _ever_ wanted to end someone's life to impress people. That's what he wanted to do, to get his stripes he said. He wanted to shoot _me_ in the fucking face and hoped it would end my life, just because I'm a cop! So I'm sorry he died. I really fucking am. Probably slightly more for your sake then his, if I'm being honest. But at the end of the day I'm glad it's him that's dead and not us and I don't care if that makes me a cold hearted bitch." By the time she'd finished she was shaking, she'd risen from the place where she'd been sitting on the couch and had started pacing sometime throughout the delivery of all that truth.

Her words would sober him enough that he would wish with ever fiber of himself that he could take back every terrible thing he'd said to her, but especially that last accusation he'd lobbed at her in desperation. He had worked so hard to not be this man anymore, to not take his shit out on people who didn't deserve it, but he'd tried especially hard with her. But, he'd still allowed himself to use her as a punching bag to the fullest extent tonight. How could he have let it go that far? He'd finally cast his eyes up to look at the rage that burned in her own and even though he knew she wouldn't be receptive to it, or even want to hear it, he'd speak. "I'm sor—"

"Nope." She'd shake her head forcefully as she interrupted him. "Fuck you, Jay." She'd basically spit his name out. She didn't hate him, well, maybe a little in this present moment, but she knew it would pass. Somehow, even though he had possibly hurt her more than Bunny had ever managed to, she wouldn't want him to leave. "Go to bed. Sleep it off. I'll talk to you when I can stand to look at you again."

"Erin please I shouldn't have—"

Again, she wouldn't allow him to finish. "I don't want to hear it right now, Jay! Leave me alone or I swear to you I will walk out that door and I will do something stupid that we'll probably both regret." It wasn't a threat, it was a promise, and he knew that. He'd appreciate the fact that she hadn't kicked him out and he'd slink back to their room and climb into bed. He'd wait for her to join him but she wouldn't and sometime later he'd hear the faint sound of the TV on in the living room and the sound of her cracking open a can of beer, which would serve as her liquid dinner for the night. He wanted nothing more than to go out there and join her, wrap her in his arms and apologize, but he knew better than to push her.

Repeatedly, he'd turn over the question of 'what have I done' in his mind. Somehow his body would betray him and allow him respite in the form of sleep. He'd awake around four o'clock to find she'd never joined him but the TV was shut off, he could tell because he'd awoken to deafening silence. Uneasiness would draw him from their bed and he'd move as quietly as he could down the hallway where he'd find her asleep on the couch, her neck contorted uncomfortably against a throw pillow, a too-thin blanket draped over her. He should've demanded she take the bed and he'd have half a mind to wake her up and do that right now, but as work had been going for her lately, she'd probably only get another hour of sleep before her phone was buzzing, rousing her from restless slumber to tackle her day. It seemed that those committing heinous crimes in Chicago weren't necessarily very considerate in their time choices for executing them. So instead he'd let her sleep, retreat momentarily to the guest room to grab the comforter and put it over her small frame, and he'd stand there observing the rise and fall of her chest once his eyes had adjusted to relative darkness, interrupted only by the faint glow of streetlamps coming in through the window. He'd leave only when the tears had come again because instead of letting her be there for him and strong like he'd forced upon her so many times, he'd torn her down and pushed her away in the worst possible fashion. He was no better now then the man he'd yelled at in her bullpen or the woman who'd pull her in just to push her further away again. He'd joined the list of people who'd used and abused her, in his eyes. He wasn't sure that he ever wanted to forgive him for that. He was certain he wouldn't deserve it. That grief would weigh just as heavily on him as the pain of losing Tre did.

At some point his tears would turn into sobs again and he would only vaguely realize that he'd heard the sound of her enter the room when the shower had turned on and he felt her small hands pulling him up into a seated position. He'd be lost again, down that rabbit hole of all consuming posttraumatic stress, numb to everything around him. Hours had past since he'd left her sleeping on the couch, yet it felt as though it was only five minutes.

She wouldn't say a word to him as she undressed him. He was still clad in a grey striped polo shirt tucked in to khaki pants fastened by a belt. Despite waking up still hurt and angry, she'd take great care in riding him of each of those items and of his boxers as well before she was leading him to the shower and helping him in. He'd tug desperately at her hand, hoping she would join him, but she'd shake her head and retract her arm quickly away from his and close the curtain. She loved him enough to take care of him, but she was not even close to ready to let this all go, not yet. Even though she'd stayed silent, she'd communicate that to him rather effectively. That would break his heart all over again.

Just as the tears were about to come again though, she'd reenter that bathroom, tug the curtain back and look right into his eyes as she spoke. "I love you." Her delivery would be fast and devoid of the emotion and tenderness with which she'd usually say those words, and before he could reciprocate them she was closing the curtain and leaving him alone.

Those words though, would bring _him_ back. Back to the harsh reality of everything that had happened and he'd grow angrier himself, but still he'd be somewhat relieved. She loved him, in spite of everything. Beyond that, she'd loved him enough to remind him of that before she left. Loved him enough to help him into the stream of warm water that would resuscitate him. By the time that water had grown cold he'd be himself again. He was now the in-control version, able to carefully sift through and process feelings of sadness and pain in the right way instead of sinking further into the PTSD induced clusterfuck he'd created.

Erin wasn't the type of girl whose forgiveness you could buy and Jay wasn't the type of man to think flowers or jewelry could truly fix anything. But how did you fix something you'd broken on purpose? If her feelings were a vase, he'd thrown them on the ground at her feet and made sure they could both see them fracture into a million pieces. What words would ever be enough to fix what he'd broken?

 _Antonio's Gym_

Today would have her wishing she'd been woken early by a call asking her to head to a crime scene. Her body had still woken up well before it needed to and she was still just as hurt and angry as she'd been when she'd fallen asleep last night. Her lack of sleep was probably from missing his tall frame curled next to her, more than from going to bed angry. She'd padded down the hallway to their room with great trepidation, but as soon as she'd heard him crying, she'd feel an overwhelming urge to comfort him, even after everything that had transpired between them.

So, even though she wanted to bring him all sorts of pain, she'd surprise herself and take the high road. It was why she'd helped him undress and get in the shower and also why she'd doubled back to make sure he knew she still loved him, because as mad as she was she still did. And if the situation were reversed, she knew how much it would've meant to her to hear that.

Even though she wouldn't need to be into the office until 7:30, she'd still leave the apartment just after five. She might still love the man, but she could still hardly stand to look at him. So she'd driven to her partner's gym and she'd put her headphones into her ears and lost herself on the elliptical for an hour and a half. Running would get some of her frustration out, but not all. It would help her to accept the fact that, after all the times she'd launched things at people purely out of anger, that maybe she should be a little more understanding of him losing control in the same way.

She figured she could let out the rest of her anger on one of the bags hanging in the next room, but she'd find she wasn't alone as she stepped off the machine in favor of her new plan. Adam hadn't attempted to make his presence known when he'd first shown up because the ferocity of movement in her arms and legs against the tread and handles had indicated she wasn't in a great place. But, when she'd yanked one headphone out, he'd done the same and he'd also dropped his speed to a walk on the treadmill he occupied a few feet away from her. "You okay?" He'd asked, tilting his head to the side as she made her way down to the last treadmill in the row, where he'd purposely picked as not disturb her.

"Not really." She sighed, readjusting the bun she'd tugged her hair into when she'd started. "I got into a pretty huge fight with Jay. He…" She'd pause to consider how many details she'd like to divulge and she'd end up finishing her sentence with, "…said some things. Things he didn't mean, but." She'd shrug. Adam was well aware of her propensity to hold a grudge, especially when someone had actually wronged her.

"It's about time he proved he was human." Adam would supply simply, but he could tell she wasn't much in the mood for playing around at this current juncture. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really." She'd repeat again, and her shoulders would shrug once more. "But I'd love to beat the shit out of something right now?" He'd give her a nervous glance and she'd smirk and add, "Not you, idiot." She'd cast him a look that would ask him to join her in the next room and he'd dial the speed of the machine down to zero before moving to get off and follow her.

He'd hold the bag while she worked out her frustration on it. After several rounds, he was sure she should've been too exhausted to continue, but her fists would keep slamming against the black fabric until he noticed that tears had started to fall down her cheeks and his voice would be soft as it came again. "Erin, talk to me." He'd offer gently, his face contorting into his own look of pain at seeing her like this.

"I'm fine!" She'd promise but her words wouldn't convince either of them of that.

"If you don't want to talk, at least let me hug you!" It would be a demand and he'd be surprised to find her small, sweaty frame against him moments later, her head resting against his own damp t-shirt. His arms would wrap around her nonetheless and she would allow him to hold her for only a couple moments until she'd managed to stop crying, even her breath, and collect herself.

"Thanks." She'd mutter, drawing away from him without any other words or acknowledgement. Then she'd start to walk away, to the women's locker room to shower and change into clothes better suited for work, he'd be waiting for her out front when she finally made her way out there and it would work against her hope that he'd have gone back to his workout or left so she wouldn't have to speak to him or concede the moment they'd shared.

"I can respect that you don't want to talk about it, but can you at least tell me if I should kick his ass?" Adam would ask, following behind her as she walked towards her car.

"Nah," She'd actually laugh gently at that though. "I'd be able to kick his ass myself, let's be real." She'd add with a slight smirk. "But, I still love him. I just also kind of hate him right now."

"I seem to exist in that limbo with most of the women I date." He'd offer playfully and she'd be so happy it was him she'd run into and not Antonio because there was no way the former would've let her off the hook without providing more details or offering unsolicited advice that might end up pissing her off. But her counterpart would surprise her by adding one more serious pearl of wisdom to his sentiments as they approached her car. "Listen, I don't know what he did and I'm not going to pretend to have some groundbreaking advice on this but; whatever it was, forgive him. This guy is the real deal, Er. There was a time, not too long ago, I'd have killed to have you look at me the way you look at him." He'd clear his throat uncomfortably but keep talking. "What I'm trying to say is, something tells me he is killing himself for whatever he did to piss you off. Work through it with him. What you have is worth it. Be mad as long as you need to, you can't cut that part short, or it won't be good for anybody. But make sure he knows that the anger will end and he'll still have you. " He'd leave before she could naysay or refute the helpfulness of his words. The act would leave her somewhat dumbfounded because Adam Ruzek was the last person she would ever expect to give such sound advice. She'd turn his words over and over in her mind as she drove to the district though and they'd stick with her most of the day as she worked on paperwork.

Anger seemed to make her surprisingly efficient and she'd flown through her paperwork and as her own way of showing him appreciation, she'd taken some of Adam's off his plate and completed it for him as well. Most of their day would be spent playing catch up from the case they'd wrapped yesterday with an unfortunate end result. It would be the first time you'd ever find Erin Lindsay disappointed in being able to leave work early. But, she wasn't ready to face him yet. Despite spending most of her day reflecting on what happened between them and deciding that no matter what, he… _they_ were worth fighting for, she still wasn't ready to forgive him completely.

 _Erin and Jay's Apartment_

She'd successfully stalled arriving at home by going grocery shopping and taking a painstaking amount of time to compare prices on things just to make the process last a bit longer. Her plan was to straight up ignore him and she'd do so with flawless execution.

He'd thought about calling out of work that day, but he knew he could use a distraction instead of sitting here moping about and breaking himself down about yesterday's transgressions. So he'd made himself get dressed and he'd gone to the place where he'd last seen Tre alive, a thought he should've given more credence to before taking himself there because when that realization finally hit him in the middle of the day, he'd find himself overwhelmed with grief.

He'd spend entirety of his lunch break standing in the spot where Tre had shot him. The place where he'd first laid eyes on the love of his life. The place that had singlehandedly changed his life more than anywhere he'd ever been. More than his tours in Iraq. More than his two week jaunt to Europe after graduating from college where he'd spend time in Amsterdam, England, France, and Germany.

Being in that spot would make him think back to some of the things Erin had expressed the night before and he'd think for a moment about all the ways that fateful day, when they'd first met, could've gone differently. None of the outcomes were good. Either he'd be dead or she would. He'd consider that perhaps the only scenario were Tre didn't end up killing himself was if he'd successfully shot Erin and there was no circumstance where Jay would ever want to trade her life for the boy's, no matter how deeply he cared for him. That realization would have him feeling shitty again and he'd finish the rest of his shift in a similar numbness to the one that he'd felt yesterday.

When he arrived home, he'd be surprised to find that she'd clearly made it there before him, as she'd been getting home well after dark lately and the sun had only just started its descent towards the horizon line. He'd find that she'd gone grocery shopping and even prepared them dinner because he'd find a note taped to the outside of the microwave indicating that the plate inside was for him. Macaroni and cheese from the box was nothing groundbreaking, but he'd still be touched that she'd left some for him. He'd heat it up and eat it standing up ravenously over the sink, realizing he hadn't eaten anything at all that day, before he ventured off to find her. He'd feel like there was a bit of promise given that she wasn't on the couch but as he made his way to their bedroom, he'd find it empty as well. Disappointed, he'd check the only other place she could be and he'd find the door to the guestroom locked. It would indicate to him two things very clearly; that she was in there and didn't want him to be.

Even with his need to fix this overwhelming him, he'd force himself to respect her wishes and instead of knocking he'd left her alone. Rather than retreating to their room, he'd sit on the couch because at the very least he'd be able to see her when she came out to use the bathroom or get a drink. It would take an hour and a half before she'd opened the door to do either of those things and when she'd seen him on the couch she'd instantly turned her head away to avoid looking at him or prompting him to start a conversation with her before disappearing into the bathroom. That act would crush him, but what had he expected? He hadn't said anything to her at all today, he'd realized. So against his better judgment, he'd rise from the couch to wait outside the bathroom door for her and he'd be further be crushed by the look on her face when she found him there. "I'm sorry." He'd force the words out before there was a chance she could leave again before hearing them. But they were said so lamely, so devoid of the actual weight that he'd meant for them to carry.

"Yeah?" She'd sort of glare at him. "Great." She'd add, clearly less than impressed. She'd move to brush past him and he'd reach out for her arm, catching it lightly with his hand at her bicep. He wasn't telling her anything she didn't know. Of course he was sorry. At his core, he was a good man; the best she'd ever met, really. But sometimes, sorry couldn't fix everything, not right away at least.

"I fucking love you." He'd whisper, the gentleness of that confession would make her turn around and she'd find him staring at her with the most pained look on his face, tears threatening again. It would break her heart a little, if she were being honest.

She'd be drawn back to Adam's wise words and she'd force herself to say; "Me too," finally, once her eyes had found his. She couldn't bring herself to _really_ say the words she knew he wanted to hear right now, it would be giving him too much of what he wanted and she was mad enough to be spiteful, still. But, she would move closer to him and she'd rise slowly onto her tiptoes and press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth to emphasize that she really did. But, as soon as she'd commenced that action, she'd ended it and she was disappearing back to the guest room and he'd hear the door lock again, indicating that she was done with him for the moment.

She'd given him enough hope to hold onto though and even though it killed him, he'd find himself climbing into bed alone for a second night. The room was cold and lonely without her in it and sleep was restless for both of them.

That's what would bring her into bed with him around three o'clock. She'd wrestled with the idea of it for an hour before giving in to a desire she was sure he'd share. She'd entered the room quietly, given that he'd left the door open, presumptively for her to do exactly this. She'd tried not to make any contact with his body when she'd gotten in, but he'd feel her presence instantly. He knew better than to ruin this moment with words. He didn't want to do anything to send her out of her just as fast as she'd come in, but he needed to touch her. He'd reach over timidly, his fingers brushing ever so lightly against hers until she'd reacted. He'd expected her to, at the very most, intertwine their fingers. But she'd surprise him because once he'd made contact, shed grabbed his hand and tugged him towards her. "Don't talk to me." She'd warn, as her back came to rest against his bare chest.

He'd smile against the back of her neck. He could stay silent for hours if it meant holding her again, but he'd be the first of them to drift into much needed sleep before too long, and she would be surprised to find just how much she truly did want to forgive him as his warm breath hit the back of her neck therapeutically. Yet she'd also feel disheartened to find just how far she still felt was from being able to do so. Being hurt by words wasn't new to her, sad to say. But being hurt by someone you thought could never sink so low? That was certainly something she'd never dealt with. Even if she could justify to herself that he was sorry and he hadn't meant it, she would still find herself unable to completely move past her resentments. But being in his arms would help some and she decided that, the more she let him in, the easier this might be. It was why, half asleep, she'd roll over to face him and capture his lips in a sleepy kiss before really giving in to sleep herself.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Hello! Firstly I apologize for disappearing without a word and going so long without updating. I have been incredibly busy but that's still no excuse to leave you hanging. Thank you to everyone who reached out in my absence and left reviews or sent messages. You are so sweet and wonderful. I am obviously super sad and heartbroken that Erin Lindsay will be no more. It took some time for me to find my muse again after fully accepting this heartbreaking fact. But, I found it—or some semblance of it; at least I hope. And I plan to, at the very least, finish these two stories I love so much. I'm not sure how many more chapters or how frequently I can update them, but I will bring them to the conclusion they deserve and hopefully one you all can appreciate and understand as well! Even if these are 'just fanfics' they are stories that are very near and dear to my heart. Thank you for sticking by me and I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter. Your thoughts and opinions are always welcome! xoxo**_

 _West Chicago Baptist Church_

Jacinda Washington was too young to have six children, especially with three of them dead due to gang violence. She was a good woman, despite her lack of education and obvious shortcomings. She'd done her best to raise her boys in a home filled with as much love as you could fit in a one bedroom apartment shared by seven people. As much love as you could in a housing development that bred violence and took the innocence from her boys too young when they'd taken the toys from their hands to replace them with guns.

Tre had always been different than his brothers. Sweet, shy, reserved even. He was the one who would help her with the dishes or who she'd catch practicing his times tables while his brothers fought over video game controllers when he was still little. He was the one of all her boys she thought would make it out of the life she herself had never been able to escape.

He was the last of her sons she'd have expected to bring a gun to school. To wield it at a cop. To fire it and have the bullet hit, even if it wasn't the intended target. She'd seen her sons in handcuffs enough times that she should've been desensitized to it, but nothing could've prepared her for the time she'd find Tre in that circumstance. She'd gone to visit him as much as her work schedule and obligations to her other children would allow, but those times had been too far and few between. She'd never have the chance to say a proper goodbye to him when he was still alive.

News of Tre's funeral and memorial service had spread very quickly thanks to the wonders of social media and the teenage obsession with spreading information like wildfire. Jay had heard about it from some of his summer school students and despite how everything had played out, he'd never even considered not going. It wasn't until he was walking up the steps of the old, dank Baptist church that he considered maybe _he_ wouldn't be wanted there. The feelings of shock and despair he'd managed to work through in the past few days had found his breath catching in his throat just as his eyes had met Jacinda's. There was no turning back now, he'd find, as she made her way down the stone staircase to stand in front of him, a plume of cigarette smoke pouring from her lips. "Coach." She'd say, before taking another drag from the stub of cigarette that was burned almost clear down to the filter. "I can't believe you're here." She'd add quietly.

"I—" He wasn't sure what to say in return, or really what she even meant to convey with that statement. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I can leave if you don't want me here." His voice would be quiet. "But, I just came to pay my respects."

"He'd want you here." She responded quickly, carelessly tossing the cigarette butt to the ground and halfheartedly attempting to put it out with her shoe. "I'm glad you're here. Means something to me too." She'd confess, reaching up to place a comforting hand on his forearm. "He wasn't a bad person."

"He was a good kid, that day with the gun? That wasn't him. That's not how I'll remember him." He spoke the words almost as a promise to her, that even if it was just in some small way, he'd keep the good memories of Tre alive.

Some semblance of a smile would grow on her lips and she gave his forearm an appreciative squeeze. "I needed to hear someone else say that." Her eyes grew tearful at that and then she let go of his arm, moving slightly away from him and reaching her hand into her oversized, powder blue handbag. "I just knew you'd come." She whispered gently and once her hand reemerged from the depths of her purse, a worn envelope was in her fingers. "When they gave me his things, this was in it." She said, extending it towards him.

His hand rose to meet hers before his mind had processed any of this moment and before he'd really had time to comprehend what she'd said, the envelope was now tucked into his hand and the word 'coach' was scrawled across the front in handwriting he'd quickly recognize as Tre's. He couldn't tell how long he'd stood there staring at the envelope but when he looked up he'd find that Tre's mother had left him alone and rejoined the collection of what he assumed were her sisters back at the top of the stairs.

He hadn't bothered to mention the memorial to Erin. She'd made her opinions of Tre pretty clear during their fight and beyond that, despite having slept next to him last night, things between them were still strained at best.

He'd only felt her warm body against his for about two hours before he'd woken up to find her gone again, presumably called in early for work. That's why he'd been shocked to feel a hand slide into his as he stood there, still stricken by the envelope that he hadn't dared open yet. He didn't have to look to know it was her, he felt the softness of her hands and the familiar way in which she'd laced her fingers into his. Beyond that, her presence had an immediate calming affect, it could only be her. With a renewed sense of himself at her arrival, he tucked the envelope quickly into his jacket pocket before letting her lead him wordlessly up the stairs and into the awaiting chapel.

Even though it was far from crowded inside the church, they'd sit in a pew towards the back. Conversation wasn't needed right now. As much as he longed to know if this meant things were okay between them now, he'd focus instead on appreciating that she'd shown up for him. His arm would come to drape around her shoulders and her hand would come over to rest gently on his thigh and he'd find it all the comfort he could need as they sat through the memorial service. It didn't matter who it was or how you felt about them; sitting through a memorial for a child was hard on anyone. Erin Lindsay was no exception to this rule. Despite the unfortunate circumstances that had lead them all to this moment, she could still feel grief for the boy; for his mother, for Jay. The palpability of the pain of the later two had sprung tears in her eyes during the service and whether it was wrong or not; he felt relief from her show of emotion.

By the time the service was over, the envelope had practically burned a hole through his jacket pocket. He'd allowed his mind to drift during the ramblings of the preacher to what might be contained inside that stained, worn envelope. He was still lost in such a thought when he felt Erin's elbow dig gently into his side and draw him back to reality and to the people beginning to shuffle past them down the aisle, to exit the church.

They'd join the crowd and as soon as they were outside he'd feel her begin to move away from him, he'd quicken his pace to keep up with her. "Babe, wait." He'd call out to her.

In spite of her better judgment, his words would cause her pace to slow to a stop and she'd turned to look at him. "I have to get back to the office, I'll see you at home." She'd intended that to be the last thing she said but she'd caught the look in his eye that told her he had something important to say, and it was enough to make her falter. "You going to be alright, Jay?" She'd ask more softly, taking a couple steps towards him, closing the expansive gap her speed-walking had created.

He was too distracted to care that she was being dismissive again. "Tre's mom gave me this." He pulled the envelope out of his pocket. "I haven't opened it but observation skills tell me that it's a letter from him."

Erin would briefly let go of all of her anger towards him. She moved even closer; close enough to place a gentle hand onto his forearm. "Oh, wow. That's pretty big." She wasn't sure what to say, honestly. This was huge. It could give him closure or make it all worse. "Are you gonna read it?" It may have seemed like a rather daft and obvious question, but it bore asking.

"I want to. But I also don't. It could be a good thing or a bad thing. Schrodinger's cat." He'd find that his philosophical reference was lost on her, but it would be fruitless for either of them if he took the time to explain so instead, he cast her a wistful glance and began; "Look, baby, I know you're rightfully still very pissed but if you could just sit with me…"

He didn't need to finish; he didn't need to ask, really. Pissed off or not; she'd never make him face this alone, unless it was at his own request. "Of course." Her hand would tuck into his once again and they'd precede together a few more paces to a wooden bench perched a few yards away from their previous spot.

He turned the letter over a few times in his hands before his index finger was sliding under the small opening to rip away at the strip of adhesive that kept both parts of the envelope fastened together. It was a fast process but he'd take his time removing the slightly yellowed lined paper from inside of it and then unfolding them to reveal their contents.

Her hand moved to his back soothingly, beginning to rub gently up and down. She kept her face turned away from the private thoughts she was quite sure had only been intended for Jay's eyes.

 _Coach,_

 _I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should start with an apology you more then deserve. You taught me to be a man and I let you down. I'll never forgive myself for that._

The opening alone had sprung tears in his eyes and he felt suddenly very aware of how public a place they were in, even in the mostly abandoned park across from the now almost completely unoccupied church. This was not the place to read this letter. And he was fairly certain if left to do it himself, he'd never be able to read the whole thing. As two hot tears dropped heavily onto the page, blurring the blue ink of Tre's writing, he immediately folded the note back up and tucked it once more into the envelope. "Not yet." He said softly, his voice hoarse placing the envelope securely back into his suit jacket pocket. Clearing his throat, he seamlessly pulled himself back together.

She was tempted to offer a kiss to soothe his pain but it was only a band aid over everything going on between them; and a temporary fix wouldn't do either of them any good. Even if the part of her that ached for him had grown exceedingly in this endearing moment together, she knew that a real conversation had to take place before she let either of them succumb to carnal desires; they respected each other too much for that. "I'll be here, when you're ready. No matter what." She added the last part as a subtle reminder to him that even if they weren't in the greatest of places, she would always be able to set aside her feelings to support him. She knew he'd do the same for her and the gaze he cast at her now communicated exactly that. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead gingerly before leaning his own against hers.

"I simultaneously love you with every fiber of my being and know in every corner of my brain and heart that I will never deserve you."

"That's kind of funny," Erin admitted with a half-laugh. "I often find myself thinking the exact same thing."

Of course it was when they were finally at the beginnings of a productive conversation that her phone would vibrate incessantly and Hank would summon her back to the district. Not before pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek; one that promised so much more when they had a real chance to talk, she traipsed back to her car and headed to 21.

 _Al's Car_

There, she'd find herself dealing with a mess one of her long-time CIs had created and spit her name all over. It was not small potatoes to claim that a member of the police force had used sexual favors as payment for information; especially when that detective happened to belong to a specialized unit run by a man rather notorious for cutting corners and using rather unsavory methods to get what he wanted.

Hank had managed to catch wind of it before it made it's way up to the brass and he'd tasked Al with helping her mop this all up before it could unfold into something bad for the whole unit.

The hand she'd just been dealt would do anything but aide in the reaching of a resolution between her and Jay. This fact had made her crabby and more irritable than usual and it was the driving force behind the snappy way she answered the phone when Adam's name had splayed across its screen. "What?"

"Why do you have to ruin everything, Linds?" Her sandy-haired cohort chimed back playfully, but the good-natured jest of his tone would be lost on her annoyed state.

"I don't have time for your shit right now Ruze." She sighed, staring out the passenger window of Al's car as he 'took care of something' inside the CIs apartment.

"Kidding, kidding, calm down. But, thanks to your CI sex toy being an idiot, I am officially down one guy for my Hold 'Em tournament and I already picked up the party sub… so… you're gonna have to fix this problem your problem has created."

"I wasn't even invited to your poker night, Adam." She scoffed with annoyance. If she didn't have the time for this conversation, she certainly didn't have the patience for it.

"I was talking about Al, but perhaps I should get to the point, kitten." He smirked to himself at the grimace on her face he'd swear was visible even through the phone. "I am hoping you and lover boy are on the mend because since you've taken Al, you owe us a replacement."

"Owe you?" She rolled her eyes. Adam Ruzek was both the most annoying and most lovable brat of a kid brother that ever could've been pulled from the academy. "I owe you nothing. But, Jay could use the distraction, so I'll talk to him and if he's down, I'll give him Atwater's number so he can meet up with you."

"Why don't you just give him my number?" Adam asked, perplexed.

"I don't need you blowing up his phone trying to bro down with him, Adam." Her giggle would be the last thing he heard before she tapped her finger against the red circle that would end the call.

Al would return as she hung up and it would be half an hour before she found the time to call Jay. She and Al had taken her CI, Barry, on what Al had affectionately entitled a 'tour of his transgressions.' Al had him inside of the strip club he'd run his mouth in, taking back the web of lies he'd spun and he'd told Erin to wait in the car for them. She'd taken the opportunity to reach out to Jay on Adam's behalf, happy to have that as an excuse to hear his voice. As soon as she heard the line pick up, she started to talk, not waiting for a greeting. "You'd do anything for me, right?"

"Of course." Jay responded, without the slightest hesitation.

"Great. You're going to take Al's place at poker night while he saves my ass. I'll give you Kevin's number. He'll give you all the details. But, I gotta go. I'll see you later tonight." She hadn't even given him a chance to respond or confirm that he would in fact follow through on it before hanging up.

Before long, she and Al were pulling up to the silos and the _thunk_ heard from Al's trunk as the car slowed to a stop told the story of how this night was going to end for Barry. For someone who was easy to label the silent type, Al could be one of the most terrifyingly convincing people she'd ever met. He'd only had to threaten the tire iron once before Berry was offering to turn himself in and absolve Erin of any of the unsubstantiated claims he'd made against her earlier in a sworn written statement.

"You've done enough, sweetheart." Al had remarked, clasping her face in his rough hand affectionately. "Besides, you saved me from spending a night with the drunk idiots. I always feel bad about robbing them blind." He winked, dropping her off in front of her car, plans of keeping Berry over night in the cage to really send him on the straight and narrow agreed upon between them already.

 _Adam Ruzek's Apartment_

Jay hadn't expected Erin's question of whether or not he'd do anything for her to result in him getting into a giant black SUV with an equally giant man from his girl's unit. Kevin Atwater was friendly enough and in the roughly fifteen minute car ride they'd shared together, they'd bonded further. By the time they arrived at Adam's they were practically old friends.

He could more than use this distraction; between his fight with Erin and the heavy weight of the memorial service and the envelope that sat neatly in his bedside table, tucked in a drawer for safe keeping. The atmosphere here was light and fun. When he'd entered Adam's modest apartment behind Kevin, he was greeted with the sounds of fizzing beers, uproarious laughter, and a playlist that would be evidently filled with ninety's rap classics that he could totally get behind.

He hadn't intended to drink much but after an hour he'd already done three shots and pounded a couple pints worth from the keg Adam had _sworn_ they were going to finish tonight. He was arguably the best player at the table, but in an effort to stay in good graces with Erin's friends and colleagues, he folded more often than not and listened intently to the stories he was regaled with from the men around the table.

They'd taken a break to enjoy slices of pizza having long since polished off Adam's acclaimed party sub. Jay had offered to refill everyone's cups when his eyes came to rest upon the photograph held haphazardly to the freezer door with the help of a magnet depicting the Blackhawks schedule from two years ago. It wasn't the familiar sigil of his favorite sports team that first caught his eye but the signature dimpled grin of the women stood front and center in the photograph that had snagged his attention and caught his breath upon entering the kitchen. He recognized the background features as her favorite bar; Molly's. Despite the many vices and temptations it offered, it seemed like a safe place for her. The people flanking her in this picture created a safe haven of their own for her, he assumed.

Al and Kevin stood at opposite ends of the gaggle, strong and sturdy, though devoid of smiles their expressions remained light. Antonio had his elbow resting on Al's shoulder and a smile that told the story of the empty bottles of beer sat upon the table behind them. Adam's hands rested all too familiarly on the inarguable star of this photo. Her hair hung in a low messy braid to the left side, draped over her shoulder which was slightly exposed under the thick cable knit sweater the seemed to droop down at the way Adam's hand draped over her shoulders and across her chest. His other hand sat comfortably at her hip, two fingers hooked lazily through one of her belt loops.

He could tell instantly that this photo was taken from the time she and Adam were _together_ ; however briefly that affair had been. Adam's eyes were focused on a patch of skin on Erin's neck with utter longing in a way only someone who'd tasted what they'd lusted for already could look at such a spot. He could only imagine how many times his own eyes had cast a similar look at that exact spot; or one of the other points of passion he'd discovered on her when tangled in the throws of love. The thought made him swallow hard. It was a stark reminder that she'd been someone else's before and could be again if he didn't make things right between them. The thought threatened to overwhelm him. His hand reached into his back pocket to fish for his phone. He needed to call her; to beg for her forgiveness.

He must've let that photograph and the emotions it stirred within him distract him for some time because he heard the sound of a man clearing his throat as he entered the small kitchenette where Jay stood in front of the keg on the counter, all of the glasses he'd brought in with him still empty. The act caused his and to release his phone before he'd fully taken it out, distracted from the task that had previously overtaken his more rational thoughts.

Adam, though not always known for his sense of perception, was very observant in this moment at least. He'd seen the pained look in Jay's eyes when he turned around, startled from the thoughts that were clearly occupying him thanks to the photo affixed just in front of him. It was easy to be distracted by that picture. He had been himself many times, especially when he'd consumed a few beers. Now, instead of gazing it it with longing, he looked at it for the fond memory it was. "That was from a long time ago." He observed, crossing behind Jay without offering much else, picking up his glass and beginning to fill it. He was about to tell the tale of the trivia night on which the photo had been taken when Jay spoke, intruding upon his recounting of the memory before he had a chance to voice it aloud.

"You loved her." He wasn't sure if it was an accusation as the words left his mouth or more of an inquiry. "You can tell in your eyes."

Without missing a beat or so much as taking a breath, Adam retorted. "And you can tell in hers she doesn't feel the same." His reply came with such nonchalance that it was in that moment he realized himself that he really had moved on from that time; those feelings. It brought him no pain to offer that explanation.

At this admission, Jay looked at the photograph once more. Despite the warm and wide smile that hung on her lips, punctuated on either side by dimples boring into her cheeks, her eyes weren't full of the light he'd found in them in the moments of true happiness he'd shared with her. He'd just parted his lips to respond but then, Adam was speaking again.

"I thought I could make her happy until I saw her with you, you know. You, sir, were quite the uninvited reality check. I was rather content pining after her and now I've had to put real effort into my Tinder profile since you've swept her off her feet. I was going to wait her out until she was old and alone and desperate but you've insured that won't happen…" His eyes drifted to meet Jay's and the smile in them set Jay at ease.

"I'm not sure about that; I've rather royally fucked up lately and I've come to learn that patience and forgiveness are not exactly her strongest virtues. I'm afraid she might be finished with me."

"She's almost completely unreasonable and almost always reckless; it's what makes her so good at her job. But she isn't fickle. She doesn't go back and forth on anything. If she were done with you, she'd be done. There'd be no doubt in your mind whatsoever, I can promise you that." He continued to fill the glasses, handing Jay back his now that it was full again. "Dare I ask what happened?"

Jay took the glass; now frosty to the touch given it's newly added contents, and stared at Adam over the brim of it. He was normally a private person; especially guarded around strangers. But Adam was one of her closest friends and he seemed genuinely concerned and invested. "We were fighting about Tre Dobbins, the boy who shot me the day she and I met. He…took his life." He shifted uncomfortably at the weight of the words that still felt so heavy to say out loud. He cleared his throat and continued, "I felt she was rather insensitive about all of it; some things were said back and forth and I crossed the line; said some things I not only didn't mean but things I hadn't so much as fully conceptualized into thoughts before they left my mouth. Things that had no business being said, ever." His eyes portrayed what his words could not; his sheer remorse for the entire thing. He may have left out most of the details, but he'd given Adam enough to understand why this had him so distressed.

"She's good at holding a grudge." Adam finished filling the last glass and turned to face him. "But if she was finished with you, you wouldn't be here. You're spending the evening in a room of her brothers and she hasn't asked any of us to kill you. In fact, she wanted you to come here and be distracted from all of this. If that's not love, buddy—then I don't know what is. I wouldn't worry too much, she's just making you sweat. She already forgave you. She's just too stubborn to admit it, even to herself."

He considered Adam's words carefully. On some level, they made sense; even brought him peace. But, things weren't right between them and he couldn't stand that fact. It ate away at him every second. "But how do I make it right?" Jay wasn't even sure that he was actually asking that question with the intention of having Adam answer or if he was just finally speaking the question out loud that he'd asked so many times in the confines of his own mind.

That was where Adam's wisdom seemed to end. "You'll find a way, I'm sure." He clinked his glass to Jay's and took a swig. "I'll tell you this though, man. You've gotten this far being yourself. I suggest you stick with that. You seem to have a way with words. Use them. If she won't listen to words, write them down. If she won't read them? Then find some other way to show her."

Two more hours would pass and the bottle of tequila Antonio had brought was dangerously close to empty. Adam's keg was far from tapped but the four of them had consumed an impressive volume of it nonetheless.

Kevin had long since passed out in the oversized leather recliner in front of Adam's impossibly large TV. The poker game long abandoned, they'd shifted their intentions towards toasting to friends and foes both past and present. It had created a lazy haze over the room that seemed to match the one that made Jay's eyes red and lids heavy from overconsumption. The redness may have been from something else though; sadness.

The later fact was what Adam took into account when he picked up his cellphone and dialed Erin's number. He was surprised that she picked after only two rings and imagined how bored she must've been with her friends and boyfriend all occupied. "What?" The harsh lack of greeting actually made him smile. It was the second time tonight she'd answered the phone this way; a fact he found endearing.

"Hello to you to, angel." His speech slurred slightly as he spoke. "So, Kev is passed out. Antonio is in no shape to drive. Lover boy has been weeping about you for the past three hours. Have some pity on them. Have some pity on me! I desire nothing more than to throw myself onto the pile of pillows on my bed and sleep off what is sure to be a massive hangover. And watch some porn, if I'm being honest."

"Ugh , Adam!" The way she said his name dripped with disgust. "I could've done without that last bit. Like, really could've done without it." She cringed. Nevertheless, she found herself rising from the couch to find her keys. "Gee, I've so much sympathy and such a great desire of my own to help you given that you've grown tired of the guests you invited to a party that I was not included in." Truthfully, she was happy to get the call. She'd been home for two hours and even though she'd recorded some shows to watch; they'd done nothing to distract her from all that was on her mind.

"Not fair, it was boys night! Not a party. It's never a party without Erin Lindsay!" Adam's voice came in mock protest, but his words were lost on her as she seemed to get pulled away into a train of thought.

Oddly enough, the false accusation of her former CI had been a satisfying distraction from all that plagued her thoughts. The memorial had weighed heavily on her heart; as had the tears that stained Jay's face when he could hardly make it through the opening of Tre's letter. She'd begun to wonder how she could stay so angry when he was at his most vulnerable. But then, the harsh, biting reality of the words he'd thrown at her would rear up and remind her exactly why she hadn't captured his lips in a kiss that would've mended his breaking heart; albeit temporarily. It wasn't that what he'd said had been so bad. Fuck had she heard way worse. It was just that those words; meant to cut and sting, had come from _him_.

Erin had been insulted many times in her life. She'd been put down countlessly. She'd had her childhood mistakes thrown in her face, none of that was new. But she'd never suffered those things from the lips of someone she'd placed her love and trust in so fully. She knew he didn't mean it. She knew that he was a far better man than the jarring and accusatory phrases he'd spat at her in angry frustration. Hadn't she been the one to beg him to let this ugly side out to begin with? Hadn't she pushed and prodded until his response was justified? She knew in her own heart he'd never agree to that himself. He'd tell her she had no business forgiving him. That he'd fucked up beyond what she deserved and he'd do anything to make it right and show her how sorry he was. That even if she did forgive him, he wouldn't forgive himself.

She didn't need to hear that apology; the inevitability of it made it feel almost pointless. Why should she need to hear him say something she already knew so clearly to be true? Of course he was sorry. Of course she forgave him. That was all so trivial in the grand scheme of things. So why couldn't she grant him the absolution he needed?

It wasn't the apology she was waiting for. It wasn't some grand gesture of flowers and chocolates or a romantic dinner to make up for his transgressions. Hell; if she really considered it, she had no idea what it was she was waiting for before she let herself forgive him. It was hurting them both to be so close yet so far apart; sometimes she felt like it was affecting her more than him. Was she really so stubborn she would allow them both to continue in shared pain just so she could feel… right? Was that even it? She wasn't sure what she was even holding onto anymore, if she was being honest.

"Er?" Adam's questioning tone brought her back from the place her mind had taken her. "So uh—you gonna come? I've got a whole deep dish with your name on it for your trouble."

She pretended it was the pizza that was the selling point when she agreed to be at his place inside twenty minutes. She tugged a pair of Jay's sweatpants over her legs, which were previously clad in a too small pair of sleep shorts. before climbing into her car and letting herself follow the familiar route to Adam's place.

She texted to let him know she was nearby and by the time she arrived in front of the building, he was already down stairs with the guys surrounding him in various states of inebriation. Before unlocking the doors, she rolled down the window. "Where's my pizza?" She asked, her eyes meeting Adam's as he approached the passengers side.

Her fairer haired colleague brandished the pizza box he'd promised and the act made her unlock the doors. Kev and Antonio piled into the back and Jay looked almost sheepishly at her as he opened the door to the passenger side front tentatively, looking at her for approval.

She cast him a soft approving smile, one that maybe motivated him more than she'd intended because as he moved into the seat with her pizza in tow, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I miss you." He grumbled gently, almost inaudibly against the soft skin where his lips lingered before he righted himself back to sit in the space where he actually belonged.

The presence of the two drunken idiots in the back made the car ride far less awkward as Antonio serenaded them against their will to any song that came on the radio. Erin had continually changed the station to discourage his efforts but with each time she spun the nob, he seemed to get louder and more committed until she'd given up. He'd managed to get Kevin to play the role of hype man and the pair of them preformed a mini concert from the backseat until Erin was pulling up to Kevin's building. She wore a smile on her face by that time, despite her vocal protests that stated the opposite, she found their antics rather amusing.

It was only a short distance from there to Antonio's. Her partner kept the party alive the rest of the trip, even with being forced to go solo. He was singing the chorus to _Despacito_ for the fifth time, despite the fact that she'd completely turned the radio off, by the time she pulled into his driveway. He gave her his own fraternal kiss on the forehead before thanking her for the ride and heading towards his front door.

Erin waited for him to get safely inside before moving to put the car in reverse but as soon as her hand reached for the gearshift; it was met by Jay's. "I'm sorry." His voice was thick with emotion and his fingers traced lovingly over her knuckles and the skin at the back of her hand in a way that told her wanted to touch so much more of her.

"You're drunk. We're not doing this right now." She said with a sigh, though she knew he'd say the same thing sober and he meant it just as much either way.

"Your friends are…. it was hard to keep up." He hiccupped then, as if emphasizing just how hard it was to go shot for shot with Kevin Atwater. He wanted to say more in protest, but he knew his efforts would be fruitless and unappreciated. He wisely chose silence instead. It didn't go unnoticed by either of them that his hand still lingered over hers.

"We'll get you some water and asprin before you go to bed." Her reply came simply sometime later and she glanced over at him, taking into account how much younger he looked now in his disheveled state. She found it endearing and it prompted her to bait him for further conversation, he deserved reprieve from his tortures and she knew he'd allow himself none when still in a bad place with her. "Did you have fun?" Her question came like an olive branch, though casual in it's offering.

He accepted it gladly. "I did. Not usually my thing, but; they're great guys and it was a good time." He lifted his gaze from the place it currently occupied out the window. He'd rather have spent his evening with her and they both knew it. "Get everything taken care of at work?" He asked, sure that these ere the most words exchanged between them in days. It was getting dangerously close to a conversation.

"I did." She nodded curtly, forcing her eyes from him and back to the road because the longer she stared the more she wanted to kiss him and she was still hurt and angry and refused to give in to anything opposite of those emotions yet. Try as she may, though, her irises kept casting over to him in spite of her better judgment. Maybe it was because her heart and head were at a staunch disagreement on this one. As the former told her to let all of this go, the later seemed hell bent on holding onto this grudge as long as possible.

The more she looked at him the more her anger waned. The more her heart won out. Her eyes became suddenly transfixed upon his bottom lip, which seemed puffy and swollen—maybe even bruised from where worry and anxiety had him biting at and chewing on the same spot. Her mouth grew slightly parched with desire and she licked her lips just barely to abide the dryness.

"I really am so, so sorry." He tried again, noticing the change in her demeanor. Though mistaking it for softness rather than what it really was—lust.

"I said I didn't want to talk about that now." She let out a sighing, annoyed breath, but her eyes betrayed her again and stayed momentarily transfixed on his lips before they tore briefly to meet his own gaze—filled with desires that she knew were not rooted in the alcohol he'd consumed tonight. In that moment, his eyes seemed to tear right through her, through the tough and intolerant façade she'd built up like walls of protection around herself these last few days.

The look he saw in her hazel eyes then was unmistakable; even in the haze of his stupor. Unbridled desire; he was no stranger to seeing that look in her eyes but it was one he feared he wouldn't see again given how the last few days had panned out. "Fine," He said, his words seeming to languish in defeat. "We won't talk about me being sorry." He turned his face towards hers as she rolled to a red light. "But can we talk about how much I want you then?"

It was a more daring statement than she'd have expected from him. The night's consumptions made him bold. It brought a surprising red tint to her cheeks, one brought about mildly by embarrassment but also by being caught in a moment of her own weakness given the same desires. "I'm sorry?" She played the role of the confused, because it was easier than admitting that she was very clearly aware of the intentions and implications of his words.

"You don't want to hear how sorry I am for being an asshole and saying things I don't mean, I get it. It's tired and no matter how much I mean it; you've heard enough sorries for shitty things people have said to you—enough to the point where the sorries don't seem to mean anything anymore. So fine; I can respect your declining of my apologies." He read the look of intrigue that passed her eyes now and knitted her brows just so. It empowered him to continue, this time with more bravado. "But, I can't sit here in silence next to the most beautiful woman on earth; inside and out, and say nothing of how badly I want to kiss her lips. Because I've missed them, I've missed them to the point where my own lips ache to be reunited with them. To the point that even when I know she's still hurt and angry with me and has every right to be – that all I can focus on is the next time I can press her against the wall of our shower and watch as hot water streams over every inch of her naked body until my fingers have been allowed to follow the same patterns." His eyes found hers as he spoke the last words and it sent a shiver through them both. This is what they mean by 'liquid courage' he decided in that moment.

His words—his forwardness made her breath catch in her throat. She swallowed thickly and forced her gaze to break from his. Even in her peripheral she could see the satisfied smile playing on his lips. It wasn't often that Erin Lindsay was rendered speechless. "Well," She started after a beat, though the single word was spoken and she took another pregnant pause before completing her thought with a lustful sigh. "Goddamn."

Timing served her right and those words came out as she slid into the parking spot she'd left open when she'd gone to retrieve him. She cast her eyes to his with great longing as she turned the key in the ignition so that car was off. "I…" Just when it seemed like she was about to give in to the desire they both so obviously shared; her anger a distant memory at this point, she seemed to find her resolve once more, much to his chagrin. In the same breath that she'd started her confession, she'd recanted it; it was now a lost whisper.

Clearing her throat she undid her seatbelt and wordlessly opened her door to get out of the car, moseying around the front of it to wait for him to do the same. She was thankful for the breeze that accompanied the otherwise hot, sticky air that surrounded them on this late summer night.

A few moments passed and Jay had not so much as stirred from his seat. She half contemplated leaving him there to sleep off his inevitable hangover. But her better judgment had her fingers sliding under the door's handle, prying it upwards to pull the door open. "Come on already or I'll leave you out here!" Her words were devoid of any real threat, her hand coming under his nearest bicep to tug at him.

"Mmm," Was his only response; eyes half closed from a combination or tiredness and the emotional nature of today coupled with the copious amounts of alcohol. "You're so beautiful," He mused, letting himself be roused from the car only to be tugged back down by the belt tucked across his lap. She leaned across and undid it for him, endeared by his helplessness. As she did so, his hand came unconsciously up to rest on the exposed skin of her back that became apparent as she reached over him.

His fingertips were hot like fire against her soft skin. She'd slept with him the night before and felt a similar sensation. Now, however, it was tenfold because it was coupled with the look of desire that flashed in his eyes now as she freed him of the belt that had kept him in place moments before. As she pulled it back across his chest she felt her fingers linger across his muscles; still clearly rippled even through the jersey knit fabric of his t-shirt. Before she had time to think or reconsider, her lips pressed hungrily against his. It wasn't a dainty kiss or one full or trepidation. It was sure and familiar and basked in desire. Her tongue found his instantly; swirling over his own in a battle, not for dominance, but for exploration. His strong arm circled around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest and securing her body in the space between his legs. His free hand went to her hair, sliding his fingers in at the base of her neck and pressing her against him; craving the closeness they'd both been deprived of since their fight days before.

"Take me to bed;" The request was low and husky, whispered between ragged breaths and moans that poured from her own puffy lips as the kiss had grown in passion. The words were almost lost on him, but he was sure he'd have heard them even if he were deaf. They were words that seemed to speak directly to his soul.

He wanted nothing more than to honor her request. A prevailing part of him was ready to throw her over his shoulder, bound up the steps to their third floor apartment, and throw her passionately onto the bed. He had half a mind to tear off her clothes right in that front seat, use the dashboard and his arms to steady her hips and remind her that his love for her knew no shame. She deserved far better than that though. She was no object to him. Her body was a temple; a place of worship he intended to honor. "Not until you forgive me…" He mumbled. There was more he wanted to say but the words too great effort and it was with pronounced difficulty that he did much beyond letting his lips explore hers as they had been doing moments ago. With her still drawn against him, he rose unsteadily from the car. If it weren't the alcohol to blame, he'd have sworn it was that kiss that had made him so drunk and unable to maintain his balance.

She had a surprisingly amount of patience as she helped him from the car and eventually up the stairs. His words had not been lost on her though. _Not until you forgive me_. The phrase echoed in her thoughts loudly until they drowned out every other thought or phrase that occupied them otherwise. She knew how badly he wanted her. She offered that part of herself to him with no strings attached and instead of giving into the most carnal of desires; ones she was sure mirrored her own in intensity and passion, he'd reiterated his apology. For some reason, this realization made her feel crazed. Annoyed. _Bothered_.

So, she tried again. Once they were safely inside their shared living space she turned to him, her eyes searching his face for weakened resolve. "Are you turning me down?" She asked, cocking her head slightly to the side as she kicked off her shoes.

He did the same, with a greater struggle, "Hardly. I want you, more than anything." He swallowed hard, glancing across at her earnestly.

"Have me then." She tempted, taking a step towards him. Without her shoes she was easily three inches smaller but even with her diminished stature she clearly commanded the entire room with the sway of her hips. He took a shallow breath, one that gave away just how much he wanted to let go of his personal honor code and give in to her request.

He took the opportunity to close the space between them. His hands reaching greedily for her waist, fingers snaking under her shirt to glide over her skin before he was robbed of the prospect again. His resolve would never be strong enough to deny himself the touch of her warm skin. His lips stole kisses from her neck. The moment his dry cracked skin pressed against her impossibly warm, soft porcelain a guttural moan escaped his lips. He wanted her body insatiably. But he wanted her forgiveness more. "Does this mean you forgive me?" He asked breathily, his lips travelling, kissing up her neck until his mouth hovered over hers.

She hadn't realized just how much she missed the feel of his lips pressed against every corner of her until she felt them now. The way they so expertly navigated her neck; familiar territory, she realized she never wanted to feel anyone else touch her so intimately. "That doesn't matter right now." She groaned, fully prepared to set all of that aside to give in to the present moment. Reality seemed like a far away bygone; one that dealing with could be easily postponed.

He wished that were the case for him. His lips, fingers, hands—they all wished his brain could've stayed out of this affair. His hands slid easily into her shirt now, his thumb sliding delicately over the satin and lace cup of her bra. If he let his hands lead this moment her clothes would be in a discarded pile on the floor in no time. But alas, he'd never been that type of man. "It matters to me." He whispered, his lips giving up their practice of feathering kisses across her skin. He drew her back at arms length, his hands resting on her shoulders. "I love and respect you too much to let you do something you'd regret."

She softened at his words. A part of her glowered at him; how dare he. She was a grown woman capable or making her own decisions about how and when she gave in to her desires, but she couldn't very well be angry at him for being respectful. And he was right; even if she desired it now, she'd likely not forgive him if he'd let her give in when things weren't right between them. "If I say I forgive you, will you fuck me?" She questioned brashly, mostly to gauge his reaction.

"No," He answered quickly, shaking his head. A smile grew on his lips as her face registered his response; that wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting.

"No?" Her brows knitted together in annoyed confusion.

"No I wouldn't _fuck_ you if you _said_ you forgave me." He reiterated, his hand dropping back to her waistline. He used enough force to draw her against him again, moving his mouth right next to her ear. "If you forgave me - _Actually_ forgave me, not just _said_ it to get what you wanted- If you really forgave me; I'd spend all night and tomorrow making the slowest, most careful love to you. The kind that makes your thighs quiver well after you've stopped coming." His voice was barely a whisper as she spoke his promise into reality. "I'd make love to you until you'd forgotten your name and the only word still on your lips was mine. And then; _then_ I'd fuck you until you remembered yours again." He swallowed hard and pressed a kiss to her temple before drawing away from her.

She was stunned by that; left hot and cold all at once. His words had melted her into oblivion. "Jesus," She muttered to herself, drawing in a thick breath. "I forgive you." She muttered, practically jumping into his arms, which opened just in time to receive her. Her lips crashed against his as she reiterated her forgiveness. "I forgive you," Her words were breathless as he hiked her up further, his lips finding her own. "I love you," She whispered frantically between fevered kisses. She seemed to alternate between the two phrases for some time until he silenced her with a definitive kiss.

He'd made fast work of her clothes and his teeth raked over newly exposed skin. Despite having had her so many times now, the gap in their intimacies made this all feel brand new again. "Everything," She muttered as his tongue travelled down her torso and towards her hips.

"Only thing," He whispered into her skin, his lips finding the inside of her thigh. "God damn I've missed you," He added tepidly, before letting himself consume her.


End file.
